Thy Will be Done

Luis has come back to his favorite writing spot: the chair - next to the window which overlooks the big pine tree across the street.  This is day three that Luis has attempted to write but the page continued to be blank.

“Today is the day”.   Luis muttered.

He is experiencing writer’s block.  The first writer’s block that he has suffered since a short story he has written about a boy and his dog was  published in the local paper.

“Now that I am published.  This should be easier,  right?”  He’s trying to convince himself that this statement is true.

Of course - he knows that is a lie.    Being published - does not make writing easier. 

“Maybe I should call on to my muse.”  

He took the brass singing bowl that lies on the desk next to where he sat.  He closed his eyes.  He touched the wooden stick on the metal bowl and began to spin the stick around the bowl.   The bowl began to sing.  

Luis prayed, “Come my muse,  I need inspiration.   What should I write?”

Luis stopped spinning the stick - and the bowl went silent.  He then grabbed the pen and held it next to the paper.   He stared at the pen,  he held his breath.   He is trying to will the words to come out from the ink of his pen.

NOTHING.

Frustrated.  Luis stood up.  Slammed the pen on the white sheet of paper. 

Luis yelled,  “Why - Why - Gods of Writing?   What have I done for you to abandon me?”

“Why did I ever think I will ever be able to write brilliant pieces?”  He muttered to himself.

“I give up.   I’m not a writer.”

And this is the truth.  At this moment - Luis is not a writer.  He is just another guy - experiencing the  pain from being creatively impotent and detached from his divine inspiration.  

Luis stared at the blank page.  Once again,  he picked up the pen and started writing:

I surrender.  Thy will be done.

Then - like magic,  the spark of inspiration came and Luis continued to write.   

Like the many gifts of the divine - inspiration is not a slave that comes when we will it.  No amount of previous success will assure that it will come back.  No rituals and prayers will assure the answer from the gods of creativity.  And when we rage on for being disappointed  for being deprived of the  gifts we think we are entitled to - we may actually have done nothing but scare the gifts from coming our away.

For the divine inspiration comes - not when we call.  It comes when we feel defeated and finally surrender and acknowledge its power over us and say:

“Thy will be done and not mine”

One

Come be Awake

Soul calls to Self

Mind is still

We are one

Step into light

Warmth of Love

Gift of Peace

We are one

Embrace the Sorrow

Forgive the Darkness

Remember your light

We are one

Live the Mystery

Connect unto Other

Discover their Light

We are one

Hold the Divine

Here and now

Eternity is Here

We are one

I Know Nothing

How is it to live a life of curiosity? How is it to discover how it feels like to live, to truly live?

Can we be curious about how our body feels like when it experiences love, anger, fear, joy, disappointment? 

Our mind will say, I already know how it is. I know the ending to this story - and I don't like it. So the mind will refuse to cooperate and protest against this thing we will call "living our life".

Then the heart tricks us to doing as it pleases, disregarding the quiet protest that the mind has displayed - with its arms folded across its chest. Then we live life - and we experience the love, or anger, or fear, or joy, or all the other emotions we experience in our lives everyday. Then the mind speaks after all this and say "I know nothing".

Confessions of the Tyrant Sun

During the day, the sun sits on his throne high in the sky. He is a wise ruler, but he is stern and cruel. Cruel to those who dare stand and stare at him in defiance. Those who defy him are punished with blindness.

“Follow my word,” he says.

“My light, my truth will keep you safe. There are monsters in the shadows, I can protect you from them.”

The sun is alone as he sits on his throne in the day sky. His subjects bow to him never looking at him, never questioning him. They have their heads bowed as they work to please the cruel Sun.

Then night time comes and the moon starts to take her seat on her throne. She is a benevolent ruler. That benevolence comes from the acknowledgement that her light is not alone in the night sky. The millions of stars are with her. Each one of them with their light and their truth, keeping their subjects safe. 

“Come look at me,” she says, “Come look at us. I the moon am your mother. The many stars your brothers and sisters.”

“We are here with you as you live through the night. As you look at us - we see ourselves reflected in your eyes.”

The moon’s subjects take comfort in these soothing words that they themselves are like her and the stars. Whatever monsters there are in the shadows - they can slay because within their eyes are the power of the universe’s light. So they lay to rest after sending their thanks to the moon and the stars.

I confess, that I am the tyrant sun during the brightest moments of my life. I am the arrogant ruler who thinks that mine is the only truth. I do not see others because I am blinded by the intense brightness of my arrogance. 

I confess that all the brightness goes away during the deepest and darkest moments of my life. As my own light fades, I lift my gaze to the night sky, and I see that I am not alone - and that I am not the only source of light. I find that my own truth is nothing but a small reflection of the truth that shines from the moon and the many stars in the sky.

So I ask of you my brothers and sisters - I ask for your forgiveness for only acknowledging your light and your truth during the night. I then ask for your blessing - to help me not get blinded by own arrogance during the brightest moments of my life. Those times, I need the Grace of the Divine to look much more closely and dim my own light - for me to see the miracle of you, the moon and the stars reflecting your own light and truth into my eyes.

I love My Job ( Even on a Monday)

The office chime is blaring from the speakers signaling the end of today’s work day. It’s a Monday – and Ben thought that the end of the work day couldn’t have come sooner.

Ben packed his bags – and walked out of his office

“Good bye everyone, y’all have a good evening.” Ben said to the people who sit next to his office.

Ben got to his car – which like many times before – is being driven by his father. He gets teased a lot by his office mates for that. He's a forty year old Papa's boy.

Ben asked his father about his pain therapy – to which his father replied. “OK lang --- mukhang gumagana naman yung therapy” (It was ok – it seems to be working).

“That’s good.” Ben said.

“That’s good,” Ben repeated and like all other car rides before this, his thoughts were no longer inside the car.

“I love my job but …”

Yes – Ben loves his job but it does feel like there are days like this when he thinks, “I love my job but …” He loves his job – but he can’t seem to think that most days – it’s drudgery. He doesn’t like the days when his mailbox is full and with each e-mail screaming "answer me". Or those days when there are a gazillion invoices and expense reports to review.

“Ugh!"

Then he paused and said to himself, “But those e-mails are nothing compared to the blessing of being able to connect to the people I work with.”

This again is the truth – Ben loves his team. It’s the best part of his job.

“I love my team but …”

Again – that word – BUT. Today he spoke to George who set up a meeting with him because he needs to bounce off an idea with Ben. The meeting went too long - and by the end of it - both Ben and George were confused. Ben recalls saying to George when the latter was expressing his frustration, “I know what you are saying and I understand where you are coming from and if I were in your shoes – I will feel and think the same way.”

That’s a lie. He doesn’t know where George is coming from. Ben is a people pleaser and he has the gift of saying what seems to be the right thing to say to others. This is why people like him because he makes them feel better when they talk to him. Ben likes the thought that people like him and he thinks that if his team mates don’t like him – he is nothing.

“But I wish I can just tell them the truth ... when they need to hear it ... even if they can't handle the truth.”

He muses, "I wish I can tell someone to fuck off when he or she is being a pain in the ass"

The car stopped – which halted Ben’s contemplation about his job. Ben hears his three dogs barking. He is home. He got off the car and headed on to the door. He opened the door to be welcomed by his dogs who seem to have missed him so much. He smiled – this is the highlight of his day.

“I love my job and – I live a good life. I should just be thankful.”

As Ben thought about this – he knew that these were just affirmations – that most days they are true but today – it’s a Monday --- and today he wishes that all the words were true.

The Spirit Likes Quiet

Breathe.

I am your spirit and I ask you to breathe. Just breathe.

I can feel your sadness. I am not here to stop that sadness but I am here to get you through it. Just let the sadness flow through you. I know that this sadness makes you feel like you are falling through a bottomless pit. I can also feel that you are struggling as you fall. You reach out your hand through the darkness - hoping to hold on to something that will stop the fall.

As you fall through this bottomless pit of sadness,  I also feel other emotions; but the most dominant one that I can feel is your fear. There is fear that you are soon going to reach the bottom of this pit and you will hit the ground.  As much as you are suffering through this fall, you are afraid that when you hit the ground; you will suffer more and feel the pain of shattering into a million pieces.

I ask you now - as your spirit - to just breathe and stop struggling and stop reaching out for anything to hold on to as you fall into this pit.

I am going to share with you a couple of secrets.

You see - as you fall , I your spirit am here with you. As you get close to the bottom of the pit, when you see the end - when you can feel the ground about to hit you, you will not shatter into a million pieces because that's when I can save you. That's when I will catch you. I will be here to protect you and spread our wings so we can stop the fall.

But there's another secret  that I need you to hear and understand. I have an alternative to coming to the rescue at the last moment of this fall. The alternative is for you to just breathe. And as you breathe - just be quiet. Be quiet - because I - your spirit likes quiet. I am most powerful in silence. If at this time in your sadness, you stop struggling and stop thinking and let quiet to take over, I can do my best work a lot sooner and way before we hit the bottom of this pit.

So please breathe my beloved self. Be quiet so I your spirit can help us through this sadness and so that I can use our wings to lift us up from this sadness.

Breathe and sink into the silence, into the quiet, into the peace of your spirit.

It Isn't About You

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

We have a big ego.  We attach our success and failure to everything that we do and to the things that we have accomplished and failed in.

This has caused us to drive for more success but this has also caused us to avoid failure - which means risk isn't really something that we like facing head on.

Here's the thing - what if everything that we accomplish and everything that we failed in - really isn't about us?   What if we were not the central character in the stories of our lives?   What if our actions cause the stories to develop but if we succeeded or failed --- it doesn't really make us successful and it also doesn't make it a failure?

I have to pose this question because in the recent months,  I've come to realize that a lot of my heartaches in life is caused by my attachment to the story in my head that everything that happens in my life is something that I caused.  For some events - this may be a healthy mindset ---- being proud of losing ten pounds because of the discipline we exercised in avoiding sugar in our diet.   But largely - this mindset - is not helpful.   It can start from:   My dogs doing a proper sit when I use the command.   It's our dog's ability being displayed here - so we can't take the credit for it.   It can be as ridiculous as thinking that it didn't rain today when we are wearing white pants - because we asked the Universe for it.

This mindset is actually perpetuated by a lot of our friends and family praising us for things that if you think about it really isn't because of our skill.   For example - getting into a scholarship in the Ateneo was not because we were smart.   It really was because the University's Admission and Aid - looked through a checklist of qualifications for our application and noted that we meet the criteria - which included submitting an income document from Papa - which said he earned a really small income for the year we were applying for the scholarship.   Therefore - we fit the criteria for someone who should be considered for financial aid.

Why am I bringing this up?  How does a mindset of not attaching ourselves to the outcome become helpful in our lives?   You see - when we call ourselves successful or we call ourselves a failure based on the outcomes of our actions --- that label of successful or failure gives a lot of pressure on us to always want to be the successful person.   This actually has been part of the reason why we tend not to do awesome things we are not good at doing because we don't want to be the failure.   Here's the thing --- what if we just say that every result we get from an action that we take is just feedback - and that feedback will allow us to think of the next action to take?  That result does not define you.  It just provides you information so you can choose how to live your life after that result.

Note --- It took me more than a month to complete this because - the truth is - I was not ready to hear the advice that I'm writing.   I wanted this article to be awesome - so that I can feel awesome.   But hey - I decided - that instead of wanting this to be awesome --- maybe I just need to have it done --- regardless of the outcome.

With Much Love
The Forty Year Old You

That Thing Called Compassion

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

It had been a month since I attended the facilitator's training for TeamUp.  With this training,   I have intentions of taking steps closer to living a mindful life and also helping others who choose to live a mindful life.  Note that when I started my mindfulness journey - compassion was not in my mind as a result of what I was doing. but as I went deeper into my mindfulness practice; it just became front and center of some of my practice.  So today - I'd like to talk about it and what I think about compassion.

During the TeamUp training,  I actually had - what Brene Brown called a breakdown/spiritual awakening.  It was the third day of training and I just found myself uncontrollably sobbing.   Finally,  I felt that I just had to share with everyone what I was feeling:

"I'm having a breakdown all by myself here - that I felt I just needed to share what I'm going through.  I am an openly gay man and I have experienced coming out years ago.   They say that someone gay can only come out once in his/her lifetime.  It's like being born - you can only be born once in a lifetime.  I remember that coming out experience and as much as I was afraid of expressing to the world that I was gay for fear of being rejected,  I would say that it was also a beautiful experience because it allowed me to release all of those bottled up feelings and ideas prior to coming out.

"Today - I feel that once again - I'm going through a coming out process.  This time,  it's no longer about my sexuality.   When I asked to speak to my voice of compassion during the Big Mind exercise,  I've come to realize that for so long,  I have tried to fit in to what I thought was how I should be.   The problem is - fitting in meant that I had to bottle up my big personality.   Today - I've realized that this big personality of mine wants to come out and be seen.   It is no longer taking the crap from my ego - and it just wants to proclaim it's bigness to all of you."

After saying that,  I felt so expanded.  It was as if I have emptied myself out and is actually experiencing love from the Universe pouring into the emptied vessel of my soul.

So what does this experience have anything to do with compassion?    

In response to what I have shared,  a woman named Laura gave me feedback and shared some of her own thoughts on the coming out process.

"She said - my Darling - I love you dearly and now I know why.   Having said that - I actually want to share with you what my Mom told me during my coming out process.   She said, 'Coming out is a horrible term to use for what you are going through.  Coming out somehow denotes being found out.   Revealing to the world a secret - or coming out of hiding.   I really think that when someone accepts who they really are in their sexuality,   instead of coming out,  one actually comes into herself/himself.'   So my Darling - my friend - I really think that what I will tell you now will resonate with you because you may find this as the truth.   What you are going through is that you have deeply come into yourself and recognized that part of you that you are ready to share with the whole world.   And this is a beautiful experience that I am so grateful to have experienced."

That feedback blew me away.   She is right - what I have actually been experiencing is this deep connection with that part of myself that until then - I have pushed away and denied.   And when I felt that compassion - I realized that instead of pushing away that part of me - and suffering through it - by being disconnected from it,   what will be most helpful for my growth is to embrace it.

Compassion - when you look it up in the web for it's definition is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for someone who experiences sorrow.   It is a also a feeling that comes with a strong feeling to alleviate that suffering. Compassion comes with the need to take action - even if that action comes with lending an ear towards someone else when they need to express what they are going through.   It comes from that deep truth that at the end of the day,  we're all one - with our lives.   We are connected to each other and therefore another person's suffering and cares in this life --- we share in that suffering and cares as well.   But one thing that I have come to realize is that compassion - like love - starts with oneself.

At the end of that training for TeamUp,  we had to share what we learned during those three days.   This is what I shared:

"I learned about compassion.  I also learned how we are connected to one another.   I realized that during those moments when I encounter people I don't like,  or I feel contraction towards my interaction with another person or his/her behavior,  more often than not - how I feel is a reflection of how I feel about parts of me that I don't like and have actually disowned."

So my dear friend,  I ask of you.   Start reflecting upon how you feel about yourself - by looking at how you feel about others.   Before you embark on trying to fix the world --- it is best to start looking at yourself and the things that need to be fixed.  Is there some part of you that you have disowned or have buried into oblivion because you didn't like it?   Talk to that part of you and deal with it with love.   Know that the part of you that you have denied is suffering - for acknowledgment.

Only when you have reconciled everything with love - and compassion - about yourself - can you truly start engaging with other people with deep love and compassion.

I am rambling - I am trying to express concepts now that I am struggling to express in the past month.   But alas - I don't feel that I am successful.  So I will stop for now.  But know this --- my promise in my life - and hopefully as you read this - you can start early.  I promise to feel love deep within us.  Love for who we are - so we can be beacons of love for the world around us.

With much Love,

The Forty Year Old you

Certainty and Faith

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

I am currently reading this book: The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein.  I love this book.  It actually puts into words all of the divine experiences that I've had in my life that I am starting to notice more everyday.   For me,  one of the things that is resonating well is the idea of certainty in the divine purpose of our lives - and that it is meant to be joyful and full of love.

So as you sit there reading this letter,  I want you to think of one of Gabrielle's exercises.  Think of what you will be doing if you are certain and that you don't have any doubt about your purpose and the life that you're meant to live filled with love and joy.   I have completed this exercise and here I share with you what I have come up with.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to honestly speak about how I feel.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to live a curious life.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to focus on gaining joyful and loving experiences instead of collecting material possessions.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to be grateful when I receive compliments.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to talk to strangers especially strangers I am attracted to.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to please myself and take care of my wants and needs before I take action to please others and take care of their wants and needs.  

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to identify my personal boundaries and communicate them to people I interact with.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to act with spontaneity.

With Much Love,

The Forty Year Old You

Job Satisfaction

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

I want to share this exchange I had with one of our interns earlier this week. That meeting was actually profoundly satisfying but there was one question to which my answer I will share with you today.

The question - "What gives you the most satisfaction in your job? Is it the pay? The environment? The actual work?"

A tricky question to answer because I want to be as truthful as I can. Like many times in the past month since I learned of "Big Mind", I took 2 mindful breaths before I gave my response.

My response:

I would be lying if I tell you that I don't derive satisfaction from the compensation I have in my job but I can honestly say that it is not the primary source of my satisfaction. I would have to reflect and take an inventory of the days in a year when I experience extreme joy and satisfaction because of one facet of my job. For example - the other day, my boss was coaching me through a difficult decision that I have to make. My initial recommendation wasn't really a logical one so we ended up with a different proposal. All through out that interaction - he asked difficult questions. He listened to what I was saying. He made me felel important. After I hung up the phone - I felt a deep sense of gratitude for having the opportunity to work with a great boss like him.

I would also like to say that times like this one - when I am able to talk to people like you (referring to the interns) - gives me a great sense of satisfaction that I actually sometimes exclaim - I get paid to do this? I am so blessed.

The joy and the gratitude and the feeling of being blessed - I would say is equivalent to the joy and gratitude I feel when my boss hands me the letter once a year that declares - what my new compensation is for the year. Does this mean that I don't feel joyful when I see my payslip every payday? I do - but the deep joy is experienced only when I get that letter - after that - and I'm being honest here - I kinda expect that amount I get in the paycheck. So you see - I only experience extreme joy related to compensation - once a year.

Whereas the joy that gives me the experience of my hair standing on its end? I experience that a lot more often in the great interactions with my great colleagues. I experience that when I feel overwhelming satisfaction over a job well done or when I feel proud of my team's work.

So - for me - in conclusion - if I were to look at where I derive the satisfaction in my work that makes me want to get up in the morning excited - it is rare that I do it because of compensation. I do it most of the time because of the joy I get with working around people I respect and doing work that I love.

Feeling Blessed,
The Forty Year Old You

Living with Our Parents

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

It's a Saturday morning.  I didn't have any Friday night plans - which is really good because I had a restful sleep.  I need that after the busy week that I just had.

Writing to you is an odd experience because I feel a lot of contradicting things inside as a write these letters.  Right now,  I tell myself, I ran out of ideas to write about.  As I type on my Macbook (yes - you became an Apple Fan boy), and the letters start to appear onscreen - a gazillion ideas just pop up in my mind and then I tell myself I don't know where to start.  In the past, when I feel these contradicting feelings, I just freeze and  stop what I'm doing and tell myself that it's not worth it. These days, I've learned how to fight it.  The confused feelings don't last long and when they are lifted from my mind, I get to focus and actually complete the task at hand.

I thought I would start today by reminding you that I'm your Forty year old self.  So I can see your future.  Quirky idea isn't it?  We are sci-fi fans so we know there's danger involved when the future person reveals details to their past persona.  That's just science fiction - so I will disregard it and still reveal this tiny bit of detail about my life now.  I am now living with Papa and Mama in the same house.  For almost 10 years, I lived on my own, but when I moved to Baguio for a job, I told Papa that I want him and Mama to move to Baguio with me.  If there's one thing that I learned from our brief stint in the US - I really can't live far away from my family.  I'm a drifter.  I don't like keeping in touch.  I don' like long phone calls.  I don't write e-mails.  And when I was in the US,  I realized that when I stop keeping in touch,  one day I wanted to talk to our folks and realize that I did not  know how to.  This time,  I didn't want to put myself and our parents in the same situation so I resolved to ask our folks to move with us.  They were very happy to do so - given that the destination will be good for them.   Papa, Mama and I all packed our bags - along with our two dogs then (the third one joined us when we were already in Baguio) - then we settled in the City of Pines.

Living together under one roof wasn't much of a challenge.  At this age, all of us already treat each other as adults.  You see, I find that in most dysfunctional parent and child relationships, the parents treat their sons and daughters as if the latter were children.  The children resent these interactions but they actually commit the same "crime" against their parents.  As the parents get older, and lose some of their faculties ( and we're lucky - Mama and Papa are strong physically and mentally ) - the children start treating their parents like the latter were children.   There's a lot of horror in those types of interactions and my advice to you - when you get to this time in your life.  Remind yourself - and your parents that you all are adults and treat each other as such.

I am sorry I don't have a list of three to five things that I want to share with you today.  I just thought that it was nice to just talk to you about our lives.   Wait - I lied - I don't have three pieces of advice but I have one.  When you start living with Mama and Papa - you will realize that you missed their home cooked meals.  This will lead you to gorge on every meal that your mom cooks for you.   May I remind you that you love every fattening and carb-full recipe that she can concoct.  Like many other things that you consume - please practice moderation.  Otherwise - you will end up a fatty with very high bad cholesterol levels in your blood.

I hope you're reading this on a weekend as I am writing it on a Saturday morning.  I don't have plans for today.  I just want to walk the dogs this morning.  Get some supplies for my week's salad and shakes downtown.  Then - maybe write more letters to you.

Before I end this - I was thinking it would be fun to give you a nickname.  I settled on Timmy (Thiry-Me contacted).  I'm being silly I know but it's a lot shorter than writing the full phrase - 30-year-old-me.

Anyways - Timmy - I love the ring of that - I will end this letter (like any conversations on the phone I don't know how to end letters).  I hope that you really have a great weekend.

With much love,

Forty Year Old You.