Talk to Strangers

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

“This week I discovered a terrible disease called loneliness”

“You see, when children are young, they’re told not to talk strangers.  When they go to school, they’re told not to talk to the person next to them.  Finally when they’re old, they’re told not to talk to themselves, who’s left?”

Mork of Mork and Mindy

I think you’re too young to recognize where this quote came from.  I only know about it because some people in my Facebook feed (a Social Networking site that will get really big) have posted it as one of the quotes from Mork and Mindy.  The actor who played Mork has just died.  That actor is Robin Williams and as you know he played the roles of many unforgettable characters. He touched so many of our lives in those roles. Thing is – as much as millions of people are mourning his death, I think that his death emphasizes a sad truth – all of us die alone.  Hopefully though – if you are alone in your death – you live a full life surrounded by people you love, people you adore, and people you care for.

The difficult thing about writing this to you is that people who don’t really know you will think that this is like preaching to the choir. You look like someone who can just strike up a conversation with anyone. That is true. If a stranger starts talking to you, you don’t find it hard to converse with them – even engage them in a dialogue. People are comfortable with you – they like being around you. You, after all, are a charming man. However, your charms had been coupled with an extreme shyness that you sometimes disguise as snootiness.  If you want to improve your life in the next ten years, I must ask you to overcome that shyness and start talking to strangers.

I know what goes through your head.  It goes something like this. “That guy is cute.  I want to talk to him.  But what if he rejects me?”   That’s a scenario when you are in a bar.  Another event will sound something like this. “Oh – that’s Mr. Bigshot.  I need to talk to him to pitch my idea.  But he doesn’t know me.  What will I say?”   So your big idea doesn’t come into fruition.

Here’s the thing, many of the things that you will not be doing in your thirties has something to do with your fear of rejection when you have opportunities to approach a guy that you find attractive or approaching a possible business contact that can further help you in your career.  As I said – you are a charismatic guy and most of the time – you draw these people in.  However – you only draw those people who are drawn to you.  How about those people that you yourself are drawn too?  Will you be willing to sacrifice the opportunity to level up and meet those people?

Here’s the trick that I will share with you.  The ability to talk to the people you’re drawn to will only be developed if you get used to striking up a conversation with anyone.  Like any skill, this only comes up with practice.  You must practice striking a conversation with the everyday man.  Be genuinely interested with the strangers that you meet and start talking about a good thing that you notice about them.  People like hearing compliments, and everyone, even the ugliest or smelliest, or the nastiest looking person, will have something nice that you can bring up to them.  Maybe it’s their shirt.  Or maybe it’s their smile.  Or maybe it’s their well-groomed eyebrows.  Anything – give them a compliment and you will be able to strike up that conversation.

Do this every day.  Make it a habit.  Don’t think that you will only approach people you need something from.  Whenever you do that – you will notice that you’ll get tongue-tied.  You run out of things to say.  This anxiety of talking to people you need something from or from people you are attracted comes from you thinking of the high stakes involved.  In your mind, you are trying to make sure that you don’t get rejected and in the process of avoiding rejection, you lose your cool and you do get rejected. 

Now, think of the alternative mindset: you are talking to a stranger who is no different from the stranger that you spoke with yesterday.  In your mind, you think, “This is easy, I don’t need anything from this stranger.  I am giving him compliments because that’s what I do. I notice something nice about him similar to me noticing the lovely dress that the woman in the grocery store is wearing.”  

When you do this all the time – your charisma will be doubled.  You will really be deadly and may even be able to give Mr. Bond a run for his money for being suave and charismatic.

Talk to strangers.  Don’t be afraid of people.  The more people you interact with, the better you understand humanity.  The better you understand humanity, the better you understand yourself and that is golden.  When you understand yourself, everything that you can do you will do.

With  much love,

The 40-something Year old you

(Blogger's Note - this is 5th and last advice for the 30 year old me and was written as part of a really long letter found here.)