I Seek

Hands hold Stick

Blindfold on eyes

A Game to Seek

The paper beast

Stuffed White, Blue, Pink

With hidden treats

A voice speaks:

"Be smart, turn to your right." 

Am I smart? To the right, I turn. 

"Hit it."

Swing the stick with all my might. 

Swoosh! No hit.

An idiot,

Am I?

A voice speaks:

"Turn Left, my Love"

Am I loved?  I go to the left. 

"Hit it."

Swing the stick with all my might. 

Swoosh! No hit.

Unloved, 

Am I?

A voice speaks:

"Turn around, pretty one"

Another one speaks:

"Forward, my dear."

Am I Pretty?

Am I dear?

More voices speak

I follow Each

To be pretty,

To be loved

To be right

But each voice

Leads to Defeat

My arms are weak. 

I ask "What do I seek?" 

My heart speaks.

"Freedom, you seek,

Let go of stick. 

Let your eyes see

See what you seek."

I drop the stick,

I let my eyes see.

The voices that jeer

They're not here.

Mere Phantoms

That lead to defeat. 

Heart's voice is real.

It knows what I seek.

I seek to see

I seek to be free

Love is Enough

Midori, my Beagle, is staring at me with her beautiful almond shaped brown eyes. I love how she looks with her white face. I think that the white face gives her a very dignified look. My cute little dignified baby Beagle.

Her intent gaze is one of her tricks. She can bark to ask for the piece of chicken that I’m about to put in my mouth but she knows that the gaze is enough for me to give her this treat. So I tossed it over to her which she caught. She’s great at catching food. She never misses.

“Thank you,” she said.

“You’re welcome” I replied. I looked around and made sure nobody sees me speak to my dog.

“What’s up with you today?” she said. “You look glum.”

“I had a bad day at work,” I said with a sigh, “I didn’t prepare well for a presentation and it tanked. Now I feel like shit because I knew I should have prepared better for that presentation!”

Midori jumped onto the couch and walked over to me, put her paw on my shoulder and started licking my face.

“I love you.” She said.

“I love you too.”

Now it’s my turn to stare at her.

She stepped away, sat and started to ask. “What?” tilting her head to the side.

“Midori,” I said “What do you think of me … as a father - I mean?”

“Oh daddy,” she said rolling her eyes. “You know I can’t answer that question. We dogs don’t think. We can only feel.”

“I never put any thought on how you are as my daddy,” she paused and then started again, “Let me answer that question differently. I can't think of how you are as my Daddy but I can tell you how I feel about you. And I always feel the same. When you’re around … when you’re not around … when I eat … when I pee … when we take our walk … I just always feel love for you.”

I got emotional and started crying. I asked, “How Midori? How can you just feel love for me and nothing else?”

She licked my face again and whispered, “How can I not? Our creator made all of us with the power of love and therefore all creatures of this earth is filled with love.”

“And daddy, let me tell you a secret, even you are filled with love. Everything else that you see and feel that is not love is just an illusion.”

“Here is proof: Come and hug me and just feel what happens."

I hugged her. I hugged Midori and closed my eyes. I can feel her heartbeat and I can also feel our love for each other. We both just sat there as I hugged her tenderly. At that moment, I thought and felt, this moment is enough. I am enough. Love is enough. Love is all there is.

It Isn't About You

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

We have a big ego.  We attach our success and failure to everything that we do and to the things that we have accomplished and failed in.

This has caused us to drive for more success but this has also caused us to avoid failure - which means risk isn't really something that we like facing head on.

Here's the thing - what if everything that we accomplish and everything that we failed in - really isn't about us?   What if we were not the central character in the stories of our lives?   What if our actions cause the stories to develop but if we succeeded or failed --- it doesn't really make us successful and it also doesn't make it a failure?

I have to pose this question because in the recent months,  I've come to realize that a lot of my heartaches in life is caused by my attachment to the story in my head that everything that happens in my life is something that I caused.  For some events - this may be a healthy mindset ---- being proud of losing ten pounds because of the discipline we exercised in avoiding sugar in our diet.   But largely - this mindset - is not helpful.   It can start from:   My dogs doing a proper sit when I use the command.   It's our dog's ability being displayed here - so we can't take the credit for it.   It can be as ridiculous as thinking that it didn't rain today when we are wearing white pants - because we asked the Universe for it.

This mindset is actually perpetuated by a lot of our friends and family praising us for things that if you think about it really isn't because of our skill.   For example - getting into a scholarship in the Ateneo was not because we were smart.   It really was because the University's Admission and Aid - looked through a checklist of qualifications for our application and noted that we meet the criteria - which included submitting an income document from Papa - which said he earned a really small income for the year we were applying for the scholarship.   Therefore - we fit the criteria for someone who should be considered for financial aid.

Why am I bringing this up?  How does a mindset of not attaching ourselves to the outcome become helpful in our lives?   You see - when we call ourselves successful or we call ourselves a failure based on the outcomes of our actions --- that label of successful or failure gives a lot of pressure on us to always want to be the successful person.   This actually has been part of the reason why we tend not to do awesome things we are not good at doing because we don't want to be the failure.   Here's the thing --- what if we just say that every result we get from an action that we take is just feedback - and that feedback will allow us to think of the next action to take?  That result does not define you.  It just provides you information so you can choose how to live your life after that result.

Note --- It took me more than a month to complete this because - the truth is - I was not ready to hear the advice that I'm writing.   I wanted this article to be awesome - so that I can feel awesome.   But hey - I decided - that instead of wanting this to be awesome --- maybe I just need to have it done --- regardless of the outcome.

With Much Love
The Forty Year Old You

Thinking of Worst Case Scenario

Dear Timmy,

Since I started writing my letters to you,  I successfully addressed three things in my life that had been haunting me prior to the end of last year.   They were tasks that I have been putting off.   Two of them had something to do with work and one was a personal one.

One of the things that I was putting off - was contacting my former land lady for the refund of my security deposit.  After moving out from my previous house,  I kept on telling myself that I was going to call my land lady the week after but work became really busy and I wasn't able to contact my land lady immediately.  Last August - I thought of contacting her - but I had this irrational fear that I will not be able to get my refund and that I will get into an argument with the landlady.   There was no basis for my fear --- but I told myself that I was not ready for such a confrontation.

Months passed - and I told myself that I really didn't have anything to fear - and that I should really just call the landlady and get as much money as I could from my security deposit.  No need to argue with her on the final amount - just accept what she offers.  When I was already going to call her - I decided to hang up before it rings because I thought to myself - what if it's too late?  What if she will not give it to me - because I waited too long?

Last month - I got a text from her.  She asked why I have not contacted her for my security deposit refund?  She offered that if I prefer for her to just buy a Gucci bag with the money that she owes me - she'd be happy to do that.

I felt a great sense of relief when she contacted me.  Apparently - she was really puzzled that I waited for so long to get a significant amount of money.  

Looking back at this situation that I was in - I actually found that I tend to think of the worst scenario during these times that I procrastinate.   It starts with me being too lazy to act --- then as time passes by - it transforms to me thinking that I don't want to confront another person about being too lazy in the past.  I didn't want to be judged.

9 times out of 10 - I find that the worst case scenario that I tend to believe in my head - does not come true.  The fear that fuels my procrastination is really irrational.

If you are like me who encounter this in your life --- I suggest looking back at the times that you have actually procrastinated.   In those cases - when you finally acted on it --- did the worst case scenario that you imagined actually come true?   I'm sure that most of the time - it didn't.

For me --- I have used this knowledge - to deal with my problem in the past month.  When I think of the bad things that can come out of taking an action - I face the mirror - and I talk to myself.  I tell the person in the mirror --- that the reality is that what I fear - is not likely to happen.   I then listen to myself - and then I act.  Guess what!   I was right almost all of the time. The worst case scenario is just in my head. 

With much love,

The 40 year old you