Coming Home

Welcome home.

Step into light;

For us to see

Your glory.

Bless us

With your tales

Of courage

As Being.

Did it hurt

As you plunged

Into time

And space?

Let us see

The gems borne

From scars

Of life

Brave choice

To be you

‘Twas a great gift

Give us

the load

of your life.

All there is

All that was

Birth,

Love,
Grief,

Death.

One last breath

Take it all in;

Then let go.

It is done.

The journey ends.

Welcome home.

Answered Prayers

Dear Beneficiary of My Lost Wallet,

I lost my wallet on my way to Bali. It was filled with money that I was supposed to use to buy sarongs from the Ubud market in every color that you can find on the rainbow.

I recognize that everything that I planned to buy from Bali would have ended up at the back of my closet like most souvenirs I bought from all my trips. That happened to the dozens of Sarongs I bought from my first trip to Bali.

I came to Bali to pray for abundance and the gods had an odd way of answering that prayer. Instead of giving me the winning numbers to the lotto while meditating at the most holy temple of Besakih, they actually whispered these words to me:

“If abundance is what you’re asking for, let go of the need for having more than enough and be satisfied with what’s enough.”

“If abundance is what you’re asking for, what you have that’s more than enough, send it to someone who does not have enough.”

Which is why I want to make it official by writing you.

May the money you found be the answer to your prayers. May that money be my way of sending a miracle your way.

With Peace in my Heart,

Jose

PS - May you not be someone who was praying for more money to get a nose job.

Dear Generous Donor,

I found your wallet. It was filled with more money than I have ever seen in my life. I earn 200 pesos every day for selling candies and cigarettes.

I asked myself if I should keep it. With this money, I know I can take my daughter to McDonald’s every day for the rest of the year. 

My heart told me that keeping it as if it’s mine is a great sin even if I didn’t steal it. I decided to return it to you the next day but life got in the way.

The day after I found your wallet, my daughter fell ill.  I took her to the doctor who told me that she was very sick. He then gave me a list of medicines to buy.

I felt helpless. I didn't have money to buy everything in the prescription. Then I remembered your money.

I still thought that it was wrong for me to use it because it wasn’t mine. Confused on what I needed to do next, I prayed for guidance.

At the end of that prayer, I had the answer. I actually felt peace in my heart as if I was given permission to use this money to buy my daughter's medicine.

My daughter is well now. Thanks to the money that was in your wallet, she got well.

I want to ask for your understanding.

I cannot pay you back with money but I can pray for whatever it is you desire right now.

With gratitude,

Maria

Trial of the Century

Manila, PH - Today, we heard the sentencing of Lord Fernandez who was convicted for the crime of corruption of his true self and purpose. The trial was initiated when Fernandez published a blog post entitled “Confession”.
 

The prosecutor’s case was primarily built upon Fernandez’s confession. Here, we quote Fernandez.

“I confess to the crime of corrupting my own self. I woke up today not recognizing the man in the mirror. I look tired from carrying the burden of all the material possessions that I have acquired through the years.” 

During the trial, the prosecutor paraded Fernandez’s possessions:  multiple mobile phones, tablets, laptops, suit cases, phone cases, cameras, etc. All those possessions would have filled up Alibaba’s cave of treasures.

When Fernandez took the stand, he was asked by the prosecutor how he ended up amassing this much junk.

“When I was young, I did not have money for toys. Because of this, I could not join the boys in our neighborhood when they played with their toys. When I earned enough money to buy the big boys’ toys, I bought them. Every gadget I bought was my way of buying my place in the cool boys' clique.

“You committed bribery for acceptance.” The prosecutor proclaimed.

The public opinion on Fernandez was split. Some of them think he’s a monster while others think of him as a victim. When the guilty verdict came, even those who were sympathetic were not surprised.

Everyone expected the judge to throw Fernandez in jail but that sentence did not materialize.

The judge’s ruling today read:

“Lord Fernandez. It is odd that we even had to go through a trial when you practically plead guilty to the crime.  I am glad we did have a trial because it was enlightening and helped in determining your sentence for this so called crime.”

“In front of me is a broken man. You clearly have done a number on yourself.”

“What is the appropriate punishment for someone who is already suffering?”

“As judge, my ultimate job is to uphold justice. You admitted your crime. You have corrupted yourself and your confession is a cry for help.”

“As such, this is your sentence. Every day, look at yourself in the mirror. Tell that man, you are enough. The clothes on your back, the hair on your head, your voice and every cell in your body, your mind, and your heart make you whole. Every time you find the itch to acquire another gadget, or car, or house to buy yourself into someone’s acceptance, repeat unto yourself these words, ‘I am whole. I am enough’.”

The judge then stood up from his podium and approached Fernandez. The judge laid his hand on Fernandez’s shoulder and asked him to stand up.  The judge hugged him tight. When the judge let go of Fernandez, he said these last words, “Today, you have been judged with kindness. Remember that the next time you judge yourself harshly.” 

To Your Love I Yield

I promise

I will love you.

I vow to be by your side.

In light or in dark;

In sin or virtue;

You are held by my hands.

RESPONSE:

I sing of your love

Your vow to be by my side

In light or in dark

In sin or virtue

Your hands hold mine.

With your Love I yield

To My Divine

I promise

I will love you.

Mercy is served

In this banquet.

We partake of God’s grace,

We are filled with bliss.

RESPONSE:

I sing of your love

You serve mercy

In this banquet of grace.

Your kiss

Fills me with bliss.

With your Love I yield

To My Divine

I promise

I will love you.

Let go of your burden,

Plain may be the words

Of my lullaby;

It offers you rest.

RESPONSE:

I sing of your love

I let go of my burden

In the words

Of your lullaby

I find rest.

With your Love I yield

To My Divine

My oath of love

I profess.

I promise

I will love you

Now and

Beyond time.

RESPONSE:

Your oath of love,

You profess

Now and

Beyond time.

In response

I sing of your love

With your Love I yield

To My Divine.

Inspiration

Body, Heart and Mind are waiting for Inspiration .  They need Inspiration to write but as always, it isn’t easy to get her to appear when they need her.  The last time Inspiration paid them a visit; Body, Heart and Mind had to jump off a cliff.

There isn’t a cliff anywhere near where they are so Body, Heart and Mind do what Mind thinks can draw her in. They bombard her with text messages which say, “Inspiration, we need you.  Please come”.

Time passes, and Inspiration does not come.

                                    

“I’m tired. I want to rest,” says Body, yawning.

“We need you to be awake when Inspiration comes.” Mind says.

Body decides to send a different text message to Inspiration, “Inspiration, we need you.  I’m tired.  Please come soon.”

The phone vibrates and Body reads the response, “Abandon all hope, only then shall I come.”

Mind stands up, paces back and forth, and then blurts out, “What does that mean, abandon hope?  I won’t abandon hope!  I need hope to get this writing done.”

At that moment, Phobos, their pet dog starts tugging at Mind’s pants.

“Mind, I think you should take Phobos for a walk.”

“That’s a good idea Heart.  I don’t think Inspiration is coming. I give up. Come Phobos, let’s go for a walk.”

As soon as Mind and Phobos get out the door, a lady in a tutu appears in the room.

“Hello my friends,”   she greets Body and Heart.

“Oh sweet inspiration, you came.”

“I’m happy to be here. Where is Mind?”

“He went out to take Phobos for a walk.”

“Perfect! It’s hard to make Magic with Mind around.  He always hope that he can control my magic.  I just wish he learns how to give up control sooner and let us do our work.”

“Are you ready to make magic?” Inspiration asks.

“We are ready.”

Inspiration sings a song.  Heart and body dance with each other to her song.  Words start to appear on the screen of the computer.   The trio is surrounded by Inspiration’s creative light.

When inspiration sings the last note, she says, “It is done.”

“This is wonderful,” Heart and Body say.

The door opens and Mind yells.

“Inspiration - you’re here. Let’s start working?”

“Hi Mind.  We’re finished. Read this and tell us what you think.”

Mind reads the piece, “This is horrible. Inconsistent tenses.  Missing punctuations.”

                                        

“My dear friends, I’d love to stay but I need to go,” Inspiration disappears.

Heart says to Mind, “Can you do us a favor and edit the piece? Make it better.”

“I will make it perfect.”

Heart and Body smile. They are happy with the piece but they trust that Mind will not be satisfied with it until he thinks it’s perfect.

“Read this.”

“Good job Mind.  Whatever can we accomplish without you?” Heart gushes.

“Nothing,” Mind says.

                              

“Can I go to sleep now?”  Body says.

“Go ahead and sleep Body.  We are done for today.  We did well.”

I Seek

Hands hold Stick

Blindfold on eyes

A Game to Seek

The paper beast

Stuffed White, Blue, Pink

With hidden treats

A voice speaks:

"Be smart, turn to your right." 

Am I smart? To the right, I turn. 

"Hit it."

Swing the stick with all my might. 

Swoosh! No hit.

An idiot,

Am I?

A voice speaks:

"Turn Left, my Love"

Am I loved?  I go to the left. 

"Hit it."

Swing the stick with all my might. 

Swoosh! No hit.

Unloved, 

Am I?

A voice speaks:

"Turn around, pretty one"

Another one speaks:

"Forward, my dear."

Am I Pretty?

Am I dear?

More voices speak

I follow Each

To be pretty,

To be loved

To be right

But each voice

Leads to Defeat

My arms are weak. 

I ask "What do I seek?" 

My heart speaks.

"Freedom, you seek,

Let go of stick. 

Let your eyes see

See what you seek."

I drop the stick,

I let my eyes see.

The voices that jeer

They're not here.

Mere Phantoms

That lead to defeat. 

Heart's voice is real.

It knows what I seek.

I seek to see

I seek to be free

One

Come be Awake

Soul calls to Self

Mind is still

We are one

Step into light

Warmth of Love

Gift of Peace

We are one

Embrace the Sorrow

Forgive the Darkness

Remember your light

We are one

Live the Mystery

Connect unto Other

Discover their Light

We are one

Hold the Divine

Here and now

Eternity is Here

We are one

I Know Nothing

How is it to live a life of curiosity? How is it to discover how it feels like to live, to truly live?

Can we be curious about how our body feels like when it experiences love, anger, fear, joy, disappointment? 

Our mind will say, I already know how it is. I know the ending to this story - and I don't like it. So the mind will refuse to cooperate and protest against this thing we will call "living our life".

Then the heart tricks us to doing as it pleases, disregarding the quiet protest that the mind has displayed - with its arms folded across its chest. Then we live life - and we experience the love, or anger, or fear, or joy, or all the other emotions we experience in our lives everyday. Then the mind speaks after all this and say "I know nothing".

Splash

Heart woke up early.  Heart was excited because today, he is all set for an adventure.  He is going to jump off a cliff into the crystal blue waters surrounding this beautiful island.  Heart woke up Mind and Body to get them all to join him in this adventure.

Mind was hoping that Heart will lose interest in this nonsense.  He thinks this is crazy.  He had always won all arguments with heart in the past.  But something changed recently, he doesn’t know how but Heart seemed to have found courage.  He thinks all that Light Writing has made Heart crazy.  

The friends finally reached the cliff.  Body was uncontrollably shaking.   He feels he is held hostage by Heart’s idea.  He refuses to move towards the edge of the cliff. 

Mind realized that Body has gone stiff and felt triumphant.  It seems like - Heart is not going to get his way this time.  He then heard Heart saying.

"Body my friend, I can feel your fear.  I know that you are fragile.  I know that you think - you have the most to lose in all of this but I ask of you to feel that behind that anxious feeling, there is a curious voice that is telling us, ‘This can be epic’.”   We can stop this now if you want but come and hold my hand – and feel my courage.  Use this courage to propel us to run towards the horizon and face our adventure.”

Mind - rolled his eyes.  That word … Courage … again.  It all now comes to this - he seems to have no choice but to hold hands with Heart and Body - and jump off the cliff.

And so the three friends jumped.

ONE

TWO

Mind felt ecstasy.  We are flying - he thought.

THREE

FOUR 

Body, fully relaxed felt that time has stopped while they were mid-air.

FIVE

A big splash - and they all felt the cold but tender embrace of the ocean as they sank deep into the waters.

SIX

SEVEN

The three started to float to the surface. 

Body started to breathe.   Mind is speechless.   He sees the world differently now.  Every ounce of anxiety is gone - and he is ecstatic over the knowledge that he gained.   He can jump off a cliff - and live to tell about it.

Heart - is triumphant.  As they jumped off this cliff,  Body, Mind, and him: Heart was one.

They gave each other high fives.

Heart said, "This is awesome - I'm now ready for our next adventure".

Mind nervously asked, "What adventure?".  

"Today - we jumped off the cliff - and we experienced oneness through it all.  I think we are ready."

Body stiffened.   He senses danger.

"Come on my friends,  after this,  what else can top this?   Let's all seek the greatest adventure in this world:  finding Love."

In Love, Not in Might, I Fly

I was once the sun.  Mighty in the Sky

Those dare look at me - their eyes burn and die.

Bow down, Command of mine do not defy

My Word is all truth. All else is but lie.

Then my Death came when day turned into night

Once Mighty Bright Light snuffed out beyond sight.

In sorrow, I looked up, then saw a sight

Benevolent moon, with her Tender Light

"My love," She called, "Wipe the tears from your eyes …

We are one in love, The stars, you and I.

Bow down you must not, Look here to the skies

As we see our light - it shines in your eye”

Thank you, Oh sweet moon, now humbled am I

In your Love  - not my might, my soul does fly

You are AWAKE

Congratulations!  You have leveled up.  You have reached the world of AWAKE.

You have battled many monsters in the world of EGO and for a while,  it seemed like  you would never get out of that world but your heart energy was strong and all the angels were rooting for you - so it was inevitable for you to reach this stage in the game.

So in this world - of AWAKE - I have to deliver the warnings that come with any game.   You may find that it is not going to be easy in this world.  Your greatest challenge is your old friend - the EGO.  If you think that you have vanquished him in the previous realm - I’m sorry to say that as long as you have not reached the world of ENLIGHTENMENT - the EGO will always be there.   He will tell you that you don't belong here - and that you are not good enough - which might sometimes be enough to go back to his world and for you to sleep-walk once again.

So what does this mean for you?  The good news is that - you have gained the powers of AWAKENING.  You now know - that this world is not real.  That the only thing real is the LOVE that made this world for you.   But the ego will always attempt to convince you that this world is real - because once you go past AWAKENING - he knows that he will lose you forever.  His greatest power is fear - while yours is love.

Don’t be frightened - the angels are still with you.  You’ve learned your lesson - watch out for the signs.  For you - nature will always be the deliverer of the signs.  It will show you the right path but take note that the signs will not be visible - unless you remember that miracles - big or small - are manifesting all around you.

So enjoy this world my friend.  This is going to be fantastic.  You will be able to experience the best that this world has to offer - just keep your heart open.  And one more thing - don’t forget to activate up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-b-a - or simply just call out for help — and we’ll jolt you from your doldrums and remind you that you are AWAKE.

Confessions of the Tyrant Sun

During the day, the sun sits on his throne high in the sky. He is a wise ruler, but he is stern and cruel. Cruel to those who dare stand and stare at him in defiance. Those who defy him are punished with blindness.

“Follow my word,” he says.

“My light, my truth will keep you safe. There are monsters in the shadows, I can protect you from them.”

The sun is alone as he sits on his throne in the day sky. His subjects bow to him never looking at him, never questioning him. They have their heads bowed as they work to please the cruel Sun.

Then night time comes and the moon starts to take her seat on her throne. She is a benevolent ruler. That benevolence comes from the acknowledgement that her light is not alone in the night sky. The millions of stars are with her. Each one of them with their light and their truth, keeping their subjects safe. 

“Come look at me,” she says, “Come look at us. I the moon am your mother. The many stars your brothers and sisters.”

“We are here with you as you live through the night. As you look at us - we see ourselves reflected in your eyes.”

The moon’s subjects take comfort in these soothing words that they themselves are like her and the stars. Whatever monsters there are in the shadows - they can slay because within their eyes are the power of the universe’s light. So they lay to rest after sending their thanks to the moon and the stars.

I confess, that I am the tyrant sun during the brightest moments of my life. I am the arrogant ruler who thinks that mine is the only truth. I do not see others because I am blinded by the intense brightness of my arrogance. 

I confess that all the brightness goes away during the deepest and darkest moments of my life. As my own light fades, I lift my gaze to the night sky, and I see that I am not alone - and that I am not the only source of light. I find that my own truth is nothing but a small reflection of the truth that shines from the moon and the many stars in the sky.

So I ask of you my brothers and sisters - I ask for your forgiveness for only acknowledging your light and your truth during the night. I then ask for your blessing - to help me not get blinded by own arrogance during the brightest moments of my life. Those times, I need the Grace of the Divine to look much more closely and dim my own light - for me to see the miracle of you, the moon and the stars reflecting your own light and truth into my eyes.

Perpekto

O ‘Pre balita ko nakipag-break sa yo si Perpekto. Lekat naman buhay 'to. Ilang beses ka na bang sinaktan nyang impaktong yan? Ano ba talaga nahihita mo kay Pekto? Oo alam ko kapag kinindatan ka niya wala na, hypnotized ka na at feeling mo lahat ng problema mo wala na.

Pero di ba paulit ulit lang siyang nakikipag-break sa yo? Nung una - hindi ka nga niya pinapansin kasi sabi niya ang pangit ng ilong mo. So nagpatangos ka. Sinagot ka niya — ang saya saya mo.

Wala pang isang linggo — nakipag-break siya sa yo. Kasi napansin daw niya - payatot ko. Niyaya mo akong mag-gym. Hayun - nagpaka-borta ka. Sinagot ka na naman niya - pero this time — naging kayo - isang araw lang. Dahilan naman niya - dukha ka.

Nagpayaman ka nang todo-todo. Bumalik siya sa yo. Medyo matagal naging kayo - kasi parang napasaya mo na siya sa salapi mo.

Tapos ngayon — bakit kayo nag-break? 

Haay - ‘pre wag mo na kong yayain maglasing ha. Di naman nawawala problema natin pag naglalasing tayo. Pag gising mo gusto mo pa rin si Perpektong masungit. Hahabulin mong maging perpekto ka rin para sa kanya. Di mo pa na-gets? Para kay pekto - walang bagay sa kanya kundi siya. Kaya nga masungit - kasi laging nag-iisa.

Pero - bakit ba hindi ka tumingin tingin sa paligid mo.

Mayroon namang iba dito. Masaya, nagpapasalamat na kasama ka - mapagbigay.

Bago pa naging matangos ang ilong mo, kahit nung kasing payat ka ng tingting — at kahit na fish balls lang ang meryenda natin kasi wala kang pera — mahal ka na niya.

Mahal na kita. Kahit ano ka pa — alam ko mas bagay tayo. Sana ako na lang — si Generoso - kaya nga yan ang pangalan ko eh — nagbibigay ako — kahit ano - lalo na ang pagmamahal. Pramis - pag naging tayo —— matutuklasan mo kung ano ang saya na galing sa pagmamahal - kahit hindi ka Perpekto.

Love is Enough

Midori, my Beagle, is staring at me with her beautiful almond shaped brown eyes. I love how she looks with her white face. I think that the white face gives her a very dignified look. My cute little dignified baby Beagle.

Her intent gaze is one of her tricks. She can bark to ask for the piece of chicken that I’m about to put in my mouth but she knows that the gaze is enough for me to give her this treat. So I tossed it over to her which she caught. She’s great at catching food. She never misses.

“Thank you,” she said.

“You’re welcome” I replied. I looked around and made sure nobody sees me speak to my dog.

“What’s up with you today?” she said. “You look glum.”

“I had a bad day at work,” I said with a sigh, “I didn’t prepare well for a presentation and it tanked. Now I feel like shit because I knew I should have prepared better for that presentation!”

Midori jumped onto the couch and walked over to me, put her paw on my shoulder and started licking my face.

“I love you.” She said.

“I love you too.”

Now it’s my turn to stare at her.

She stepped away, sat and started to ask. “What?” tilting her head to the side.

“Midori,” I said “What do you think of me … as a father - I mean?”

“Oh daddy,” she said rolling her eyes. “You know I can’t answer that question. We dogs don’t think. We can only feel.”

“I never put any thought on how you are as my daddy,” she paused and then started again, “Let me answer that question differently. I can't think of how you are as my Daddy but I can tell you how I feel about you. And I always feel the same. When you’re around … when you’re not around … when I eat … when I pee … when we take our walk … I just always feel love for you.”

I got emotional and started crying. I asked, “How Midori? How can you just feel love for me and nothing else?”

She licked my face again and whispered, “How can I not? Our creator made all of us with the power of love and therefore all creatures of this earth is filled with love.”

“And daddy, let me tell you a secret, even you are filled with love. Everything else that you see and feel that is not love is just an illusion.”

“Here is proof: Come and hug me and just feel what happens."

I hugged her. I hugged Midori and closed my eyes. I can feel her heartbeat and I can also feel our love for each other. We both just sat there as I hugged her tenderly. At that moment, I thought and felt, this moment is enough. I am enough. Love is enough. Love is all there is.

The Spirit Likes Quiet

Breathe.

I am your spirit and I ask you to breathe. Just breathe.

I can feel your sadness. I am not here to stop that sadness but I am here to get you through it. Just let the sadness flow through you. I know that this sadness makes you feel like you are falling through a bottomless pit. I can also feel that you are struggling as you fall. You reach out your hand through the darkness - hoping to hold on to something that will stop the fall.

As you fall through this bottomless pit of sadness,  I also feel other emotions; but the most dominant one that I can feel is your fear. There is fear that you are soon going to reach the bottom of this pit and you will hit the ground.  As much as you are suffering through this fall, you are afraid that when you hit the ground; you will suffer more and feel the pain of shattering into a million pieces.

I ask you now - as your spirit - to just breathe and stop struggling and stop reaching out for anything to hold on to as you fall into this pit.

I am going to share with you a couple of secrets.

You see - as you fall , I your spirit am here with you. As you get close to the bottom of the pit, when you see the end - when you can feel the ground about to hit you, you will not shatter into a million pieces because that's when I can save you. That's when I will catch you. I will be here to protect you and spread our wings so we can stop the fall.

But there's another secret  that I need you to hear and understand. I have an alternative to coming to the rescue at the last moment of this fall. The alternative is for you to just breathe. And as you breathe - just be quiet. Be quiet - because I - your spirit likes quiet. I am most powerful in silence. If at this time in your sadness, you stop struggling and stop thinking and let quiet to take over, I can do my best work a lot sooner and way before we hit the bottom of this pit.

So please breathe my beloved self. Be quiet so I your spirit can help us through this sadness and so that I can use our wings to lift us up from this sadness.

Breathe and sink into the silence, into the quiet, into the peace of your spirit.

It Isn't About You

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

We have a big ego.  We attach our success and failure to everything that we do and to the things that we have accomplished and failed in.

This has caused us to drive for more success but this has also caused us to avoid failure - which means risk isn't really something that we like facing head on.

Here's the thing - what if everything that we accomplish and everything that we failed in - really isn't about us?   What if we were not the central character in the stories of our lives?   What if our actions cause the stories to develop but if we succeeded or failed --- it doesn't really make us successful and it also doesn't make it a failure?

I have to pose this question because in the recent months,  I've come to realize that a lot of my heartaches in life is caused by my attachment to the story in my head that everything that happens in my life is something that I caused.  For some events - this may be a healthy mindset ---- being proud of losing ten pounds because of the discipline we exercised in avoiding sugar in our diet.   But largely - this mindset - is not helpful.   It can start from:   My dogs doing a proper sit when I use the command.   It's our dog's ability being displayed here - so we can't take the credit for it.   It can be as ridiculous as thinking that it didn't rain today when we are wearing white pants - because we asked the Universe for it.

This mindset is actually perpetuated by a lot of our friends and family praising us for things that if you think about it really isn't because of our skill.   For example - getting into a scholarship in the Ateneo was not because we were smart.   It really was because the University's Admission and Aid - looked through a checklist of qualifications for our application and noted that we meet the criteria - which included submitting an income document from Papa - which said he earned a really small income for the year we were applying for the scholarship.   Therefore - we fit the criteria for someone who should be considered for financial aid.

Why am I bringing this up?  How does a mindset of not attaching ourselves to the outcome become helpful in our lives?   You see - when we call ourselves successful or we call ourselves a failure based on the outcomes of our actions --- that label of successful or failure gives a lot of pressure on us to always want to be the successful person.   This actually has been part of the reason why we tend not to do awesome things we are not good at doing because we don't want to be the failure.   Here's the thing --- what if we just say that every result we get from an action that we take is just feedback - and that feedback will allow us to think of the next action to take?  That result does not define you.  It just provides you information so you can choose how to live your life after that result.

Note --- It took me more than a month to complete this because - the truth is - I was not ready to hear the advice that I'm writing.   I wanted this article to be awesome - so that I can feel awesome.   But hey - I decided - that instead of wanting this to be awesome --- maybe I just need to have it done --- regardless of the outcome.

With Much Love
The Forty Year Old You

That Thing Called Compassion

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

It had been a month since I attended the facilitator's training for TeamUp.  With this training,   I have intentions of taking steps closer to living a mindful life and also helping others who choose to live a mindful life.  Note that when I started my mindfulness journey - compassion was not in my mind as a result of what I was doing. but as I went deeper into my mindfulness practice; it just became front and center of some of my practice.  So today - I'd like to talk about it and what I think about compassion.

During the TeamUp training,  I actually had - what Brene Brown called a breakdown/spiritual awakening.  It was the third day of training and I just found myself uncontrollably sobbing.   Finally,  I felt that I just had to share with everyone what I was feeling:

"I'm having a breakdown all by myself here - that I felt I just needed to share what I'm going through.  I am an openly gay man and I have experienced coming out years ago.   They say that someone gay can only come out once in his/her lifetime.  It's like being born - you can only be born once in a lifetime.  I remember that coming out experience and as much as I was afraid of expressing to the world that I was gay for fear of being rejected,  I would say that it was also a beautiful experience because it allowed me to release all of those bottled up feelings and ideas prior to coming out.

"Today - I feel that once again - I'm going through a coming out process.  This time,  it's no longer about my sexuality.   When I asked to speak to my voice of compassion during the Big Mind exercise,  I've come to realize that for so long,  I have tried to fit in to what I thought was how I should be.   The problem is - fitting in meant that I had to bottle up my big personality.   Today - I've realized that this big personality of mine wants to come out and be seen.   It is no longer taking the crap from my ego - and it just wants to proclaim it's bigness to all of you."

After saying that,  I felt so expanded.  It was as if I have emptied myself out and is actually experiencing love from the Universe pouring into the emptied vessel of my soul.

So what does this experience have anything to do with compassion?    

In response to what I have shared,  a woman named Laura gave me feedback and shared some of her own thoughts on the coming out process.

"She said - my Darling - I love you dearly and now I know why.   Having said that - I actually want to share with you what my Mom told me during my coming out process.   She said, 'Coming out is a horrible term to use for what you are going through.  Coming out somehow denotes being found out.   Revealing to the world a secret - or coming out of hiding.   I really think that when someone accepts who they really are in their sexuality,   instead of coming out,  one actually comes into herself/himself.'   So my Darling - my friend - I really think that what I will tell you now will resonate with you because you may find this as the truth.   What you are going through is that you have deeply come into yourself and recognized that part of you that you are ready to share with the whole world.   And this is a beautiful experience that I am so grateful to have experienced."

That feedback blew me away.   She is right - what I have actually been experiencing is this deep connection with that part of myself that until then - I have pushed away and denied.   And when I felt that compassion - I realized that instead of pushing away that part of me - and suffering through it - by being disconnected from it,   what will be most helpful for my growth is to embrace it.

Compassion - when you look it up in the web for it's definition is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for someone who experiences sorrow.   It is a also a feeling that comes with a strong feeling to alleviate that suffering. Compassion comes with the need to take action - even if that action comes with lending an ear towards someone else when they need to express what they are going through.   It comes from that deep truth that at the end of the day,  we're all one - with our lives.   We are connected to each other and therefore another person's suffering and cares in this life --- we share in that suffering and cares as well.   But one thing that I have come to realize is that compassion - like love - starts with oneself.

At the end of that training for TeamUp,  we had to share what we learned during those three days.   This is what I shared:

"I learned about compassion.  I also learned how we are connected to one another.   I realized that during those moments when I encounter people I don't like,  or I feel contraction towards my interaction with another person or his/her behavior,  more often than not - how I feel is a reflection of how I feel about parts of me that I don't like and have actually disowned."

So my dear friend,  I ask of you.   Start reflecting upon how you feel about yourself - by looking at how you feel about others.   Before you embark on trying to fix the world --- it is best to start looking at yourself and the things that need to be fixed.  Is there some part of you that you have disowned or have buried into oblivion because you didn't like it?   Talk to that part of you and deal with it with love.   Know that the part of you that you have denied is suffering - for acknowledgment.

Only when you have reconciled everything with love - and compassion - about yourself - can you truly start engaging with other people with deep love and compassion.

I am rambling - I am trying to express concepts now that I am struggling to express in the past month.   But alas - I don't feel that I am successful.  So I will stop for now.  But know this --- my promise in my life - and hopefully as you read this - you can start early.  I promise to feel love deep within us.  Love for who we are - so we can be beacons of love for the world around us.

With much Love,

The Forty Year Old you