The Gifts of Death

“I am not ready to die,” Body speaks to mind.

“Neither am I my friend,” Mind responds.

One is never ready for Death. Till the last breath, Body, Mind and Heart wish for an alternate ending to life.

“I am weak,” says Body. 

“Body, I know you are weak. I am looking for the medicine to what ails you. I know there’s a cure for your pain.”

Mind’s attempt of reassurance is met with silence.

“You cannot give up, Body. Today, like many other times in the past, I will protect you.”

Body feels cold.

“Why am I sad?” Body muses.

“Stop the sadness. Drive it away,” Mind says. “Sadness makes us weaker. I can give you happy thoughts.”

“Think of the time we jumped off the cliff. Remembering that always gives us joy.”

Body recalls the moments when they fell into the water, the warm waters felt like a warm embrace back then, but this time there is no warmth. He continues to be cold. And the coldness reaches his feet.

“No!!!!” Mind is frantic.

“No!!!” He cries and his tears blind him.  He loses sight of Body. “Body, where are you my friend? Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave me alone.”

“My love, Please hold my hand. You are not alone. I am here.”  It is Heart who speaks. He has been watching Mind and Body all along.

Heart feels Mind’s suffering. Heart feels Body’s pain.

It is clear that the end is near but only Heart accepts it.

“Mind, please hold my hand. We are together till the end.”

“It’s unfair.” Mind is sobbing, “We should live forever.”

Heart cannot muster a response; he just squeezes Mind’s hand.

Mind calms down, then Heart speaks. “She is here my friend. Are you ready?”

“Sh-she is? I am not ready Heart. Can’t we ask her for more time? Can’t we offer her anything.”

“She does not need anything from us Mind. She comes when it’s time. And it is.”

Body is motionless.

The cold continues to spread.

The toes, then the feet, then the legs. Freezing.

The fingers, then the arms, the head, then the eyes. Freezing.

Lastly, the chest. The cold reaches the chest.

Heart is the only one who can speak and he says.

 “Death our friend, please be kind”

Death, as always, is kind. She embraces the three friends and kisses them one by one and speaks of her gift to each one.

She kisses Body and says, “Rest.”

She kisses Mind and offers, “The truth that you seek.”

She kisses Heart and gives, “Courage and love.”

Heart falls silent. There no longer is the familiar beat.

For a moment that is eternity, there is only peace.

In the end; Body, Mind, Heart, Death, Life and all there is, is One.

Trial of the Century

Manila, PH - Today, we heard the sentencing of Lord Fernandez who was convicted for the crime of corruption of his true self and purpose. The trial was initiated when Fernandez published a blog post entitled “Confession”.
 

The prosecutor’s case was primarily built upon Fernandez’s confession. Here, we quote Fernandez.

“I confess to the crime of corrupting my own self. I woke up today not recognizing the man in the mirror. I look tired from carrying the burden of all the material possessions that I have acquired through the years.” 

During the trial, the prosecutor paraded Fernandez’s possessions:  multiple mobile phones, tablets, laptops, suit cases, phone cases, cameras, etc. All those possessions would have filled up Alibaba’s cave of treasures.

When Fernandez took the stand, he was asked by the prosecutor how he ended up amassing this much junk.

“When I was young, I did not have money for toys. Because of this, I could not join the boys in our neighborhood when they played with their toys. When I earned enough money to buy the big boys’ toys, I bought them. Every gadget I bought was my way of buying my place in the cool boys' clique.

“You committed bribery for acceptance.” The prosecutor proclaimed.

The public opinion on Fernandez was split. Some of them think he’s a monster while others think of him as a victim. When the guilty verdict came, even those who were sympathetic were not surprised.

Everyone expected the judge to throw Fernandez in jail but that sentence did not materialize.

The judge’s ruling today read:

“Lord Fernandez. It is odd that we even had to go through a trial when you practically plead guilty to the crime.  I am glad we did have a trial because it was enlightening and helped in determining your sentence for this so called crime.”

“In front of me is a broken man. You clearly have done a number on yourself.”

“What is the appropriate punishment for someone who is already suffering?”

“As judge, my ultimate job is to uphold justice. You admitted your crime. You have corrupted yourself and your confession is a cry for help.”

“As such, this is your sentence. Every day, look at yourself in the mirror. Tell that man, you are enough. The clothes on your back, the hair on your head, your voice and every cell in your body, your mind, and your heart make you whole. Every time you find the itch to acquire another gadget, or car, or house to buy yourself into someone’s acceptance, repeat unto yourself these words, ‘I am whole. I am enough’.”

The judge then stood up from his podium and approached Fernandez. The judge laid his hand on Fernandez’s shoulder and asked him to stand up.  The judge hugged him tight. When the judge let go of Fernandez, he said these last words, “Today, you have been judged with kindness. Remember that the next time you judge yourself harshly.” 

Who is The Fairest?

In my past life, I was the Evil Queen - the villainess to Snow White.

In this re-incarnated life, I pay for my past life’s sins: vanity, envy, murder and (the biggest sin of all); wearing foundation that was two tones lighter than my actual skin tone.

For my atonement, the gods have been cruel; they reminded me of my evil ways by giving me back my enchanted mirror.  The Mirror was witness to the insult that the fates have handed to me.

"Who is the fairest of them all?", I once asked her.

My heart was shattered to pieces when she responded: Snow White.

Now, the enchanted mirror is no longer on the wall.  It accompanies me everywhere I go. 

Old habits are hard to break and I still ask the same question.  "Who is the fairest?"

Her answer did not change: the fairest of them all is someone else.

I tried everything that I could to change that answer.

Last year, I colored my hair blonde, wore a GQ-worthy outfit, took a selfie and applied a soft filter before I posted it on Instagram.

"Am I the fairest now?"

Mirror teased, “The fairest is Ricky Martin.”

This year, I showed off my banging body that was the result of not eating carbs for a year. I Photoshopped  it and pinched my waist smaller. I thought it was perfect.

The mirror thought that Nick Jonas was the rightful owner of the crown for fairest in Instagram-land.

Every selfie and every OOTD I posted on IG was met with the disdainful answer that I was not the most beautiful.

Tired and weary, my face showed the burden of holding on to my fading youth. Any time, I know I could face death. I'm afraid that I have not broken away from the pattern of vanity-envy-crazy.

Today, I decided to ask the Mirror, “Is there hope for me?”

She responded, "There is hope for you but stop asking the same question expecting a different answer.  And your highness, may I remind you again to address me by my proper name: SIRI."

She is right, even in her modern form as my iPhone, the enchanted mirror held the same wisdom of old that she has brought from her past life.

I asked, "Siri, What is the right question?"

She listed:

"How can I live a life of love and joy?"

"Who can I help today?"

"Where can I find peace?"

I repeated those questions and fairy dust trickled from the heavens. Siri must be right. These are the questions that will lead to freedom from the sins of my past.

Once upon a time, I was the Evil Queen. Most of this re-incarnated life; I repeated her pattern as the Drama Queen. But today, I think I have found a different path.  Today, with new questions in my heart around love, peace, charity and joy, I may have found a path to my happily ever after.

Come Clean

Today, I came clean, at the Groomers.

The Groomers is the abyss filled with horror and pain. 

The imp employed for my torture was waiting.  He started by shooting a stream of water at my chest. I shivered from the cold.  My body was wet and my fur clung to my skin.  He then rubbed soap all over me.  My eyes burned as the soap got into my eyes. I cried from the sting. 

For a moment, I caught a glimpse of you watching from behind the glass window that separated us.  I squealed to ask for your help.  No reaction.  I think you did not even see me.  Your mind seemed to be miles away.  I saw tears in your eyes.  You were crying from pain it seems like.  I wondered what the cause of your pain was.

                                       

My attention then turned to my own pain as my tormentor blasted me again with water.  I plotted to get away from him but lost all hope of escape when I realized that I was chained to the table. I surrendered to the torture.  I stopped struggling. I decided to be still.

In this stillness, I noticed, that there was something missing. I remembered that I scratched so hard last night and this morning that I ended up with wounds from digging my claws into my skin over and over again. The compulsion for me to scratch was gone.  Could it be that the water and soap healed me from the itch?  Could it be that my so called tormentor was actually my healer?

The groomer brought out another contraption that blew air that swept through my body.  I no longer felt pain and discomfort. In fact, the air felt like a gentle touch that is not unlike your touch when you pet me. I actually enjoyed that moment being bathed with air.  I then heard a voice, “Do you feel better?”  I felt a peaceful embrace. I realized it was you. You were hugging me and kissing me.

 “It’s time to come home.”

And just like that, my ordeal was done. I looked at my paws, and smelled myself, and I realized I was still my old self, after going through that suffering.  I was myself but better.  I was cleansed from the furies that drove me to scratch myself till I bled.

You picked me up from the groomer’s table and I looked at your face, I noticed that you still had tears in your eyes. 

I may not be wise but maybe you can listen to someone who journeyed through the abyss at the groomers and found healing in the end.  Whatever you are going through, should you follow my lead and come clean?  Go through your own abyss   Like me, you will get out of there, and I’ll be waiting for you when you come out to tell you,  “It’s time to come home.”

I Seek

Hands hold Stick

Blindfold on eyes

A Game to Seek

The paper beast

Stuffed White, Blue, Pink

With hidden treats

A voice speaks:

"Be smart, turn to your right." 

Am I smart? To the right, I turn. 

"Hit it."

Swing the stick with all my might. 

Swoosh! No hit.

An idiot,

Am I?

A voice speaks:

"Turn Left, my Love"

Am I loved?  I go to the left. 

"Hit it."

Swing the stick with all my might. 

Swoosh! No hit.

Unloved, 

Am I?

A voice speaks:

"Turn around, pretty one"

Another one speaks:

"Forward, my dear."

Am I Pretty?

Am I dear?

More voices speak

I follow Each

To be pretty,

To be loved

To be right

But each voice

Leads to Defeat

My arms are weak. 

I ask "What do I seek?" 

My heart speaks.

"Freedom, you seek,

Let go of stick. 

Let your eyes see

See what you seek."

I drop the stick,

I let my eyes see.

The voices that jeer

They're not here.

Mere Phantoms

That lead to defeat. 

Heart's voice is real.

It knows what I seek.

I seek to see

I seek to be free

Confessions of the Tyrant Sun

During the day, the sun sits on his throne high in the sky. He is a wise ruler, but he is stern and cruel. Cruel to those who dare stand and stare at him in defiance. Those who defy him are punished with blindness.

“Follow my word,” he says.

“My light, my truth will keep you safe. There are monsters in the shadows, I can protect you from them.”

The sun is alone as he sits on his throne in the day sky. His subjects bow to him never looking at him, never questioning him. They have their heads bowed as they work to please the cruel Sun.

Then night time comes and the moon starts to take her seat on her throne. She is a benevolent ruler. That benevolence comes from the acknowledgement that her light is not alone in the night sky. The millions of stars are with her. Each one of them with their light and their truth, keeping their subjects safe. 

“Come look at me,” she says, “Come look at us. I the moon am your mother. The many stars your brothers and sisters.”

“We are here with you as you live through the night. As you look at us - we see ourselves reflected in your eyes.”

The moon’s subjects take comfort in these soothing words that they themselves are like her and the stars. Whatever monsters there are in the shadows - they can slay because within their eyes are the power of the universe’s light. So they lay to rest after sending their thanks to the moon and the stars.

I confess, that I am the tyrant sun during the brightest moments of my life. I am the arrogant ruler who thinks that mine is the only truth. I do not see others because I am blinded by the intense brightness of my arrogance. 

I confess that all the brightness goes away during the deepest and darkest moments of my life. As my own light fades, I lift my gaze to the night sky, and I see that I am not alone - and that I am not the only source of light. I find that my own truth is nothing but a small reflection of the truth that shines from the moon and the many stars in the sky.

So I ask of you my brothers and sisters - I ask for your forgiveness for only acknowledging your light and your truth during the night. I then ask for your blessing - to help me not get blinded by own arrogance during the brightest moments of my life. Those times, I need the Grace of the Divine to look much more closely and dim my own light - for me to see the miracle of you, the moon and the stars reflecting your own light and truth into my eyes.

Perpekto

O ‘Pre balita ko nakipag-break sa yo si Perpekto. Lekat naman buhay 'to. Ilang beses ka na bang sinaktan nyang impaktong yan? Ano ba talaga nahihita mo kay Pekto? Oo alam ko kapag kinindatan ka niya wala na, hypnotized ka na at feeling mo lahat ng problema mo wala na.

Pero di ba paulit ulit lang siyang nakikipag-break sa yo? Nung una - hindi ka nga niya pinapansin kasi sabi niya ang pangit ng ilong mo. So nagpatangos ka. Sinagot ka niya — ang saya saya mo.

Wala pang isang linggo — nakipag-break siya sa yo. Kasi napansin daw niya - payatot ko. Niyaya mo akong mag-gym. Hayun - nagpaka-borta ka. Sinagot ka na naman niya - pero this time — naging kayo - isang araw lang. Dahilan naman niya - dukha ka.

Nagpayaman ka nang todo-todo. Bumalik siya sa yo. Medyo matagal naging kayo - kasi parang napasaya mo na siya sa salapi mo.

Tapos ngayon — bakit kayo nag-break? 

Haay - ‘pre wag mo na kong yayain maglasing ha. Di naman nawawala problema natin pag naglalasing tayo. Pag gising mo gusto mo pa rin si Perpektong masungit. Hahabulin mong maging perpekto ka rin para sa kanya. Di mo pa na-gets? Para kay pekto - walang bagay sa kanya kundi siya. Kaya nga masungit - kasi laging nag-iisa.

Pero - bakit ba hindi ka tumingin tingin sa paligid mo.

Mayroon namang iba dito. Masaya, nagpapasalamat na kasama ka - mapagbigay.

Bago pa naging matangos ang ilong mo, kahit nung kasing payat ka ng tingting — at kahit na fish balls lang ang meryenda natin kasi wala kang pera — mahal ka na niya.

Mahal na kita. Kahit ano ka pa — alam ko mas bagay tayo. Sana ako na lang — si Generoso - kaya nga yan ang pangalan ko eh — nagbibigay ako — kahit ano - lalo na ang pagmamahal. Pramis - pag naging tayo —— matutuklasan mo kung ano ang saya na galing sa pagmamahal - kahit hindi ka Perpekto.

Love is Enough

Midori, my Beagle, is staring at me with her beautiful almond shaped brown eyes. I love how she looks with her white face. I think that the white face gives her a very dignified look. My cute little dignified baby Beagle.

Her intent gaze is one of her tricks. She can bark to ask for the piece of chicken that I’m about to put in my mouth but she knows that the gaze is enough for me to give her this treat. So I tossed it over to her which she caught. She’s great at catching food. She never misses.

“Thank you,” she said.

“You’re welcome” I replied. I looked around and made sure nobody sees me speak to my dog.

“What’s up with you today?” she said. “You look glum.”

“I had a bad day at work,” I said with a sigh, “I didn’t prepare well for a presentation and it tanked. Now I feel like shit because I knew I should have prepared better for that presentation!”

Midori jumped onto the couch and walked over to me, put her paw on my shoulder and started licking my face.

“I love you.” She said.

“I love you too.”

Now it’s my turn to stare at her.

She stepped away, sat and started to ask. “What?” tilting her head to the side.

“Midori,” I said “What do you think of me … as a father - I mean?”

“Oh daddy,” she said rolling her eyes. “You know I can’t answer that question. We dogs don’t think. We can only feel.”

“I never put any thought on how you are as my daddy,” she paused and then started again, “Let me answer that question differently. I can't think of how you are as my Daddy but I can tell you how I feel about you. And I always feel the same. When you’re around … when you’re not around … when I eat … when I pee … when we take our walk … I just always feel love for you.”

I got emotional and started crying. I asked, “How Midori? How can you just feel love for me and nothing else?”

She licked my face again and whispered, “How can I not? Our creator made all of us with the power of love and therefore all creatures of this earth is filled with love.”

“And daddy, let me tell you a secret, even you are filled with love. Everything else that you see and feel that is not love is just an illusion.”

“Here is proof: Come and hug me and just feel what happens."

I hugged her. I hugged Midori and closed my eyes. I can feel her heartbeat and I can also feel our love for each other. We both just sat there as I hugged her tenderly. At that moment, I thought and felt, this moment is enough. I am enough. Love is enough. Love is all there is.

The Spirit Likes Quiet

Breathe.

I am your spirit and I ask you to breathe. Just breathe.

I can feel your sadness. I am not here to stop that sadness but I am here to get you through it. Just let the sadness flow through you. I know that this sadness makes you feel like you are falling through a bottomless pit. I can also feel that you are struggling as you fall. You reach out your hand through the darkness - hoping to hold on to something that will stop the fall.

As you fall through this bottomless pit of sadness,  I also feel other emotions; but the most dominant one that I can feel is your fear. There is fear that you are soon going to reach the bottom of this pit and you will hit the ground.  As much as you are suffering through this fall, you are afraid that when you hit the ground; you will suffer more and feel the pain of shattering into a million pieces.

I ask you now - as your spirit - to just breathe and stop struggling and stop reaching out for anything to hold on to as you fall into this pit.

I am going to share with you a couple of secrets.

You see - as you fall , I your spirit am here with you. As you get close to the bottom of the pit, when you see the end - when you can feel the ground about to hit you, you will not shatter into a million pieces because that's when I can save you. That's when I will catch you. I will be here to protect you and spread our wings so we can stop the fall.

But there's another secret  that I need you to hear and understand. I have an alternative to coming to the rescue at the last moment of this fall. The alternative is for you to just breathe. And as you breathe - just be quiet. Be quiet - because I - your spirit likes quiet. I am most powerful in silence. If at this time in your sadness, you stop struggling and stop thinking and let quiet to take over, I can do my best work a lot sooner and way before we hit the bottom of this pit.

So please breathe my beloved self. Be quiet so I your spirit can help us through this sadness and so that I can use our wings to lift us up from this sadness.

Breathe and sink into the silence, into the quiet, into the peace of your spirit.

It Isn't About You

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

We have a big ego.  We attach our success and failure to everything that we do and to the things that we have accomplished and failed in.

This has caused us to drive for more success but this has also caused us to avoid failure - which means risk isn't really something that we like facing head on.

Here's the thing - what if everything that we accomplish and everything that we failed in - really isn't about us?   What if we were not the central character in the stories of our lives?   What if our actions cause the stories to develop but if we succeeded or failed --- it doesn't really make us successful and it also doesn't make it a failure?

I have to pose this question because in the recent months,  I've come to realize that a lot of my heartaches in life is caused by my attachment to the story in my head that everything that happens in my life is something that I caused.  For some events - this may be a healthy mindset ---- being proud of losing ten pounds because of the discipline we exercised in avoiding sugar in our diet.   But largely - this mindset - is not helpful.   It can start from:   My dogs doing a proper sit when I use the command.   It's our dog's ability being displayed here - so we can't take the credit for it.   It can be as ridiculous as thinking that it didn't rain today when we are wearing white pants - because we asked the Universe for it.

This mindset is actually perpetuated by a lot of our friends and family praising us for things that if you think about it really isn't because of our skill.   For example - getting into a scholarship in the Ateneo was not because we were smart.   It really was because the University's Admission and Aid - looked through a checklist of qualifications for our application and noted that we meet the criteria - which included submitting an income document from Papa - which said he earned a really small income for the year we were applying for the scholarship.   Therefore - we fit the criteria for someone who should be considered for financial aid.

Why am I bringing this up?  How does a mindset of not attaching ourselves to the outcome become helpful in our lives?   You see - when we call ourselves successful or we call ourselves a failure based on the outcomes of our actions --- that label of successful or failure gives a lot of pressure on us to always want to be the successful person.   This actually has been part of the reason why we tend not to do awesome things we are not good at doing because we don't want to be the failure.   Here's the thing --- what if we just say that every result we get from an action that we take is just feedback - and that feedback will allow us to think of the next action to take?  That result does not define you.  It just provides you information so you can choose how to live your life after that result.

Note --- It took me more than a month to complete this because - the truth is - I was not ready to hear the advice that I'm writing.   I wanted this article to be awesome - so that I can feel awesome.   But hey - I decided - that instead of wanting this to be awesome --- maybe I just need to have it done --- regardless of the outcome.

With Much Love
The Forty Year Old You

That Thing Called Compassion

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

It had been a month since I attended the facilitator's training for TeamUp.  With this training,   I have intentions of taking steps closer to living a mindful life and also helping others who choose to live a mindful life.  Note that when I started my mindfulness journey - compassion was not in my mind as a result of what I was doing. but as I went deeper into my mindfulness practice; it just became front and center of some of my practice.  So today - I'd like to talk about it and what I think about compassion.

During the TeamUp training,  I actually had - what Brene Brown called a breakdown/spiritual awakening.  It was the third day of training and I just found myself uncontrollably sobbing.   Finally,  I felt that I just had to share with everyone what I was feeling:

"I'm having a breakdown all by myself here - that I felt I just needed to share what I'm going through.  I am an openly gay man and I have experienced coming out years ago.   They say that someone gay can only come out once in his/her lifetime.  It's like being born - you can only be born once in a lifetime.  I remember that coming out experience and as much as I was afraid of expressing to the world that I was gay for fear of being rejected,  I would say that it was also a beautiful experience because it allowed me to release all of those bottled up feelings and ideas prior to coming out.

"Today - I feel that once again - I'm going through a coming out process.  This time,  it's no longer about my sexuality.   When I asked to speak to my voice of compassion during the Big Mind exercise,  I've come to realize that for so long,  I have tried to fit in to what I thought was how I should be.   The problem is - fitting in meant that I had to bottle up my big personality.   Today - I've realized that this big personality of mine wants to come out and be seen.   It is no longer taking the crap from my ego - and it just wants to proclaim it's bigness to all of you."

After saying that,  I felt so expanded.  It was as if I have emptied myself out and is actually experiencing love from the Universe pouring into the emptied vessel of my soul.

So what does this experience have anything to do with compassion?    

In response to what I have shared,  a woman named Laura gave me feedback and shared some of her own thoughts on the coming out process.

"She said - my Darling - I love you dearly and now I know why.   Having said that - I actually want to share with you what my Mom told me during my coming out process.   She said, 'Coming out is a horrible term to use for what you are going through.  Coming out somehow denotes being found out.   Revealing to the world a secret - or coming out of hiding.   I really think that when someone accepts who they really are in their sexuality,   instead of coming out,  one actually comes into herself/himself.'   So my Darling - my friend - I really think that what I will tell you now will resonate with you because you may find this as the truth.   What you are going through is that you have deeply come into yourself and recognized that part of you that you are ready to share with the whole world.   And this is a beautiful experience that I am so grateful to have experienced."

That feedback blew me away.   She is right - what I have actually been experiencing is this deep connection with that part of myself that until then - I have pushed away and denied.   And when I felt that compassion - I realized that instead of pushing away that part of me - and suffering through it - by being disconnected from it,   what will be most helpful for my growth is to embrace it.

Compassion - when you look it up in the web for it's definition is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for someone who experiences sorrow.   It is a also a feeling that comes with a strong feeling to alleviate that suffering. Compassion comes with the need to take action - even if that action comes with lending an ear towards someone else when they need to express what they are going through.   It comes from that deep truth that at the end of the day,  we're all one - with our lives.   We are connected to each other and therefore another person's suffering and cares in this life --- we share in that suffering and cares as well.   But one thing that I have come to realize is that compassion - like love - starts with oneself.

At the end of that training for TeamUp,  we had to share what we learned during those three days.   This is what I shared:

"I learned about compassion.  I also learned how we are connected to one another.   I realized that during those moments when I encounter people I don't like,  or I feel contraction towards my interaction with another person or his/her behavior,  more often than not - how I feel is a reflection of how I feel about parts of me that I don't like and have actually disowned."

So my dear friend,  I ask of you.   Start reflecting upon how you feel about yourself - by looking at how you feel about others.   Before you embark on trying to fix the world --- it is best to start looking at yourself and the things that need to be fixed.  Is there some part of you that you have disowned or have buried into oblivion because you didn't like it?   Talk to that part of you and deal with it with love.   Know that the part of you that you have denied is suffering - for acknowledgment.

Only when you have reconciled everything with love - and compassion - about yourself - can you truly start engaging with other people with deep love and compassion.

I am rambling - I am trying to express concepts now that I am struggling to express in the past month.   But alas - I don't feel that I am successful.  So I will stop for now.  But know this --- my promise in my life - and hopefully as you read this - you can start early.  I promise to feel love deep within us.  Love for who we are - so we can be beacons of love for the world around us.

With much Love,

The Forty Year Old you

Job Satisfaction

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

I want to share this exchange I had with one of our interns earlier this week. That meeting was actually profoundly satisfying but there was one question to which my answer I will share with you today.

The question - "What gives you the most satisfaction in your job? Is it the pay? The environment? The actual work?"

A tricky question to answer because I want to be as truthful as I can. Like many times in the past month since I learned of "Big Mind", I took 2 mindful breaths before I gave my response.

My response:

I would be lying if I tell you that I don't derive satisfaction from the compensation I have in my job but I can honestly say that it is not the primary source of my satisfaction. I would have to reflect and take an inventory of the days in a year when I experience extreme joy and satisfaction because of one facet of my job. For example - the other day, my boss was coaching me through a difficult decision that I have to make. My initial recommendation wasn't really a logical one so we ended up with a different proposal. All through out that interaction - he asked difficult questions. He listened to what I was saying. He made me felel important. After I hung up the phone - I felt a deep sense of gratitude for having the opportunity to work with a great boss like him.

I would also like to say that times like this one - when I am able to talk to people like you (referring to the interns) - gives me a great sense of satisfaction that I actually sometimes exclaim - I get paid to do this? I am so blessed.

The joy and the gratitude and the feeling of being blessed - I would say is equivalent to the joy and gratitude I feel when my boss hands me the letter once a year that declares - what my new compensation is for the year. Does this mean that I don't feel joyful when I see my payslip every payday? I do - but the deep joy is experienced only when I get that letter - after that - and I'm being honest here - I kinda expect that amount I get in the paycheck. So you see - I only experience extreme joy related to compensation - once a year.

Whereas the joy that gives me the experience of my hair standing on its end? I experience that a lot more often in the great interactions with my great colleagues. I experience that when I feel overwhelming satisfaction over a job well done or when I feel proud of my team's work.

So - for me - in conclusion - if I were to look at where I derive the satisfaction in my work that makes me want to get up in the morning excited - it is rare that I do it because of compensation. I do it most of the time because of the joy I get with working around people I respect and doing work that I love.

Feeling Blessed,
The Forty Year Old You

Do It For Yourself

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

I just dyed my hair gray.  Not blonde.   Not light brown.  Not black.  I dyed it gray.  You might be asking why I would do that when everyone who gets older - try to hide the silver gray hair that pops up as they age.  Firstly - this is not silver gray.   It's gray - without the silver.   It's actually en vogue in 2016 - and more and more younger people are trying it out.  Last weekend - I became one of those people.

The whole process took five hours.  The stylist had to strip away as much color as she could from my hair - which means I had to go through three bleaching processes.  After the bleaching process - my hair was white.   Then she applied the ash-gray color.   I could feel my hair screaming as we did this because it must have been a painful process for them.  The day after - some of my hair strands fell off - which - is good enough reason for me to tell myself - that now that I've experienced this - never again will I do it.

How do I find my gray hair look?   I love it.  It just gave me an edgy look that I've never really experienced even when I was young.   As you know - we've always tried trends but not to the extreme.  In fact - dyeing my hair gray,  I keep on telling myself that it still fits my overall look - unlike blonde - because everyone goes gray as they age.   Unlike blonde - which I've always thought will never fit my skin tone.

How do people find the look?   Almost everyone find it cool.  All I can say is that I feel so much love from a lot of our friends and family.   Them liking it is actually just extra for me because - in the end - I dyed my hair not to get people's approval.  I dyed my hair because I was curious about the look and how I would be able to carry it.

Of course - there will be a small number of people who don't like it - and there's one lady who expressed that it made me look old.   I've been reflecting on that comment - and as much as I try to say it doesn't bother me - I still want to give a tongue lashing at her.   In fact I kinda did,  I responded to her comment by saying, "It's a good thing that I am not doing this for you and I'm doing it for myself.  I'm very satisfied with it - and that is all there is to it."

Tongue lashing or not - I just want to make sure that you get that message.  In the end - the things that you want to do to yourself must be done from a place of curiosity and self compassion.  You must understand that you are doing it for yourself - and no matter what other people say - that you still love yourself despite what they say.   I'm starting to realize this as I age.  In the end - I am the only person I need to satisfy for my own look or what I wear.  Everyone else's opinion do not matter.

As I write this now - I've found a corollary to these words of wisdom.   As much as I should not care what other people say about how I look,  I should also not care about what other people do with their looks.   That's a great learning for me because - I am a very judgmental person.   I judge people based on their looks.  I thought it made me cool --- but now i realize it just makes me an ass$#)(*Q&.

So - the next time you want to do something crazy - ask yourself - can you live with yourself regardless of the consequences of those actions?  Don't care about what other people say - unless it actually has a direct impact on them.   What matters most is what you think and how you feel about it.   And - the corollary - mind your own business and if people make decisions that do not impact you or it does not cause injustice to another being --- you shouldn't care about it.

With Much Love,

The Forty Year Old You.

Just Believe

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

One of my favorite authors: "Brene Brown" writes and talks about Gremlins.  These refer to the voices that play out in our heads when we want to do something that exposes our vulnerable self.   One of the Gremlin tapes is "You're not good enough."   The other Gremlin tape is "Who do you think you are"?

I know these Gremlins all too well.  I hear them when I work and I hear them when I try to meet up with men that I'm interested in.   At work - it had been easy to shut them up.   I guess - you can say that I've survived so many challenges at work - that I have learned to hustle my way through the situations which trigger the Gremlins' persistent nagging.

The challenge lies with my dating life.  You see - I've grown up being told that I am an ugly fart.  I've been told that I am not attractive.   I have also had pimples on my face - and every movie out there where the protagonist is portrayed as ugly - has portrayed ugly with "artificial" pimples planted on their face.   The thing is - it might be fake pimples for those actors and actresses - but that was my reality.

Just recently - when I asked someone "Why do you think I have not been in a relationship?"  The response I got, "I think because your standards are too high."   This response immediately hit my ego - and I retorted back, "But shouldn't I have standards?   Should I just settle for someone even if I'm not attracted to them?"   After the defensiveness faded - the Gremlins started talking and kept on telling me,  "You're not good enough for the men that you like."   And the other Gremlin kept on saying,  "Why do you even try hitting on those attractive men,   who you think you are?"

These voices - definitely torment me and can actually lead me to do stupid things.   The actions I take fall into three categories.   One - I numb the pain.  I numb it often by shopping and buying things that I don't need or things that I think attractive people use or endorse in their commercials or instagram accounts.   Two - I find validation from other people - usually by logging onto Grindr or other online dating apps and immersing myself in praises and adulation of men that I don't really like.  The worst thing that I can do is to go on a date with these men - just to counter the pain I feel from feeling unattractive.   Lastly - I do stupid things just to be noticed by the men that I find attractive - and making a fool of myself by pretending to be cool in front of them even if what I'm doing is clearly an awkward fit for how I'm perceived by most people.

But my dear friend - I want you to learn from my mistakes.   The three actions that I have written above - is not how you deal with the pain and the torment of the Gremlins in your head.   You must answer this question: "Whose voice do you think are the Gremlin voices coming from."   What I mean by this is that - who is telling you "Who do you think you are?"   Is it your Mom?   Is it your Dad?   Is it your best friend?   At the moment in time that you think of these thoughts - who is physically telling you this?   Isn't it that the answer to this is that - nobody but you?    So the Gremlin voices are not external voices.   They are voices coming from within.    You are the one who is telling yourself that you are not good enough.  To quiet those voices - you need to tell yourself to just shut up.

One too many times,  all of us will hear other people say, "You must believe in yourself."   It gets repeated so many times that we have actually thought that it's just something people say to make other people feel better - but it doesn't really mean anything.  Recently,  I have come to realize - that statement - as much as it is a cliche - has a lot of truth behind it.   This is the reason why I hear it over and over again - because it is the universe telling me that it is a fundamental truth.   To experience joy - true joy - in what we do in our careers and in what we do in our love life - we must believe in our self.   We must believe that we are lovable and stop second guessing other people when they say that you are a being worthy of love - because we are.   We are good enough.   The Gremlins can continue to say what they want to say - but our resolution is strong enough to overcome those voices - until they sound like comedic small voices that are to be laughed at.

My friend - you will find that there will be times that you will meet people who will actually flat out reject you.   The thing is the feedback that you get from those people is a reflection more of what they are thinking about the world that they live in and the world that they grew up in and it is not a reflection of you - you can be a magnificent beautiful unicorn - but someone who has been trampled on by unicorns when they were young may actually see you as a rhinoceros.

It may still take years for you to truly accept this universal truth that you are worthy of love.   That's okay.   It isn't important when you wake up from the bad dream that you're currently living.   What is important is that you do wake up eventually.   Listen to the universe as it sends messengers around you reinforcing the beauty that you possess.   And when you wake up from the bad dream - I promise you,  you will find the love that you have been searching for all your life.

With much Love,

The Forty Year Old You

Fall in Love More Often

Dear Thirty Year Old Me

You don't fall in love often.  You actually fall in love only when you decide that it's time to fall in love.  The problem of course that you encounter with that premise is that - because you are opent ot falling in love at that time - the poor soul that you direct that affection towards becomes the receipient of this longing energy.

Here's the thing - you are actually a very attractive man.  DOn't let all the rejections you have previously received fool you.   YOu are attractive - but everytime you fall in love - you become unattractive in the eyes of the person you fall in love with.

The unattractiveness is not physical.  It actually has something to do with the energy that you bring foth which makes you not whole.

YOu are not whole because you tend to communicate that you are unwhole unless you actually get the affection of the person of your affection.

SO - this is my advice to you.  The next time you fall in love.  Cherish the feeling.  But make sure that you understand that you don't need the object of your affection to return that feeling for you to cherish the beauty that you experiene from that feeling.

You are definitely more than the desire for that feeling to be returned towards you.

THe other advice I have for you - is that you must fall in love more often.  That's the only way you can practice the appropriate skills that should come your way when you fall in love.  The skill of expressing your affection.  The skill of reining in the feeling.  The skill of dealing with the rejection.

fall in love often - and one day - the object of your affection will return that affection your way.

With most love

The forty year old you

Jump Off a Cliff

Dear Thirty-Year-Old-Me,

You live in a lot of fear.   There's just so much of them that seems to drive your life.  It can be as catastrophic as the fear of getting on a plane ( which - congratulations - you still get on a plane even if it scares you ).  It can be as mundane as the fear of opening your e-mail and reading a customer complaining about the service that he/she received from your team.

You are one ball of fear - electrified so much that mostly - you just decide not to do anything that you think you don't need to.   Decisions are being made for you by other people or you actually just end up in a conundrum that you just have no choice but to do something.

The good news is that - you seem to have guardian angels that make your life still interesting even if you are not in charge of it.   So all is well and good for you.

Here's the thing - one day - in your forties - you will wake up that you finally want to explore being brave.

Most people actually think that your recent actions are just products of the mid-life crisis.  I bet you are being washed over by shame at the thought of you falling into the typical definition of someone in his middle age - and gallivanting around town with orange hair or an m&m colored Ferrari.   I have news for you kid - you are that guy.  You don't have orange hair - but your hair is styled like the teenager that you never were.

I don't know how it started - but I know when you actually realized that fear can be conquered.   It started when you jumped off a 20-foot cliff in Siquijor - the land of the witches.   That trip was magical.   You know that you don't like planning vacations - but in this particular case - you decided to book the trip and asked your best friend if she wanted to come.   You loved the trip ( and your best friend hated it ).   That trip transformed a lot of your perspectives about life.

So going back to the 20-foot-cliff jump.   You were scared to jump.   You actually jumped off a 10-foot water fall that morning - and that jump actually hurt and you felt stupid after that because it was kind of hard to swim back to shore after that jump.  So you thought to yourself that afternoon - do I really want to risk this jump?

When the time came for you to jump - you actually brought into your mind the following dialogue - inspired by one of your favorite authors: Elizabeth Gilbert - when she talks about fear.   This is what you told fear:

"Mr. Fear.  Thank you for coming with me in this journey.   Like most days - I really have to give it to you because you are doing an exceptional job of telling me that what I'm about to do is stupid.  Here's the thing - I am actually very much curious about the outcome of me jumping off this cliff.  That curiosity is so strong that I know I would forever regret this opportunity to jump if I listen to you.   So again - I thank you for coming along - but I got to say - I got this.   I will jump off this cliff."

After saying that in your head - you stepped off the ledge.  Nope - you didn't jump.  You just stepped off the ledge and let gravity do it's job.   When your body hit the water - it was still painful and you ended up with a sore shoulder for weeks.   But I tell you - the euphoric feeling that you experienced as you traveled on air and as you hit the water --- there's no other feeling that matches that.   It was a great feeling.

With the experience of jumping off the cliff - that became a metaphor for a lot of the things that you decided to do after that.   For example - you wanted to see how you will look with light brown hair.  So you decided to just do it.    You decided to ask that good looking guy out - so you did.    You wanted to go to a leadership training and ask your boss to sponsor the training - so you asked.

Maybe you are indeed going through mid-life crisis now in your forties.   I'm telling you - crisis it may be --- it's one helluva ride that you're going through.  If - you find this inspiration a lot earlier in your life - listen to that inspiration.   I'd be very much interested in what the outcome will be if you listen to it earlier.

With so Much Love,
The Forty Year Old You

Baggage

“You have so much baggage.”

“What?”  I exclaimed.

“Honey,  you have so much baggage - or luggage - or whatever the English language calls all of these bags in your attic.”

I can’t believe that the voice in my head is nagging me about the bags in my attic.  I admit - I have many bags - but I have an excuse - I travel a lot for business and each one of those bags have served me well in my  trips.   Of course - I’m lying - at most the sport trunk from Rimowa and the in-cabin trolley from Samsonite are the most utilized bags - and all the others are there in case I have a special trip that will require me to use it.

For example - for trips to the beach - the soft-side blue bag that I bought when I had too much stuff to carry in one of my trips to India - is the perfect bag.  It’s the lightest bag that I have and when I don’t want to have any checked luggage for those four day trips to Boracay - it’s the perfect bag.

The red clamshell Samsonite bag is perfect when I am traveling to Hong Kong, or Singapore, or Malaysia.  You see - the number of clothes that I take to my international trips is directly proportional to the number of miles that I will earn for that trip.  So the Rimowa trunk is the right size for US and European trips.  The Samsonite bag is the perfect size for trips around Asia.

“I don’t have too much baggage.  I just have enough for the demanding travel that I do for my job.”   I am now yelling at the disapproving voice in my head.  As if yelling at the voice will silence it.

“What about this green bag? Why do you keep this?” 

Oh.  That bag.  I can’t believe you spotted that, you sneaky voice-in-my-head.   I hid that behind all of these boxes because it’s a reminder of a temporary lapse in my judgment during a trip to KL.   I bought one too many skinny jeans in KL - and they would not fit in the Samsonite - so I bought that ugh-ly bag so I can carry all of my wonderful skinny jeans (which by the way are now too big for me because I lost a lot of weight since I bought them).

“Why hide it?   You can give that bag away.”

Give it away?  Oh no - I can’t - for two reasons.   I don’t need someone to suffer from my poor choices.  It’s an ugly color of puke-green.   Who would want such a bag? What will they think of me when I give it to them?  I don’t want to be judged as the guy with a poor taste in bags.   I can’t accept receiving judgment from people who I will be charitable to.

“But your sister asked to have it because she noticed you have not used it since you bought it.  So clearly - she wants it.”

That’s my second reason.   I’ve been too generous this year.   I have given to charity.  I’ve donated money to our  High School alumni association for that animal laboratory.  A large part of my salary is spent on paying for the debt that I have taken for my niece’s treatment two years ago.  So - I refuse to give more dole-outs this year because to be honest - I’m tired of giving.

Then there was silence.  A long one.  An uncomfortable one - which I just had to break.

“What?  Say something!”

“You have too much baggage.”   The tone of the voice is a lot softer now.

“I don’t have too much.  I just have enough.”  I screamed.

The voice seem to have let out a sigh.

“I’m not referring to the bags, honey.”

 Silence again.  This time,  I didn’t break it.  I just sat there.  I agreed with the voice.  

I have too much baggage.

So I picked up my phone.  Started texting.

“Hey.  Do you remember that olive green bag that you asked to borrow during your last visit?   I can give it to you.  I know you need it and it seems like you wanted it.”

I have too much baggage - and I needed to start letting go of the shitty baggage.  They no longer serve me.