The Mañana Habit

Dear Thirty Year old Me,

In my previous e-mail,  I confessed that I am a Procrastinator.  I have proclaimed to the whole world that I have the mañana habit.  In this entry, I would like to explain to you my reasons for trying to kick the habit.

1. Mañana/Procrastination is an expensive Habit.

I used to be a smoker.  I'm happy to say that it's one bad habit that I successfully got out of my system since the year 2010.  It was an expensive Habit - a pack a day can lead to expenses of up to 1,200 pesos a month.

That is actually nothing to the expense that I incur from the Mañana habit.  Let's start with the late fees that I often pay for my bills.  I have actually paid so many late fees for my credit card, my electricity, mobile phone subscription, and internet fees.

Apart from the late fees - I also incur unnecessary expenses from not terminating services that I no longer use.  For example ( and this one I'm working on ) - I left my previous house in June 2013.  Up to now, I have not disconnected my phone and internet service.   So it's been 7 months that I've been paying for a phone and internet service that I am not using.

2.  Procrastination Leads to Unnecessary Stress That Poses Danger to my Health

I have expressed in my previous post that from the outside looking in - you may actually think that I do not have problems with Procrastination.  I am a successful guy.  Most of the bosses that I worked for love working with me and they love the result of my work.

Unbeknownst to my bosses - most of the time - I actually have to spend sleepless nights two to three days prior to my deadlines when I turn in my work.  This could be the annual budget for next year.  It could be the written appraisal for my team.   The output is typically superior ( although every time I wish and I knew that I could have done better.   Sleepless nights are not good for my health.  Those sleepless nights and the act of cramming also leads to me skipping my lunch and eating snacks that are not good for my health.

3.  Postponing decisions Causes Lost Opportunities

Back in the year 2000 - I was convinced by a very persuasive real estate agent to invest on a condominium unit in Makati.  It had easy monthly payment terms.  The problem is that after 2 years - I will have to pay for the unit.  You can actually get a loan for that if the monthly payments that I paid prior to that was equivalent to at least 20% of the total amount of the loan.  Unfortunately - the easy monthly payment terms were just 15% of the amount that I needed.  So I cannot get a loan from the bank.   I could have addressed this by saving up on my own --- but saving money is another problem that a procrastinator has.  Long story short - I defaulted on the investment - and I forfeited the money that I have already paid for the property.

The same thing happened to some insurance and retirement investment that I ended up defaulting because I let the monthly payments go past due.

4.  I am not Getting Any Younger

People say that age is just a number --- but it is a significant number.   At my current age - I will be at retirement age sooner that we all think.  If I don't get my financials and my life in order --- I may end up without money to spend when I do retire.

Moreover - the fountain of youth has not been discovered.  As one ages - our body could not handle the same amount of stress that we used to be able to handle when we were young.   My biological clock is going TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK - and it's telling me that I really don't have time to just waste the time that I have.

These are the four main reasons why I want to kick the habit.  I want to get things done timely.  I want to face the Procrastination monster and look into it's eyes and say - "I am going to defeat you."

With much Love,

The forty year old you

Why do I Procrastinate

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

When dealing with problems - it's good to look for the root cause.  In the case of my procrastination problem - I've tried so many times in the past to deal with it by telling myself that if I just gain the "discipline" to get things done on time,  I will solve this problem.  Since I'm writing this blog right now - you may actually have realized that this approach wasn't successful.   So I told myself - I need help in understanding the nature of the beast.   What is it about procrastination that makes it difficult for me to solve?

Like any civilized person in our day and age - who is trying to solve a problem - the first thing that I did was to google the following:  "How can I solve my Problems with Procrastination?".   There were many entries that appeared but what caught my eye is the book: "Procrastination, Why You Do It and What to Do About it Now".   The book was originally written and published in 1983 and was republished in 2008.  The concepts that the authors talked about in 1983 were still relevant ( if not more relevant ) in the year that we live in.   For someone like me - Procrastination has become much more of a problem - especially with the distractions that are presented by the Internet.

Reading the book,  there were so many times that I actually felt that I was part of the community of people that the authors (Jane Burka and Leonora Yuen) spoke to when they were conducting their study.  It was as if they were reading my mind during those moments that I procrastinate.  One good example is when they wrote about the Procrastinator's Code - which I am publishing in this entry. 

      I must be perfect.

      Everything I do should go easily and without effort.

      It's safer to do nothing than to take a risk and fail.

      I should have no limitations.

      If it's not done right,  it's not worth doing at all.

      I must avoid being challenged.

      If I succeed someone will get hurt.

      If I do well this time,  I must always do well.

      Following someone else's rule means I'm giving in and I'm not in control.

      I can't afford to let go of anything or anyone.

      If I show my real self, people won't like me.

      There is a right answer, and I'll wait until I find it.

(Lifted from the book: Procrastination, Why you Do It, and What to do About it Now )

As I read these statements,  I actually understood why I have a horrible time kicking the Manana Habit.  Growing up,  my family ( and in the Filipino context - that actually means extended family ), values perfection.   When I was in High School - my uncles will chide me for studying and being engrossed in school - when they know that I'm a smart kid - and I can get by with high grades even if I don't prepare for exams.  My family ( and as I got older - even myself ) - will look down at the students who gets good grades because they worked hard.   We ended up thinking that we are "Privileged" and we shouldn't be working too hard because we have God-given gifts.

This lead me to believe that if I don't have a natural talent for something - or my natural talent will not get the best product/result - I'd rather not do it.  Unfortunately - as one grows up you face situations where you need to get things done that is outside of your God-given gifts.  

I never admitted this before ---- but after I read the book --- I realized that I'm not very good in failing.   Looking back at my childhood - I can think of a key moment that may have scarred me for life.   When I was in 3rd and 4th grade - I finished first in class.  On my 5th year - someone else in my class was just better and worked harder - and I ended up 2nd in class.  My father saw that as a failure.   He refused to pin my 2nd place medal.   I was disappointed and deeply hurt.  I actually worked hard for that 2nd place finish - as I said - the one who got first place was just better.

From then on - I started to be afraid of exerting full effort in my academics.   I started to distract myself from it by going to extra-curricular activities.  I was part of the Glee club - and I enjoyed being "excused" from classes to practice for the Glee club.  Of course - if you're not in class - you have an excuse when you don't get 100 items right in your exam.   From there - my father thought that what's causing my inability to get good grades is the Glee club --- and it was no longer about my abilities.  Long story short - I ended up 2nd place - which surprisingly was ok with my father because in the end - I wasn't giving it my all.

As a grown up - these memories still haunt me.   It isn't a conscious thought - but I do know that I ended up delaying execution of tasks till the last minute - for activities that I am not sure I will be successful with.   I don't want to disappoint someone - so I end up delaying crucial conversations.   I am not sure - I will be good in golf - so I stopped taking golf lessons.   I will not approach someone I'm attracted to for fear of being rejected.

In the last couple of weeks - this realization has actually helped me a lot.  I still have important things that are undone.   The good news is that I've made progress in some of the to-dos that I was trying to forget I need to do.   I will attempt to write about the steps that I took to deal with the root cause of my procrastination problem.   Someone once said that a journey starts with a single step ( forward ) - and I took those steps.

With much Love,

The Forty Year old You

If you are dealing with the same problem that I have - I encourage you to ask yourself what goes through your mind when you want to put off an activity?   From there - it can definitely help you figure out the energy that is feeding the Procrastination beast.  If you find that energy and stop it from flowing - you will have a better chance of taking the necessary steps to once and for all stop the Procrastination monster from hounding you.

Thinking of Worst Case Scenario

Dear Timmy,

Since I started writing my letters to you,  I successfully addressed three things in my life that had been haunting me prior to the end of last year.   They were tasks that I have been putting off.   Two of them had something to do with work and one was a personal one.

One of the things that I was putting off - was contacting my former land lady for the refund of my security deposit.  After moving out from my previous house,  I kept on telling myself that I was going to call my land lady the week after but work became really busy and I wasn't able to contact my land lady immediately.  Last August - I thought of contacting her - but I had this irrational fear that I will not be able to get my refund and that I will get into an argument with the landlady.   There was no basis for my fear --- but I told myself that I was not ready for such a confrontation.

Months passed - and I told myself that I really didn't have anything to fear - and that I should really just call the landlady and get as much money as I could from my security deposit.  No need to argue with her on the final amount - just accept what she offers.  When I was already going to call her - I decided to hang up before it rings because I thought to myself - what if it's too late?  What if she will not give it to me - because I waited too long?

Last month - I got a text from her.  She asked why I have not contacted her for my security deposit refund?  She offered that if I prefer for her to just buy a Gucci bag with the money that she owes me - she'd be happy to do that.

I felt a great sense of relief when she contacted me.  Apparently - she was really puzzled that I waited for so long to get a significant amount of money.  

Looking back at this situation that I was in - I actually found that I tend to think of the worst scenario during these times that I procrastinate.   It starts with me being too lazy to act --- then as time passes by - it transforms to me thinking that I don't want to confront another person about being too lazy in the past.  I didn't want to be judged.

9 times out of 10 - I find that the worst case scenario that I tend to believe in my head - does not come true.  The fear that fuels my procrastination is really irrational.

If you are like me who encounter this in your life --- I suggest looking back at the times that you have actually procrastinated.   In those cases - when you finally acted on it --- did the worst case scenario that you imagined actually come true?   I'm sure that most of the time - it didn't.

For me --- I have used this knowledge - to deal with my problem in the past month.  When I think of the bad things that can come out of taking an action - I face the mirror - and I talk to myself.  I tell the person in the mirror --- that the reality is that what I fear - is not likely to happen.   I then listen to myself - and then I act.  Guess what!   I was right almost all of the time. The worst case scenario is just in my head. 

With much love,

The 40 year old you

Fighting The Signs of Aging

Dear Timmy,

I have been contemplating on this topic of aging.  It is often said that youth is wasted on the young.  I look back when I was young and I agree on this adage.  If I had the power to turn back time,  I will start a lot of habits that I am only starting now at the point in my life when some of the signs of aging are starting to be visible.  You know what I mean - the lines on my forehead that multiplies  every year.  The two strands of gray hair on my head which was not there before.  Speaking of hair - I've always had a great full head of hair but in the past two years - it has thinned and I wonder if the hot showers are to be blamed.

The funny thing is - strangers are usually surprised when I tell them that I am forty one years old. They tell me that I don't look forty one.  I ask them - what should forty one look like?  To this they respond - definitely not like you.  So - I look younger than my age - or younger than most people my age.  I thank these strangers for their kind words and feel good about myself for two minutes, look in the mirror and notice the two strands of gray hair and remind myself - that I should hold on to this youthful look for as long a I can.

You are familiar with the story of Dorian Grey.  He is a man who remained youthful for a long time - while his painting and/or photograph aged.  In the real world, someone who is able to keep his youthful looks is said to benefit from the Dorian Grey effect.  I am hoping that my friend Dorian keeps me company for a very long time.

So my friend,  today I will share with you three things that you should start taking care of right now - to help us retain our youthful look well into our 50s and hopefully even in our sixties.   Taking care of these three things will go a long way in ensuring that people will continue to be surprised when we reveal to them our chronological age.

1.  The Skin

Science has definitely come  a long way in artificially giving people youthful skin.  I have friends who started getting Botox injections as early as their mid-30s.   I'm happy to share with you that I have not gone that route.  I am not sure if I will in the future - but right now - our genes and our daily routines are helping us stay away from Botox.

To start with - we have natually oily skin.  This helps a lot because it keeps our skin from drying up.  Your friends actually tell you that you should moisturize --- and that may be true for parts of your body that dry up - like your hands,  your legs and the area around your eyes.   However - applying a moisturizer on your face will do you harm than good.  You will get pimple break outs from the moisturizers that your friends are using.  What I have realized works for me is this "miracle" cream that my dermatologist has prescribed for me.  I asked her what is in her concoction and she told me that it's got tretinoin, AHA and a whole lot of other secret ingredients.

The other items that are important for taking care of our skin is sunscreen.  Sun damage can really cause the lines on your face to develop fast.   Your face will also be lackluster when you have continuous sun exposure.  Thank God we don't like being outdoors.  However - even when we spend most of our time indoors - it is still important to wear sunscreen all the time.

2.  Hair

There are two important characteristics of hair that can lead to youthful look.  One is the absence of grey hair.  The other is how full your head of hair is.   For a very long time,  we are able to resist the onset of grey hair. I noticed that whenever we get into a stressful situation - for a long period of time, a strand of gray hair appears on our forehead.   So avoid stress - or I guess the better advice is to be able to manage stress.   In future letters,  I will tell you my secret in managing stress.  And no - avoiding the cause of stress is not the solution.  Let's just say that facing our problems and solving it and asking for help to solve it is the best way to reduce the effects of stress on our body and our hair.

The other problem that we are now encountering is thinning hair.  For the longest time,  Papa ( our father ) has advised us strongly against using hot water when we shower.  I disregarded that advice.  When we moved to Baguio - I continued to shower with hot water --- which would have been OK if it we were just using it for our body --- but to use it to wash our hair turned out to be a big mistake.   A year into our stay in Baguio - we noticed our hair continued to thin.   That's when we started to listen to Papa's advice.  It slowed down the hair fall but it continued.   Thank heavens our dermatologist also had a remedy for this.  Note that I will not mention the product name because I'm not a doctor.  It's best to consult with a physician for this problem.

I have also switched shampoo.  This brand I can mention.  I am now using Lauat.  I found it in the drugstore and it promised that it will help eliminate hair fall.  I have been using it for a month and I'm happy to say that I do feel that my hair is thicker ever since I started using it.

3.  Muscle

I know that you just started working out.  Good for you.  That will help a lot in developing your self confidence.  In fact --- beefing up in our early thirties helped us transition from the ugly duckling to the not so ugly duckling that we discover ourselves to be in our late thirties.  However - it is in our forties that we transformed into the beautiful swan that I am.   Have patience my dear - you will reach this state.

Anyways - going back to the topic of muscle.  We both know that we get attracted to men who have a good physique.  So it is just natural that if those muscular men are attractive - if we are to continue to look attractive and young - we need to keep our muscle well into our old age.   The only way to do this is through resistance training.  You like running - and there's no harm in that - but if you want to look great - you need to cut down on the long distance running and invest your time in weight lifting.

Recently - I have learned that all along in my thirties - I focused on the wrong thing when I was lifting weights.  My weight training session was all about the pump - that awesome look that I get when I look in front of the mirror.  The problem is - as the day progressed - the pump goes away.   The mistake lies in the fact that I didn't structure my workout to progressively get stronger.   Today - I'm following a program by a man called Anthony Mychall.  He has a blog and his weights workout encourages those who are following it to progressively try to get stronger.  For example - if you do three sets of bench presses this week with 40 lbs.for each set and 5 reps per set.  The week after,  he instructs you to do 45 lbs on the first set with 4 reps and continue with 40 lbs for the second and third set.

Big jumps in weights and reps are mesmerizing when you start lifting weights.  The key to keeping a good toned/muscular body is to lift weights that are heavy enough for you to develop those muscles.  Look for help in this aspect ( maybe a personal trainer or advice from the many online communities that are dedicated to helping people like you ).

So Mr. Timmy,  that's it.  Those are the holy trinity of youthful looks - take care of the three of them and you will go on for years and years of looking younger than your chronological age.

With much Love,

The Forty Year old you

The Practice of Mindfulness

Dear Timmy,

In a previous letter, I have revealed to you one of my problems.  I'm a chronic procrastinator.  I am actively trying to deal with this problem and I thought it would be good to share with you some of the remedies that I have stumbled upon that can help fix the problem.  Today,  I share with you the practice of mindfulness.  If you try to research what it is -- you find out that the concept of Mindfulness is something that is rooted in the teachings of Buddha and Enlightenment.  From the book: "Procrastination: Why you do it and What to Do About it Now" - one definition of Mindfulness that made a lot of sense in my mind is the following: 

Mindfulness refers to "paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non judgmentally."

In today's world, practicing mindfulness is especially difficult - given the many things that can get us distracted.  Growing up - I actually took pride over my supposed ability to study and watch TV at the same time.  As I became an adult,  I found myself thinking of that experience and I tell myself that if I can't get two things at the same time --- then I am not trying hard enough.  The problem of course is that when I try to do more than one thing at a time, I end up not doing any of them well.

The other problem that I encounter when I have to accomplish something is that I end up thinking about other things, while I do it.  So from the outside - it seems like I'm not multi-tasking.  But the truth is - for example - when I started to learn how to play golf,  in every stroke - I end up thinking of the tasks that I have not completed.  Or I daydream of the day that I would be good at golf.  When I do this - I end up not doing it well. 

Staying in the present - and practicing mindfulness requires focusing on the activity that you currently are doing.  If there are thoughts that come - you can let go of them and acknowledge them as just thoughts - don't dwell on it.   Instead - observe the input that your different senses feed your brain.  I tried practicing this - even for five minutes at a time - when I eat, while driving, while writing this blog.   The great thing about experiencing it even for five minutes - I realize that the food tastes better and I find that eating itself becomes enjoyable.  The same is true for driving and writing my blog.

One activity that this was especially helpful was when I picked up golf lessons.  I wrote earlier that my previous experience of trying to play golf is not that enjoyable because I could not concentrate on the task at hand and I end up not playing well.  While I was doing my lessons - I paid attention to everything.  I paid attention to how my hands grip the golf club.  I pay attention to my stance.  I pay attention to the instructions that my instructor was giving - then I execute.  There are moments I don't do it well - which is fine because I'm so tuned to the activity that I knew instinctively what adjustments I can make.  The great thing about this - apart from progressing well in my golf game is that I ended up enjoying it - unlike how I felt about it before.

Now,  I try to practice mindfulness in all the activities that I do.  I don't always succeed because I sometimes forget - but when I do remember I stay at the present moment.  I practice mindfulness while I'm eating - and I cherish the taste, the texture, and the aroma of the food.   I practice mindfulness while I write.  I don't watch TV while I blog - I just think of the things that I have to write - and the words just flow.  I practice mindfulness when I'm having conversations - and I end up understanding the people that I talk to - a lot better than when my mind is tentative.  And with this - I enjoy and maximize each experience.

It's really a neat trick to learn.  I encourage you to try it.  Be present in the moments that matter.  These days, one popular mantra is YOLO (You Only Live Once). Although I don't subscribe to the foolishness that is attached to the most popular manifestations of this mantra - I think that if you think of YOLO - it will be a shame to live this life without truly experiencing the beautiful moments that we encounter.

With much Love,

The Forty You.

Living with Our Parents

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

It's a Saturday morning.  I didn't have any Friday night plans - which is really good because I had a restful sleep.  I need that after the busy week that I just had.

Writing to you is an odd experience because I feel a lot of contradicting things inside as a write these letters.  Right now,  I tell myself, I ran out of ideas to write about.  As I type on my Macbook (yes - you became an Apple Fan boy), and the letters start to appear onscreen - a gazillion ideas just pop up in my mind and then I tell myself I don't know where to start.  In the past, when I feel these contradicting feelings, I just freeze and  stop what I'm doing and tell myself that it's not worth it. These days, I've learned how to fight it.  The confused feelings don't last long and when they are lifted from my mind, I get to focus and actually complete the task at hand.

I thought I would start today by reminding you that I'm your Forty year old self.  So I can see your future.  Quirky idea isn't it?  We are sci-fi fans so we know there's danger involved when the future person reveals details to their past persona.  That's just science fiction - so I will disregard it and still reveal this tiny bit of detail about my life now.  I am now living with Papa and Mama in the same house.  For almost 10 years, I lived on my own, but when I moved to Baguio for a job, I told Papa that I want him and Mama to move to Baguio with me.  If there's one thing that I learned from our brief stint in the US - I really can't live far away from my family.  I'm a drifter.  I don't like keeping in touch.  I don' like long phone calls.  I don't write e-mails.  And when I was in the US,  I realized that when I stop keeping in touch,  one day I wanted to talk to our folks and realize that I did not  know how to.  This time,  I didn't want to put myself and our parents in the same situation so I resolved to ask our folks to move with us.  They were very happy to do so - given that the destination will be good for them.   Papa, Mama and I all packed our bags - along with our two dogs then (the third one joined us when we were already in Baguio) - then we settled in the City of Pines.

Living together under one roof wasn't much of a challenge.  At this age, all of us already treat each other as adults.  You see, I find that in most dysfunctional parent and child relationships, the parents treat their sons and daughters as if the latter were children.  The children resent these interactions but they actually commit the same "crime" against their parents.  As the parents get older, and lose some of their faculties ( and we're lucky - Mama and Papa are strong physically and mentally ) - the children start treating their parents like the latter were children.   There's a lot of horror in those types of interactions and my advice to you - when you get to this time in your life.  Remind yourself - and your parents that you all are adults and treat each other as such.

I am sorry I don't have a list of three to five things that I want to share with you today.  I just thought that it was nice to just talk to you about our lives.   Wait - I lied - I don't have three pieces of advice but I have one.  When you start living with Mama and Papa - you will realize that you missed their home cooked meals.  This will lead you to gorge on every meal that your mom cooks for you.   May I remind you that you love every fattening and carb-full recipe that she can concoct.  Like many other things that you consume - please practice moderation.  Otherwise - you will end up a fatty with very high bad cholesterol levels in your blood.

I hope you're reading this on a weekend as I am writing it on a Saturday morning.  I don't have plans for today.  I just want to walk the dogs this morning.  Get some supplies for my week's salad and shakes downtown.  Then - maybe write more letters to you.

Before I end this - I was thinking it would be fun to give you a nickname.  I settled on Timmy (Thiry-Me contacted).  I'm being silly I know but it's a lot shorter than writing the full phrase - 30-year-old-me.

Anyways - Timmy - I love the ring of that - I will end this letter (like any conversations on the phone I don't know how to end letters).  I hope that you really have a great weekend.

With much love,

Forty Year Old You.

The Procrastinator

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

In this letter - I will give you a different name - because I'm going to reveal something about us/me that I've been trying to address but shamefully could not fully resolve.  Most of the time,  I take two steps forward and one step back.  The progress is very slow - and I thought it would be therapeutic to just openly admit it ( but still hide my true identity via a pseudonym ).

 Hi.  You can call me Joey.  I am a procrastinator.  

You will not be able to tell that I have a problem just by looking at me,  I seem to be a very successful guy,  I hold an important position in the company I work for.  I earn enough money to live a comfortable life and even help with my family's expenses (parents, siblings - I am not married and I don't have kids).  There are people who know me and can honestly say that they admire me.

The thing is,  I am not all that.  I have a deep seated problem that I am trying to overcome.  In the English language - you call it procrastination.  In our culture (being Filipino) - we call it the mañana habit.  Manana is the Spanish word for tomorrow.  Putting these English and Filipino concepts together,  we can then say that procrastination is the habit of putting off till tomorrow important activities that should be done today.  For most procrastinators like me,  tomorrow comes and we  will once again say "I will just do it tomorrow".

I am currently in the process of kicking the habit.  I woke up one day realizing that my life is a bit of a mess and all that I currently have: the good job, the respect of other people, the money that I use to support myself and my family - are in danger of just vanishing into thin air if I continue to procrastinate.

I know that I am not alone in trying to overcome the Mañana habit,  Millions of people are afflicted by this 'disease'.  You may be surprised that I use such a strong word,  If you are in my shoes you will understand why I call it a disease,  Procrastination is like cancer that eats up your insides every time you get into a situation when your procrastination causes stress in your life.  In fact,  it is not uncommon for me to whisper to myself "Kill me now," when I miss the many deadlines that I encounter in my life of procrastination,

I will continue to write in these letters this life of procrastination.  I am hoping that it will help me get the important things done once and for all.   I do hope that as you read this, you can help me by giving words of encouragement as I go through this difficult process.  If anything I say sounds familiar because you have gone through the same experience,  tell me about it.  Are you trying to overcome procrastination problems as well?  Let's try to help each other out.

Hi.  I'm Joey.  I am a Procrastinator.

With much love,

The 40 Year Old you.