That Thing Called Compassion

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

It had been a month since I attended the facilitator's training for TeamUp.  With this training,   I have intentions of taking steps closer to living a mindful life and also helping others who choose to live a mindful life.  Note that when I started my mindfulness journey - compassion was not in my mind as a result of what I was doing. but as I went deeper into my mindfulness practice; it just became front and center of some of my practice.  So today - I'd like to talk about it and what I think about compassion.

During the TeamUp training,  I actually had - what Brene Brown called a breakdown/spiritual awakening.  It was the third day of training and I just found myself uncontrollably sobbing.   Finally,  I felt that I just had to share with everyone what I was feeling:

"I'm having a breakdown all by myself here - that I felt I just needed to share what I'm going through.  I am an openly gay man and I have experienced coming out years ago.   They say that someone gay can only come out once in his/her lifetime.  It's like being born - you can only be born once in a lifetime.  I remember that coming out experience and as much as I was afraid of expressing to the world that I was gay for fear of being rejected,  I would say that it was also a beautiful experience because it allowed me to release all of those bottled up feelings and ideas prior to coming out.

"Today - I feel that once again - I'm going through a coming out process.  This time,  it's no longer about my sexuality.   When I asked to speak to my voice of compassion during the Big Mind exercise,  I've come to realize that for so long,  I have tried to fit in to what I thought was how I should be.   The problem is - fitting in meant that I had to bottle up my big personality.   Today - I've realized that this big personality of mine wants to come out and be seen.   It is no longer taking the crap from my ego - and it just wants to proclaim it's bigness to all of you."

After saying that,  I felt so expanded.  It was as if I have emptied myself out and is actually experiencing love from the Universe pouring into the emptied vessel of my soul.

So what does this experience have anything to do with compassion?    

In response to what I have shared,  a woman named Laura gave me feedback and shared some of her own thoughts on the coming out process.

"She said - my Darling - I love you dearly and now I know why.   Having said that - I actually want to share with you what my Mom told me during my coming out process.   She said, 'Coming out is a horrible term to use for what you are going through.  Coming out somehow denotes being found out.   Revealing to the world a secret - or coming out of hiding.   I really think that when someone accepts who they really are in their sexuality,   instead of coming out,  one actually comes into herself/himself.'   So my Darling - my friend - I really think that what I will tell you now will resonate with you because you may find this as the truth.   What you are going through is that you have deeply come into yourself and recognized that part of you that you are ready to share with the whole world.   And this is a beautiful experience that I am so grateful to have experienced."

That feedback blew me away.   She is right - what I have actually been experiencing is this deep connection with that part of myself that until then - I have pushed away and denied.   And when I felt that compassion - I realized that instead of pushing away that part of me - and suffering through it - by being disconnected from it,   what will be most helpful for my growth is to embrace it.

Compassion - when you look it up in the web for it's definition is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for someone who experiences sorrow.   It is a also a feeling that comes with a strong feeling to alleviate that suffering. Compassion comes with the need to take action - even if that action comes with lending an ear towards someone else when they need to express what they are going through.   It comes from that deep truth that at the end of the day,  we're all one - with our lives.   We are connected to each other and therefore another person's suffering and cares in this life --- we share in that suffering and cares as well.   But one thing that I have come to realize is that compassion - like love - starts with oneself.

At the end of that training for TeamUp,  we had to share what we learned during those three days.   This is what I shared:

"I learned about compassion.  I also learned how we are connected to one another.   I realized that during those moments when I encounter people I don't like,  or I feel contraction towards my interaction with another person or his/her behavior,  more often than not - how I feel is a reflection of how I feel about parts of me that I don't like and have actually disowned."

So my dear friend,  I ask of you.   Start reflecting upon how you feel about yourself - by looking at how you feel about others.   Before you embark on trying to fix the world --- it is best to start looking at yourself and the things that need to be fixed.  Is there some part of you that you have disowned or have buried into oblivion because you didn't like it?   Talk to that part of you and deal with it with love.   Know that the part of you that you have denied is suffering - for acknowledgment.

Only when you have reconciled everything with love - and compassion - about yourself - can you truly start engaging with other people with deep love and compassion.

I am rambling - I am trying to express concepts now that I am struggling to express in the past month.   But alas - I don't feel that I am successful.  So I will stop for now.  But know this --- my promise in my life - and hopefully as you read this - you can start early.  I promise to feel love deep within us.  Love for who we are - so we can be beacons of love for the world around us.

With much Love,

The Forty Year Old you

Certainty and Faith

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

I am currently reading this book: The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein.  I love this book.  It actually puts into words all of the divine experiences that I've had in my life that I am starting to notice more everyday.   For me,  one of the things that is resonating well is the idea of certainty in the divine purpose of our lives - and that it is meant to be joyful and full of love.

So as you sit there reading this letter,  I want you to think of one of Gabrielle's exercises.  Think of what you will be doing if you are certain and that you don't have any doubt about your purpose and the life that you're meant to live filled with love and joy.   I have completed this exercise and here I share with you what I have come up with.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to honestly speak about how I feel.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to live a curious life.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to focus on gaining joyful and loving experiences instead of collecting material possessions.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to be grateful when I receive compliments.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to talk to strangers especially strangers I am attracted to.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to please myself and take care of my wants and needs before I take action to please others and take care of their wants and needs.  

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to identify my personal boundaries and communicate them to people I interact with.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to act with spontaneity.

With Much Love,

The Forty Year Old You

Job Satisfaction

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

I want to share this exchange I had with one of our interns earlier this week. That meeting was actually profoundly satisfying but there was one question to which my answer I will share with you today.

The question - "What gives you the most satisfaction in your job? Is it the pay? The environment? The actual work?"

A tricky question to answer because I want to be as truthful as I can. Like many times in the past month since I learned of "Big Mind", I took 2 mindful breaths before I gave my response.

My response:

I would be lying if I tell you that I don't derive satisfaction from the compensation I have in my job but I can honestly say that it is not the primary source of my satisfaction. I would have to reflect and take an inventory of the days in a year when I experience extreme joy and satisfaction because of one facet of my job. For example - the other day, my boss was coaching me through a difficult decision that I have to make. My initial recommendation wasn't really a logical one so we ended up with a different proposal. All through out that interaction - he asked difficult questions. He listened to what I was saying. He made me felel important. After I hung up the phone - I felt a deep sense of gratitude for having the opportunity to work with a great boss like him.

I would also like to say that times like this one - when I am able to talk to people like you (referring to the interns) - gives me a great sense of satisfaction that I actually sometimes exclaim - I get paid to do this? I am so blessed.

The joy and the gratitude and the feeling of being blessed - I would say is equivalent to the joy and gratitude I feel when my boss hands me the letter once a year that declares - what my new compensation is for the year. Does this mean that I don't feel joyful when I see my payslip every payday? I do - but the deep joy is experienced only when I get that letter - after that - and I'm being honest here - I kinda expect that amount I get in the paycheck. So you see - I only experience extreme joy related to compensation - once a year.

Whereas the joy that gives me the experience of my hair standing on its end? I experience that a lot more often in the great interactions with my great colleagues. I experience that when I feel overwhelming satisfaction over a job well done or when I feel proud of my team's work.

So - for me - in conclusion - if I were to look at where I derive the satisfaction in my work that makes me want to get up in the morning excited - it is rare that I do it because of compensation. I do it most of the time because of the joy I get with working around people I respect and doing work that I love.

Feeling Blessed,
The Forty Year Old You

Do It For Yourself

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

I just dyed my hair gray.  Not blonde.   Not light brown.  Not black.  I dyed it gray.  You might be asking why I would do that when everyone who gets older - try to hide the silver gray hair that pops up as they age.  Firstly - this is not silver gray.   It's gray - without the silver.   It's actually en vogue in 2016 - and more and more younger people are trying it out.  Last weekend - I became one of those people.

The whole process took five hours.  The stylist had to strip away as much color as she could from my hair - which means I had to go through three bleaching processes.  After the bleaching process - my hair was white.   Then she applied the ash-gray color.   I could feel my hair screaming as we did this because it must have been a painful process for them.  The day after - some of my hair strands fell off - which - is good enough reason for me to tell myself - that now that I've experienced this - never again will I do it.

How do I find my gray hair look?   I love it.  It just gave me an edgy look that I've never really experienced even when I was young.   As you know - we've always tried trends but not to the extreme.  In fact - dyeing my hair gray,  I keep on telling myself that it still fits my overall look - unlike blonde - because everyone goes gray as they age.   Unlike blonde - which I've always thought will never fit my skin tone.

How do people find the look?   Almost everyone find it cool.  All I can say is that I feel so much love from a lot of our friends and family.   Them liking it is actually just extra for me because - in the end - I dyed my hair not to get people's approval.  I dyed my hair because I was curious about the look and how I would be able to carry it.

Of course - there will be a small number of people who don't like it - and there's one lady who expressed that it made me look old.   I've been reflecting on that comment - and as much as I try to say it doesn't bother me - I still want to give a tongue lashing at her.   In fact I kinda did,  I responded to her comment by saying, "It's a good thing that I am not doing this for you and I'm doing it for myself.  I'm very satisfied with it - and that is all there is to it."

Tongue lashing or not - I just want to make sure that you get that message.  In the end - the things that you want to do to yourself must be done from a place of curiosity and self compassion.  You must understand that you are doing it for yourself - and no matter what other people say - that you still love yourself despite what they say.   I'm starting to realize this as I age.  In the end - I am the only person I need to satisfy for my own look or what I wear.  Everyone else's opinion do not matter.

As I write this now - I've found a corollary to these words of wisdom.   As much as I should not care what other people say about how I look,  I should also not care about what other people do with their looks.   That's a great learning for me because - I am a very judgmental person.   I judge people based on their looks.  I thought it made me cool --- but now i realize it just makes me an ass$#)(*Q&.

So - the next time you want to do something crazy - ask yourself - can you live with yourself regardless of the consequences of those actions?  Don't care about what other people say - unless it actually has a direct impact on them.   What matters most is what you think and how you feel about it.   And - the corollary - mind your own business and if people make decisions that do not impact you or it does not cause injustice to another being --- you shouldn't care about it.

With Much Love,

The Forty Year Old You.