Fall in Love More Often

Dear Thirty Year Old Me

You don't fall in love often.  You actually fall in love only when you decide that it's time to fall in love.  The problem of course that you encounter with that premise is that - because you are opent ot falling in love at that time - the poor soul that you direct that affection towards becomes the receipient of this longing energy.

Here's the thing - you are actually a very attractive man.  DOn't let all the rejections you have previously received fool you.   YOu are attractive - but everytime you fall in love - you become unattractive in the eyes of the person you fall in love with.

The unattractiveness is not physical.  It actually has something to do with the energy that you bring foth which makes you not whole.

YOu are not whole because you tend to communicate that you are unwhole unless you actually get the affection of the person of your affection.

SO - this is my advice to you.  The next time you fall in love.  Cherish the feeling.  But make sure that you understand that you don't need the object of your affection to return that feeling for you to cherish the beauty that you experiene from that feeling.

You are definitely more than the desire for that feeling to be returned towards you.

THe other advice I have for you - is that you must fall in love more often.  That's the only way you can practice the appropriate skills that should come your way when you fall in love.  The skill of expressing your affection.  The skill of reining in the feeling.  The skill of dealing with the rejection.

fall in love often - and one day - the object of your affection will return that affection your way.

With most love

The forty year old you

Talk to Strangers

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

“This week I discovered a terrible disease called loneliness”

“You see, when children are young, they’re told not to talk strangers.  When they go to school, they’re told not to talk to the person next to them.  Finally when they’re old, they’re told not to talk to themselves, who’s left?”

Mork of Mork and Mindy

I think you’re too young to recognize where this quote came from.  I only know about it because some people in my Facebook feed (a Social Networking site that will get really big) have posted it as one of the quotes from Mork and Mindy.  The actor who played Mork has just died.  That actor is Robin Williams and as you know he played the roles of many unforgettable characters. He touched so many of our lives in those roles. Thing is – as much as millions of people are mourning his death, I think that his death emphasizes a sad truth – all of us die alone.  Hopefully though – if you are alone in your death – you live a full life surrounded by people you love, people you adore, and people you care for.

The difficult thing about writing this to you is that people who don’t really know you will think that this is like preaching to the choir. You look like someone who can just strike up a conversation with anyone. That is true. If a stranger starts talking to you, you don’t find it hard to converse with them – even engage them in a dialogue. People are comfortable with you – they like being around you. You, after all, are a charming man. However, your charms had been coupled with an extreme shyness that you sometimes disguise as snootiness.  If you want to improve your life in the next ten years, I must ask you to overcome that shyness and start talking to strangers.

I know what goes through your head.  It goes something like this. “That guy is cute.  I want to talk to him.  But what if he rejects me?”   That’s a scenario when you are in a bar.  Another event will sound something like this. “Oh – that’s Mr. Bigshot.  I need to talk to him to pitch my idea.  But he doesn’t know me.  What will I say?”   So your big idea doesn’t come into fruition.

Here’s the thing, many of the things that you will not be doing in your thirties has something to do with your fear of rejection when you have opportunities to approach a guy that you find attractive or approaching a possible business contact that can further help you in your career.  As I said – you are a charismatic guy and most of the time – you draw these people in.  However – you only draw those people who are drawn to you.  How about those people that you yourself are drawn too?  Will you be willing to sacrifice the opportunity to level up and meet those people?

Here’s the trick that I will share with you.  The ability to talk to the people you’re drawn to will only be developed if you get used to striking up a conversation with anyone.  Like any skill, this only comes up with practice.  You must practice striking a conversation with the everyday man.  Be genuinely interested with the strangers that you meet and start talking about a good thing that you notice about them.  People like hearing compliments, and everyone, even the ugliest or smelliest, or the nastiest looking person, will have something nice that you can bring up to them.  Maybe it’s their shirt.  Or maybe it’s their smile.  Or maybe it’s their well-groomed eyebrows.  Anything – give them a compliment and you will be able to strike up that conversation.

Do this every day.  Make it a habit.  Don’t think that you will only approach people you need something from.  Whenever you do that – you will notice that you’ll get tongue-tied.  You run out of things to say.  This anxiety of talking to people you need something from or from people you are attracted comes from you thinking of the high stakes involved.  In your mind, you are trying to make sure that you don’t get rejected and in the process of avoiding rejection, you lose your cool and you do get rejected. 

Now, think of the alternative mindset: you are talking to a stranger who is no different from the stranger that you spoke with yesterday.  In your mind, you think, “This is easy, I don’t need anything from this stranger.  I am giving him compliments because that’s what I do. I notice something nice about him similar to me noticing the lovely dress that the woman in the grocery store is wearing.”  

When you do this all the time – your charisma will be doubled.  You will really be deadly and may even be able to give Mr. Bond a run for his money for being suave and charismatic.

Talk to strangers.  Don’t be afraid of people.  The more people you interact with, the better you understand humanity.  The better you understand humanity, the better you understand yourself and that is golden.  When you understand yourself, everything that you can do you will do.

With  much love,

The 40-something Year old you

(Blogger's Note - this is 5th and last advice for the 30 year old me and was written as part of a really long letter found here.)

Dear 30 Year Old Me

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

I am writing this letter because I’m trying to think of writing something useful as a 40-something year old man for 40-something year old people but realized that it is actually very presumptive of me to think that I can write advice on how to live this fifth decade of my life when I’m just starting to live it.  Then it hit me that I've finished living through my 30s and learned a lot of things in those 10 years.   Of course, my 30 year old self will not benefit from it (unless time travel suddenly becomes a reality) – but it doesn't matter – I decided that I will still write this letter to you.  First I want to let you know that we turned out alright.  You didn't die of any debilitating disease.   You’re actually very happy and content.   Your confidence in your capabilities has continued to grow.   And one last thing; in your forties, you've never looked better than you did all your life.  But hey – you didn't get to this state without hard work, patience, good vibes, help, friends, family and faith.

I’m going to try to read your mind but I guess I don’t really need to because I am you and you are me.  I bet you want to ask me right now “Knowing what you know now – what should I have done or not done to make it better for me when I’m forty?”   Well, if I tell you about the things that I think I should have done or not done in my 30s; this exercise may turn out into an exercise on regret.   I will answer your question but not out of regret because if there’s one thing that I know now regret is a futile act.  You cannot turn back time and thinking of the wouldda-shouldda-couldda does not result in changing one’s life.  I will try to answer your question not in the spirit of regret but in the spirit of taking inventory of the lessons in life that I am grateful for.   

There are so many lessons but I would like to write about the five lessons that you must learn now.   The other lessons, my young Jedi self, you will learn in the future.  I am hoping that this strong inspiration that I feel right now will revisit me in the not so distant future and I end up sharing a lot more lessons than the five that I share now.

Let us start.  Read on my young self.

     1.  Come Out of the Closet

What!?!?  You’re still in the closet?  Honey , tsk, tsk, tsk (smh), you have wasted your 20s by not coming out.  As they say – youth is wasted on the young.  I know that you know you like men.  I know that you can relate to Will Truman’s character.  I know that you can’t relate to Joey De Leon’s depiction of a gay character (and frankly you will look hideous in drag) but nonetheless you are gay. You like men and you must embrace this wonderful gayness that you are.  (Read More. Follow this link)

2.  Stop Eating Processed Food

Look back at your life and think of when you were the fattest.   I’ll give you a hint – you lived in Houston.  You were supposed to be eating healthy and people admired you for supposedly eating healthy.   Yup – you got it!  You were fattest (and least healthy) – when you were vegetarian.  But the truth of the matter is as a vegetarian,  you were not really eating a lot of vegetables.  Remember when you said you can eat as many cookies as you want because there's no meat in those cookies?  You were less a vegetarian but more like a Processed Food addict.  Processed food makes you fat even if there's no animal product in that food. (Read More. Follow this link)

3.  Start Investing Now

“Money. Money. Money.  Lots of Money.  It’s a rich man’s world”

Abba

So much has been written about money and I think that as I write this letter – I will come up with more popular (and some might even be unpopular) notions about money.  If I recall correctly (and being 40-something does clog up my memories so I don’t always recall correctly) – at the age of 30 – you have made peace with money.  This is difficult for you to do because you grew up being educated by priests and nuns who made you think money is dirty. You also grew up not having a lot of money so your relationship with money in the past is as complicated as that mathematical equations you were solving in Calculus.  However, with all these complications,  you also realized that with the good money you earn, you are able to help out – not just yourself but your family.  You have made peace at the thought of appreciating the abundance that has followed you ever since you started earning money.  So I’d say, good for you and your healthy relationship with money.  You're earning good money.  Now - stop spending all of them and start saving and investing for the future.  (Read More.  Follow this link.)

4.  Listen to Your Dermatologist

You are vain.   You like looking at the mirror and wondering why you have not been coupled by now.  You like the compliments that you get from boys and girls – compliments that surprise you – but also makes you feel affirmed that other people actually think you are as beautiful as you think you are. However, every time you look at your face you see the pock marks left by very bad acne infestation when you were a teenager.  People told you to consult with a dermatologist to deal with the pimples, and blackheads, and whiteheads.  No use moping in one corner for not listening to that great advice however, you must listen to this advice now.  You must consult with a dermatologist now and listen to her so you can take better care of your skin to ensure that you continue to look youthful in your 40s and beyond.  (Read More. Follow this link.)

5.  Talk to Strangers

“This week I discovered a terrible disease called loneliness”

“You see, when children are young, they’re told not to talk to strangers.  When they go to school, they’re told not to talk to the person next to them.  Finally when they’re old, they’re told not to talk to themselves, who’s left?”

Mork of Mork and Mindy

I think you’re too young to recognize where this quote came from.  I only know about it because some people in my Facebook feed (a Social Networking site that will get really big) have posted it as one of the quotes from Mork and Mindy.  The actor who played Mork has just died.  That actor is Robin Williams and as you know he played the roles of many unforgettable characters. He touched so many of our lives in those roles. Thing is – as much as millions of people are mourning his death, I think that his death emphasizes a sad truth for all of us mortals – all of us die alone.  Hopefully though – even if you are alone in your death – you live a full life surrounded by people you love, people you adore, and people you care for.  In your 40s you are not alone but you like settling in with the people you are comfortable with. That's a shame because there are so many people out there to meet who could be your friends, or business partners or maybe even your life partner but right now they are strangers to you.  So one skill you need to start developing is how to talk to strangers.  Talk to these strangers because they will open possibilities for you.  (Read more.  Follow this link.)

That’s it – those are the key lessons you should learn right now.   Start with these five lessons and focus on them.  They are not easy lessons to act upon.  Some of them you might think are trivial.  Some of them might seem insane. You must however understand that I, your forty year old self, have the benefit of hindsight.  Hindsight is always 20-20.  So hopefully you will listen to me.

I wish the best of luck to you young lad.

Best Regards – and with much love,

The Forty Year Old You