It had been a month since I attended the facilitator's training for TeamUp. With this training, I have intentions of taking steps closer to living a mindful life and also helping others who choose to live a mindful life. Note that when I started my mindfulness journey - compassion was not in my mind as a result of what I was doing. but as I went deeper into my mindfulness practice; it just became front and center of some of my practice. So today - I'd like to talk about it and what I think about compassion.
During the TeamUp training, I actually had - what Brene Brown called a
"I'm having a breakdown all by myself here - that I felt I just needed to share what I'm going through. I am an openly gay man and I have experienced coming out years ago. They say that someone gay can only come out once in his/her lifetime. It's like being born - you can only be born once in a lifetime. I remember that coming out experience and as much as I was afraid of expressing to the world that I was gay for fear of being rejected, I would say that it was also a beautiful experience because it allowed me to release all of those bottled up feelings and ideas prior to coming out.
"Today - I feel that once again - I'm going through a coming out process. This time, it's no longer about my sexuality. When I asked to speak to my voice of compassion during the Big Mind exercise, I've come to realize that for so long, I have tried to fit in to what I thought was how I should be. The problem is - fitting in meant that I had to bottle up my big personality. Today - I've realized that this big personality of mine wants to come out and be seen. It is no longer taking the crap from my ego - and it just wants to proclaim it's bigness to all of you."
After saying that, I felt so expanded. It was as if I have emptied myself out and is actually experiencing love from the Universe pouring into the emptied vessel of my soul.
So what does this experience have anything to do with compassion?
In response to what I have shared, a woman named Laura gave me feedback and shared some of her own thoughts on the coming out process.
"She said - my Darling - I love you dearly and now I know why. Having said that - I actually want to share with you what my Mom told me during my coming out process. She said, 'Coming out is a horrible term to use for what you are going through. Coming out somehow denotes being found out. Revealing to the world a secret - or coming out of hiding. I really think that when someone accepts who they really are in their sexuality, instead of coming out, one actually comes into herself/himself.' So my Darling - my friend - I really think that what I will tell you now will resonate with you because you may find this as the truth. What you are going through is that you have deeply come into yourself and recognized that part of you that you are ready to share with the whole world. And this is a beautiful experience that I am so grateful to have experienced."
That feedback blew me away. She is right - what I have actually been experiencing is this deep connection with that part of myself that until then - I have pushed away and denied. And when I felt that compassion - I realized that instead of pushing away that part of me - and suffering through it - by being disconnected from it, what will be most helpful for my growth is to embrace it.
Compassion - when you look it up in the web for it's definition is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for someone who experiences sorrow. It is a also a feeling that comes with a strong feeling to alleviate that suffering. Compassion comes with the need to take action - even if that action comes with lending an ear towards someone else when they need to express what they are going through. It comes from that deep truth that at the end of the day, we're all one - with our lives. We are connected to each other and therefore another person's suffering and cares in this life --- we share in that suffering and cares as well. But one thing that I have come to realize is that compassion - like love - starts with oneself.
At the end of that training for TeamUp, we had to share what we learned during those three days. This is what I shared:
"I learned about compassion. I also learned how we are connected to one another. I realized that during those moments when I encounter people I don't like, or I feel contraction towards my interaction with another person or his/her behavior, more often than not - how I feel is a reflection of how I feel about parts of me that I don't like and have actually disowned."
So my dear friend, I ask of you. Start reflecting upon how you feel about yourself - by looking at how you feel about others. Before you embark on trying to fix the world --- it is best to start looking at yourself and the things that need to be fixed. Is there some part of you that you have disowned or have buried into oblivion because you didn't like it? Talk to that part of you and deal with it with love. Know that the part of you that you have denied is suffering - for acknowledgment.
Only when you have reconciled everything with love - and compassion - about yourself - can you truly start engaging with other people with deep love and compassion.
I am rambling - I am trying to express concepts now that I am struggling to express in the past month. But alas - I don't feel that I am successful. So I will stop for now. But know this --- my promise in my life - and hopefully as you read this - you can start early. I promise to feel love deep within us. Love for who we are - so we can be beacons of love for the world around us.
With much Love,
The Forty Year Old you
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