Splash

Heart woke up early.  Heart was excited because today, he is all set for an adventure.  He is going to jump off a cliff into the crystal blue waters surrounding this beautiful island.  Heart woke up Mind and Body to get them all to join him in this adventure.

Mind was hoping that Heart will lose interest in this nonsense.  He thinks this is crazy.  He had always won all arguments with heart in the past.  But something changed recently, he doesn’t know how but Heart seemed to have found courage.  He thinks all that Light Writing has made Heart crazy.  

The friends finally reached the cliff.  Body was uncontrollably shaking.   He feels he is held hostage by Heart’s idea.  He refuses to move towards the edge of the cliff. 

Mind realized that Body has gone stiff and felt triumphant.  It seems like - Heart is not going to get his way this time.  He then heard Heart saying.

"Body my friend, I can feel your fear.  I know that you are fragile.  I know that you think - you have the most to lose in all of this but I ask of you to feel that behind that anxious feeling, there is a curious voice that is telling us, ‘This can be epic’.”   We can stop this now if you want but come and hold my hand – and feel my courage.  Use this courage to propel us to run towards the horizon and face our adventure.”

Mind - rolled his eyes.  That word … Courage … again.  It all now comes to this - he seems to have no choice but to hold hands with Heart and Body - and jump off the cliff.

And so the three friends jumped.

ONE

TWO

Mind felt ecstasy.  We are flying - he thought.

THREE

FOUR 

Body, fully relaxed felt that time has stopped while they were mid-air.

FIVE

A big splash - and they all felt the cold but tender embrace of the ocean as they sank deep into the waters.

SIX

SEVEN

The three started to float to the surface. 

Body started to breathe.   Mind is speechless.   He sees the world differently now.  Every ounce of anxiety is gone - and he is ecstatic over the knowledge that he gained.   He can jump off a cliff - and live to tell about it.

Heart - is triumphant.  As they jumped off this cliff,  Body, Mind, and him: Heart was one.

They gave each other high fives.

Heart said, "This is awesome - I'm now ready for our next adventure".

Mind nervously asked, "What adventure?".  

"Today - we jumped off the cliff - and we experienced oneness through it all.  I think we are ready."

Body stiffened.   He senses danger.

"Come on my friends,  after this,  what else can top this?   Let's all seek the greatest adventure in this world:  finding Love."

I love My Job ( Even on a Monday)

The office chime is blaring from the speakers signaling the end of today’s work day. It’s a Monday – and Ben thought that the end of the work day couldn’t have come sooner.

Ben packed his bags – and walked out of his office

“Good bye everyone, y’all have a good evening.” Ben said to the people who sit next to his office.

Ben got to his car – which like many times before – is being driven by his father. He gets teased a lot by his office mates for that. He's a forty year old Papa's boy.

Ben asked his father about his pain therapy – to which his father replied. “OK lang --- mukhang gumagana naman yung therapy” (It was ok – it seems to be working).

“That’s good.” Ben said.

“That’s good,” Ben repeated and like all other car rides before this, his thoughts were no longer inside the car.

“I love my job but …”

Yes – Ben loves his job but it does feel like there are days like this when he thinks, “I love my job but …” He loves his job – but he can’t seem to think that most days – it’s drudgery. He doesn’t like the days when his mailbox is full and with each e-mail screaming "answer me". Or those days when there are a gazillion invoices and expense reports to review.

“Ugh!"

Then he paused and said to himself, “But those e-mails are nothing compared to the blessing of being able to connect to the people I work with.”

This again is the truth – Ben loves his team. It’s the best part of his job.

“I love my team but …”

Again – that word – BUT. Today he spoke to George who set up a meeting with him because he needs to bounce off an idea with Ben. The meeting went too long - and by the end of it - both Ben and George were confused. Ben recalls saying to George when the latter was expressing his frustration, “I know what you are saying and I understand where you are coming from and if I were in your shoes – I will feel and think the same way.”

That’s a lie. He doesn’t know where George is coming from. Ben is a people pleaser and he has the gift of saying what seems to be the right thing to say to others. This is why people like him because he makes them feel better when they talk to him. Ben likes the thought that people like him and he thinks that if his team mates don’t like him – he is nothing.

“But I wish I can just tell them the truth ... when they need to hear it ... even if they can't handle the truth.”

He muses, "I wish I can tell someone to fuck off when he or she is being a pain in the ass"

The car stopped – which halted Ben’s contemplation about his job. Ben hears his three dogs barking. He is home. He got off the car and headed on to the door. He opened the door to be welcomed by his dogs who seem to have missed him so much. He smiled – this is the highlight of his day.

“I love my job and – I live a good life. I should just be thankful.”

As Ben thought about this – he knew that these were just affirmations – that most days they are true but today – it’s a Monday --- and today he wishes that all the words were true.

The Spirit Likes Quiet

Breathe.

I am your spirit and I ask you to breathe. Just breathe.

I can feel your sadness. I am not here to stop that sadness but I am here to get you through it. Just let the sadness flow through you. I know that this sadness makes you feel like you are falling through a bottomless pit. I can also feel that you are struggling as you fall. You reach out your hand through the darkness - hoping to hold on to something that will stop the fall.

As you fall through this bottomless pit of sadness,  I also feel other emotions; but the most dominant one that I can feel is your fear. There is fear that you are soon going to reach the bottom of this pit and you will hit the ground.  As much as you are suffering through this fall, you are afraid that when you hit the ground; you will suffer more and feel the pain of shattering into a million pieces.

I ask you now - as your spirit - to just breathe and stop struggling and stop reaching out for anything to hold on to as you fall into this pit.

I am going to share with you a couple of secrets.

You see - as you fall , I your spirit am here with you. As you get close to the bottom of the pit, when you see the end - when you can feel the ground about to hit you, you will not shatter into a million pieces because that's when I can save you. That's when I will catch you. I will be here to protect you and spread our wings so we can stop the fall.

But there's another secret  that I need you to hear and understand. I have an alternative to coming to the rescue at the last moment of this fall. The alternative is for you to just breathe. And as you breathe - just be quiet. Be quiet - because I - your spirit likes quiet. I am most powerful in silence. If at this time in your sadness, you stop struggling and stop thinking and let quiet to take over, I can do my best work a lot sooner and way before we hit the bottom of this pit.

So please breathe my beloved self. Be quiet so I your spirit can help us through this sadness and so that I can use our wings to lift us up from this sadness.

Breathe and sink into the silence, into the quiet, into the peace of your spirit.

It Isn't About You

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

We have a big ego.  We attach our success and failure to everything that we do and to the things that we have accomplished and failed in.

This has caused us to drive for more success but this has also caused us to avoid failure - which means risk isn't really something that we like facing head on.

Here's the thing - what if everything that we accomplish and everything that we failed in - really isn't about us?   What if we were not the central character in the stories of our lives?   What if our actions cause the stories to develop but if we succeeded or failed --- it doesn't really make us successful and it also doesn't make it a failure?

I have to pose this question because in the recent months,  I've come to realize that a lot of my heartaches in life is caused by my attachment to the story in my head that everything that happens in my life is something that I caused.  For some events - this may be a healthy mindset ---- being proud of losing ten pounds because of the discipline we exercised in avoiding sugar in our diet.   But largely - this mindset - is not helpful.   It can start from:   My dogs doing a proper sit when I use the command.   It's our dog's ability being displayed here - so we can't take the credit for it.   It can be as ridiculous as thinking that it didn't rain today when we are wearing white pants - because we asked the Universe for it.

This mindset is actually perpetuated by a lot of our friends and family praising us for things that if you think about it really isn't because of our skill.   For example - getting into a scholarship in the Ateneo was not because we were smart.   It really was because the University's Admission and Aid - looked through a checklist of qualifications for our application and noted that we meet the criteria - which included submitting an income document from Papa - which said he earned a really small income for the year we were applying for the scholarship.   Therefore - we fit the criteria for someone who should be considered for financial aid.

Why am I bringing this up?  How does a mindset of not attaching ourselves to the outcome become helpful in our lives?   You see - when we call ourselves successful or we call ourselves a failure based on the outcomes of our actions --- that label of successful or failure gives a lot of pressure on us to always want to be the successful person.   This actually has been part of the reason why we tend not to do awesome things we are not good at doing because we don't want to be the failure.   Here's the thing --- what if we just say that every result we get from an action that we take is just feedback - and that feedback will allow us to think of the next action to take?  That result does not define you.  It just provides you information so you can choose how to live your life after that result.

Note --- It took me more than a month to complete this because - the truth is - I was not ready to hear the advice that I'm writing.   I wanted this article to be awesome - so that I can feel awesome.   But hey - I decided - that instead of wanting this to be awesome --- maybe I just need to have it done --- regardless of the outcome.

With Much Love
The Forty Year Old You

Why do I Procrastinate

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

When dealing with problems - it's good to look for the root cause.  In the case of my procrastination problem - I've tried so many times in the past to deal with it by telling myself that if I just gain the "discipline" to get things done on time,  I will solve this problem.  Since I'm writing this blog right now - you may actually have realized that this approach wasn't successful.   So I told myself - I need help in understanding the nature of the beast.   What is it about procrastination that makes it difficult for me to solve?

Like any civilized person in our day and age - who is trying to solve a problem - the first thing that I did was to google the following:  "How can I solve my Problems with Procrastination?".   There were many entries that appeared but what caught my eye is the book: "Procrastination, Why You Do It and What to Do About it Now".   The book was originally written and published in 1983 and was republished in 2008.  The concepts that the authors talked about in 1983 were still relevant ( if not more relevant ) in the year that we live in.   For someone like me - Procrastination has become much more of a problem - especially with the distractions that are presented by the Internet.

Reading the book,  there were so many times that I actually felt that I was part of the community of people that the authors (Jane Burka and Leonora Yuen) spoke to when they were conducting their study.  It was as if they were reading my mind during those moments that I procrastinate.  One good example is when they wrote about the Procrastinator's Code - which I am publishing in this entry. 

      I must be perfect.

      Everything I do should go easily and without effort.

      It's safer to do nothing than to take a risk and fail.

      I should have no limitations.

      If it's not done right,  it's not worth doing at all.

      I must avoid being challenged.

      If I succeed someone will get hurt.

      If I do well this time,  I must always do well.

      Following someone else's rule means I'm giving in and I'm not in control.

      I can't afford to let go of anything or anyone.

      If I show my real self, people won't like me.

      There is a right answer, and I'll wait until I find it.

(Lifted from the book: Procrastination, Why you Do It, and What to do About it Now )

As I read these statements,  I actually understood why I have a horrible time kicking the Manana Habit.  Growing up,  my family ( and in the Filipino context - that actually means extended family ), values perfection.   When I was in High School - my uncles will chide me for studying and being engrossed in school - when they know that I'm a smart kid - and I can get by with high grades even if I don't prepare for exams.  My family ( and as I got older - even myself ) - will look down at the students who gets good grades because they worked hard.   We ended up thinking that we are "Privileged" and we shouldn't be working too hard because we have God-given gifts.

This lead me to believe that if I don't have a natural talent for something - or my natural talent will not get the best product/result - I'd rather not do it.  Unfortunately - as one grows up you face situations where you need to get things done that is outside of your God-given gifts.  

I never admitted this before ---- but after I read the book --- I realized that I'm not very good in failing.   Looking back at my childhood - I can think of a key moment that may have scarred me for life.   When I was in 3rd and 4th grade - I finished first in class.  On my 5th year - someone else in my class was just better and worked harder - and I ended up 2nd in class.  My father saw that as a failure.   He refused to pin my 2nd place medal.   I was disappointed and deeply hurt.  I actually worked hard for that 2nd place finish - as I said - the one who got first place was just better.

From then on - I started to be afraid of exerting full effort in my academics.   I started to distract myself from it by going to extra-curricular activities.  I was part of the Glee club - and I enjoyed being "excused" from classes to practice for the Glee club.  Of course - if you're not in class - you have an excuse when you don't get 100 items right in your exam.   From there - my father thought that what's causing my inability to get good grades is the Glee club --- and it was no longer about my abilities.  Long story short - I ended up 2nd place - which surprisingly was ok with my father because in the end - I wasn't giving it my all.

As a grown up - these memories still haunt me.   It isn't a conscious thought - but I do know that I ended up delaying execution of tasks till the last minute - for activities that I am not sure I will be successful with.   I don't want to disappoint someone - so I end up delaying crucial conversations.   I am not sure - I will be good in golf - so I stopped taking golf lessons.   I will not approach someone I'm attracted to for fear of being rejected.

In the last couple of weeks - this realization has actually helped me a lot.  I still have important things that are undone.   The good news is that I've made progress in some of the to-dos that I was trying to forget I need to do.   I will attempt to write about the steps that I took to deal with the root cause of my procrastination problem.   Someone once said that a journey starts with a single step ( forward ) - and I took those steps.

With much Love,

The Forty Year old You

If you are dealing with the same problem that I have - I encourage you to ask yourself what goes through your mind when you want to put off an activity?   From there - it can definitely help you figure out the energy that is feeding the Procrastination beast.  If you find that energy and stop it from flowing - you will have a better chance of taking the necessary steps to once and for all stop the Procrastination monster from hounding you.

Thinking of Worst Case Scenario

Dear Timmy,

Since I started writing my letters to you,  I successfully addressed three things in my life that had been haunting me prior to the end of last year.   They were tasks that I have been putting off.   Two of them had something to do with work and one was a personal one.

One of the things that I was putting off - was contacting my former land lady for the refund of my security deposit.  After moving out from my previous house,  I kept on telling myself that I was going to call my land lady the week after but work became really busy and I wasn't able to contact my land lady immediately.  Last August - I thought of contacting her - but I had this irrational fear that I will not be able to get my refund and that I will get into an argument with the landlady.   There was no basis for my fear --- but I told myself that I was not ready for such a confrontation.

Months passed - and I told myself that I really didn't have anything to fear - and that I should really just call the landlady and get as much money as I could from my security deposit.  No need to argue with her on the final amount - just accept what she offers.  When I was already going to call her - I decided to hang up before it rings because I thought to myself - what if it's too late?  What if she will not give it to me - because I waited too long?

Last month - I got a text from her.  She asked why I have not contacted her for my security deposit refund?  She offered that if I prefer for her to just buy a Gucci bag with the money that she owes me - she'd be happy to do that.

I felt a great sense of relief when she contacted me.  Apparently - she was really puzzled that I waited for so long to get a significant amount of money.  

Looking back at this situation that I was in - I actually found that I tend to think of the worst scenario during these times that I procrastinate.   It starts with me being too lazy to act --- then as time passes by - it transforms to me thinking that I don't want to confront another person about being too lazy in the past.  I didn't want to be judged.

9 times out of 10 - I find that the worst case scenario that I tend to believe in my head - does not come true.  The fear that fuels my procrastination is really irrational.

If you are like me who encounter this in your life --- I suggest looking back at the times that you have actually procrastinated.   In those cases - when you finally acted on it --- did the worst case scenario that you imagined actually come true?   I'm sure that most of the time - it didn't.

For me --- I have used this knowledge - to deal with my problem in the past month.  When I think of the bad things that can come out of taking an action - I face the mirror - and I talk to myself.  I tell the person in the mirror --- that the reality is that what I fear - is not likely to happen.   I then listen to myself - and then I act.  Guess what!   I was right almost all of the time. The worst case scenario is just in my head. 

With much love,

The 40 year old you

The Procrastinator

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

In this letter - I will give you a different name - because I'm going to reveal something about us/me that I've been trying to address but shamefully could not fully resolve.  Most of the time,  I take two steps forward and one step back.  The progress is very slow - and I thought it would be therapeutic to just openly admit it ( but still hide my true identity via a pseudonym ).

 Hi.  You can call me Joey.  I am a procrastinator.  

You will not be able to tell that I have a problem just by looking at me,  I seem to be a very successful guy,  I hold an important position in the company I work for.  I earn enough money to live a comfortable life and even help with my family's expenses (parents, siblings - I am not married and I don't have kids).  There are people who know me and can honestly say that they admire me.

The thing is,  I am not all that.  I have a deep seated problem that I am trying to overcome.  In the English language - you call it procrastination.  In our culture (being Filipino) - we call it the mañana habit.  Manana is the Spanish word for tomorrow.  Putting these English and Filipino concepts together,  we can then say that procrastination is the habit of putting off till tomorrow important activities that should be done today.  For most procrastinators like me,  tomorrow comes and we  will once again say "I will just do it tomorrow".

I am currently in the process of kicking the habit.  I woke up one day realizing that my life is a bit of a mess and all that I currently have: the good job, the respect of other people, the money that I use to support myself and my family - are in danger of just vanishing into thin air if I continue to procrastinate.

I know that I am not alone in trying to overcome the Mañana habit,  Millions of people are afflicted by this 'disease'.  You may be surprised that I use such a strong word,  If you are in my shoes you will understand why I call it a disease,  Procrastination is like cancer that eats up your insides every time you get into a situation when your procrastination causes stress in your life.  In fact,  it is not uncommon for me to whisper to myself "Kill me now," when I miss the many deadlines that I encounter in my life of procrastination,

I will continue to write in these letters this life of procrastination.  I am hoping that it will help me get the important things done once and for all.   I do hope that as you read this, you can help me by giving words of encouragement as I go through this difficult process.  If anything I say sounds familiar because you have gone through the same experience,  tell me about it.  Are you trying to overcome procrastination problems as well?  Let's try to help each other out.

Hi.  I'm Joey.  I am a Procrastinator.

With much love,

The 40 Year Old you.

How I Quit Smoking

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

Smoking was the habit that I had a hard time quitting.  I'm happy to report that in the end - I actually quit it.  I have not smoked for five years now.  To be honest - I've quit and picked up the habit for three times already in my lifetime.  I'm pretty sure - that this time it will stick.  Why?  I have actually reached that part of my life where the supposed benefit of smoking is already irrelevant.

I know you will scour the internet searching for nuggets of wisdom in your own quest for kicking the habit.  Different quitters have different techniques.  I'm sharing the techniques that worked for me:

1.  State the Reason for Quitting

When I started to think about quitting --- I listed down the many reasons why I would like to quit.  I was concerned about my health - so that's part of the list.  I remember being able to run for miles or play badminton without losing my breath when I wasn't smoking.  When I picked up the habit - doing any athletic activity is a struggle.   I also thought about my dogs - whose health and well being are very important to me.  They live a fraction of our lifetime.  Thinking of how they will suffer through second hand smoke in their lifetime was a pretty compelling argument to kick the habit.

Those were important reasons - but for me the most immediate reason why I wanted to quit is the smoker's hack that goes with smoking.  Every morning when I wake up and go to the shower --- I had phlegm in my throat that I had to expel  It's yucky, disgusting and INCONVENIENT.   For me - Convenience is actually something that I value - so if I had to get up in the morning going through this hacking - then I'd rather quit smoking.

2.  Just Quit - Cold Turkey

The three times that I actually quit smoking ( or stopped smoking long term ) - I just quit - cold turkey.  This last time wasn't different.   I started with day 1 - not picking up a stick of cigarette.  That 1 day turned into 2 days.  Then it became three - then a week - then a month - then a year.

The times that I actually tried to quit by cutting down wasn't that successful.  I used to smoke a pack and a half a day.  I said - I'll try to cut down gradually.   What I found is that after going down to a pack --- I will lose count and before I know it - I will be back to a pack and a half a day.

When I quit cold turkey --- the craving can be really strong.  But you know what?  The craving actually just stays for under a minute.  A good way to deal with this craving - is the next item that I will be talking about.

3.  When you Feel the Craving - Just Breathe

Cravings are very difficult to deal with.  You feel antsy.  You're mouth waters ( similar to my experience of seeing a New York Cheesecake in the pastry stand at Starbucks ).  What helps in dealing with the cravings is breathing - and focusing on one's breathing.   Breath in - count 1 - breath out - count 2.  Repeat that - until you feel that the craving is all gone.   For me it lasts from 10 seconds to sometimes a full two minutes before the craving goes away.

4.  Stay Away from people or situations that lead you to pick up the stick

My best friend smokes as heavily as I did.  She lived in the same house that I did.  We also worked for the same company.  So this advice was not easy to follow even for me.  So what I had to do to stay away is to make sure that I'm not in the same room during the first couple of weeks of my quitting routine whenever she smokes.   I also stopped hanging out with her during her smoking break.  She also understood that I was trying to quit - so she stopped asking me to go with her during those breaks.

Smoking - is a social habit for me.  I got a lot of good friends from hanging out with other people who smoke.  So being able to stay away from them - also removes the positive reinforcement that I get from smoking.  I realized - I can still hang out with them - even without joining them for their smoking break.

5.  Pick up a Healthy Habit that replaces Smoking

Since I quit smoking -- I found that I can actually breathe a lot better.  I also noticed that I can do physical activities with ease.   So I started to pick up my exercise routine.  Instead of doing it for just once a week,  I noticed that I can actually do it regularly ( at least every other day ).

These are the techniques that worked for me.  As I said - some people may not actually do the same things that I did to kick the habit.   Note that it's not easy - but once you get beyond a day of not smoking --- it would be good to think "I've made it through one day --- what's another day of being without a cigarette?".   You can repeat that to yourself everyday and soon enough you will find that you don't even have to think about smoking at all.

With Much Love,

The 40 Year Old You