Talk to Strangers

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

“This week I discovered a terrible disease called loneliness”

“You see, when children are young, they’re told not to talk strangers.  When they go to school, they’re told not to talk to the person next to them.  Finally when they’re old, they’re told not to talk to themselves, who’s left?”

Mork of Mork and Mindy

I think you’re too young to recognize where this quote came from.  I only know about it because some people in my Facebook feed (a Social Networking site that will get really big) have posted it as one of the quotes from Mork and Mindy.  The actor who played Mork has just died.  That actor is Robin Williams and as you know he played the roles of many unforgettable characters. He touched so many of our lives in those roles. Thing is – as much as millions of people are mourning his death, I think that his death emphasizes a sad truth – all of us die alone.  Hopefully though – if you are alone in your death – you live a full life surrounded by people you love, people you adore, and people you care for.

The difficult thing about writing this to you is that people who don’t really know you will think that this is like preaching to the choir. You look like someone who can just strike up a conversation with anyone. That is true. If a stranger starts talking to you, you don’t find it hard to converse with them – even engage them in a dialogue. People are comfortable with you – they like being around you. You, after all, are a charming man. However, your charms had been coupled with an extreme shyness that you sometimes disguise as snootiness.  If you want to improve your life in the next ten years, I must ask you to overcome that shyness and start talking to strangers.

I know what goes through your head.  It goes something like this. “That guy is cute.  I want to talk to him.  But what if he rejects me?”   That’s a scenario when you are in a bar.  Another event will sound something like this. “Oh – that’s Mr. Bigshot.  I need to talk to him to pitch my idea.  But he doesn’t know me.  What will I say?”   So your big idea doesn’t come into fruition.

Here’s the thing, many of the things that you will not be doing in your thirties has something to do with your fear of rejection when you have opportunities to approach a guy that you find attractive or approaching a possible business contact that can further help you in your career.  As I said – you are a charismatic guy and most of the time – you draw these people in.  However – you only draw those people who are drawn to you.  How about those people that you yourself are drawn too?  Will you be willing to sacrifice the opportunity to level up and meet those people?

Here’s the trick that I will share with you.  The ability to talk to the people you’re drawn to will only be developed if you get used to striking up a conversation with anyone.  Like any skill, this only comes up with practice.  You must practice striking a conversation with the everyday man.  Be genuinely interested with the strangers that you meet and start talking about a good thing that you notice about them.  People like hearing compliments, and everyone, even the ugliest or smelliest, or the nastiest looking person, will have something nice that you can bring up to them.  Maybe it’s their shirt.  Or maybe it’s their smile.  Or maybe it’s their well-groomed eyebrows.  Anything – give them a compliment and you will be able to strike up that conversation.

Do this every day.  Make it a habit.  Don’t think that you will only approach people you need something from.  Whenever you do that – you will notice that you’ll get tongue-tied.  You run out of things to say.  This anxiety of talking to people you need something from or from people you are attracted comes from you thinking of the high stakes involved.  In your mind, you are trying to make sure that you don’t get rejected and in the process of avoiding rejection, you lose your cool and you do get rejected. 

Now, think of the alternative mindset: you are talking to a stranger who is no different from the stranger that you spoke with yesterday.  In your mind, you think, “This is easy, I don’t need anything from this stranger.  I am giving him compliments because that’s what I do. I notice something nice about him similar to me noticing the lovely dress that the woman in the grocery store is wearing.”  

When you do this all the time – your charisma will be doubled.  You will really be deadly and may even be able to give Mr. Bond a run for his money for being suave and charismatic.

Talk to strangers.  Don’t be afraid of people.  The more people you interact with, the better you understand humanity.  The better you understand humanity, the better you understand yourself and that is golden.  When you understand yourself, everything that you can do you will do.

With  much love,

The 40-something Year old you

(Blogger's Note - this is 5th and last advice for the 30 year old me and was written as part of a really long letter found here.)

Listen to Your Dermatologist

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

You are vain.   You like looking at the mirror admiring the view.  You like the compliments that you get from boys and girls – compliments that surprise you – but also makes you feel affirmed that other people actually think you are as beautiful as you think you are.

You are beautiful but you really didn't take proper care of your skin when you were growing up.  So now you have big craters on your face that will put the man on the moon’s face to shame.  You also have regular break outs of pimples, black heads, white heads and even – ugh – warts.  Many times you think you’re 30 and you should be way past this pimple thing.  You are not.  A big part of the problem is the environment that you live in.  Manila is a dirty place.  The pollution in that city is horrible.  Another factor that prolongs your skin predicament is your diet.   Go back to item number two – eat healthful food and you will also clear up the pimple and the allergies.  Stop eating processed food!

Don’t protest to me and say that you’ve tried everything and it’s a lost cause.  It is not a lost cause – you are just too stubborn and you don’t listen to the many dermatologists you consult with.  How many times have you started going for diamond peel sessions and stop after five sessions?   Many times – right?   The thing is, like the investments that I talked about – the good results for your skin will only happen when you continue with the treatments.   Recognize that you have craters on your face the size of Texas and it will take multiple treatments for them to get better.  If you start with those treatments now  and continue on it for the next couple of years,  I will not have to photoshop those craters away from pictures I post on social networking sites.  

Listen to your dermatologist.  Work with her (they’re all female – at least the ones that I met).  Their magic potions can do wonders for your skin.   Stop listening to your friends when they recommend those moisturizing creams for you.  You are a complex individual and a specialist needs to take care of your skin for you.  Over the counter creams don’t work for you because your face produces so much oil that it may actually have been the Philippines’ answer to the energy crisis in the 80s.   The creams that finally have worked for you have contents like Tretinoin and AHA.   When you first start using these creams you will have really flaky skin.  Again, don’t listen to your friends who will tell you to stop using the cream.   After two weeks your face will normalize and you will start noticing the following:  better skin for you, tighter pores, and no pimple break out.

I am not sure if you have already encountered this song with a man talking to young graduating people convincing them to wear sunscreen.   You must listen to that man.  Sunscreen is your friend.   Sunscreen is your friend even if you don’t spend time outdoors.  You work with computers all day and those computer screens can progressively damage your skin from prolonged use because of the bad rays they emit.  So you must wear sunscreen.

Now I must tell you a secret. Thank the universe for making you Asian.  We have received a gift – which we will call the Dorian Grey effect.  You have met a guy named Dorian five years ago – and you know where this name comes from.  Dorian Grey is the man who didn’t age because he made a deal with Death.  So he looked young for a long time – while his picture (or painting) depicted his real age.  For someone like you – you will notice that you will stop aging.  People you meet will say – you don’t look a day over forty.  They are right.  Thank them for those comments.  You will look young for a long time – but I must warn you.  The Dorian Grey effect comes with an expiration date.  When you reach the age of sixty – if you are like most people who benefit from this gift – you will age fast after that.   I have not received the letter from my sixty your old self so I’m not sure if this will happen to me. But please, I ask you to help me slow that aging process down and start working with your dermatologist now.   Listen to her – continue with your monthly check-up, use her magic potions, and wear sunscreen.

With  much love,

The 40-something Year old you

(Blogger's Note - this is advice number 4 for the 30 year old me and was written as part of a really long letter found here.)

Start Investing Now

Dear 30 Year Old Me.

“Money. Money. Money.  Lots of Money.  It’s a rich man’s world”

Abba

So much has been written about money and I think that as I write this letter – I will come up with more popular (and some might even be unpopular) notions about money.  If I recall correctly (and being 41 does clog up my memories so I don’t always recall correctly) – at this age of 30 – you have made peace with money.  This is difficult for you to do because you grew up being educated by priests and nuns who made you think money is dirty. You also grew up not having a lot of money so your relationship with money in the past is as complicated as that mathematical equations you were solving in Calculus.  The thing is along with this notion of money being a taboo subject – you realized that with the good money you earn, you are able to help out – not just yourself but your family.  You have made peace at the thought of appreciating the abundance that has followed you ever since you started earning money.  So I’d say, good for you and your healthy relationship with money.

You will continue to earn good money in your job(s).  You’ve been blessed with so much talent that your bosses just recognize you by either giving you a raise or giving you a bonus.  Thing is – as much as money comes to you constantly – you’re not very good at keeping it.  I know that you want to be a millionaire – but at the rate you’re going with your expenses unchecked – it will take you a long time for you to be a millionaire.   Remember that a wise man once said – “It’s not about the money that you earn.  It’s all about the money that you keep.”   Start keeping some of that money – so you can use it for a rainy day (and I hope that the rainy day doesn’t come with you dancing topless in a club singing “It’s Raining Men!”).

For someone like you, investments must come with you not being able to touch those investments – no matter what.  So this can come in the form of real estate, retirement funds, stocks, bonds.  You will always be liquid because of your job --- so don’t worry about sinking your money in these investments because the returns – when you reach my age will just be awesome.

When you reach the age of 35 – you will meet this hot young real estate broker.  He used to do modeling but you will not recognize him – but when you meet him – google his name so you can find out that he’s a great catch.  You and he will not hook up.  You definitely like the way he looks but let’s just say that you wish you can have better conversations with him apart from him selling you the latest development that the company he works for is building.  Listen to him – while you gaze into those big brown eyes.   He will introduce you to two real estate investments that will make sense.  The reason it makes sense for you is the fact that the monthly payments are well within your budget.  There will be balloon payments every year – but it doesn’t matter because your bonuses will go to those balloon payments.   In the end – after five years – you will be fully paid.  No loans at all to take for these assets.  Because of these assets, you will be able to claim that you are a millionaire.  The key here is to never stop paying until you are fully paid.  You will hear your friends come up with dire predictions for the real estate market because of what will happen in the US real estate market --- don’t listen to them.  In the end – if you sink your money but you don’t get the property – that will be foolishness that will be too expensive to recover from.  Listen to Mr. Chinito and buy those pre-selling properties – and stick with the investment – five years of paying for them is a short time compared to the years ahead when you will actually own these pieces of real estate.

You are also getting yourself up nicely for retirement.  Thanks to your friends who introduce you to “Financial advisers”.   Every month – for the next ten years – you will pay for a retirement-cum-insurance package.  In fifteen years – that account will mature – and you will have a good sum of money for your nest egg.

Forced savings are also good for you.  Actually – if you look at the things that I just mentioned – a good investment for you is one where you feel trapped in making them.  You keep on writing the checks for it and when you budget your monthly expenses; you know that the money for those post-dated checks you have issued should not be touched.   So going back to forced savings – if your current employer has an employee cooperative – you must sign up and deposit to it regularly.

One last thing about money – there will be things in your life that will be unexpected.  Because of this, it will always be good to keep a healthy emergency fund.  The amount in that emergency fund should be equal to 6-months-worth of expenses including the amount that is written up in your investments as post-dated checks). Save that money – don’t touch that money – until you really hit an emergency (or if you’re lucky an opportunity to make more money).

But all in all – because you have been generous with the money you earn – the universe actually sees you in favorable light.  Invest for the future – but as much as you love money – don’t let your life revolve around it.  There are so many things that life has to offer – that goes beyond what money can buy.

With  much love,

The 40-something Year old you

(Blogger's Note - this is advice number 3 for the 30 year old me and was written as part of a really long letter found here.)

Stop Eating Processed Food

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

Look back at your life and think of when you were the fattest.   I’ll give you a hint – you lived in Houston – at least part of it was in Houston.  You were still young – so it’s not slowed down metabolism that made you fat.  You were supposed to be eating healthy and people admired you for supposedly eating healthy.   Yup – you got it!  You were fattest (and least healthy) – when you were vegetarian.  But the truth of the matter is as a vegetarian,  you were not really eating a lot of vegetables.  Remember when you said you can eat as many cookies as you want because there's no meat in those cookies?  You were less a vegetarian but more like a Processed Food addict.

It's hard to accept the truth but I want you to recall those times. Take note – you were eating plant-based food products (except for eggs and dairy – so you were Ovo-Lacto-Vegetarian).   Can you recall what you ate in that period of your life?   Kangkong (water spinach) – check!  Lettuce – check!  Nuts – check!  Fruits – check!   Those food items comprised 20% of what you ate – and those are really good things to eat.  You also ate rice – and pasta – and potatoes.  So that’s maybe an additional 10% of at least good food.   How about the remaining 70%?   You pigged out on Chips, 4-cheese Pizza,  Cookies, Donuts, Cakes,  and a lot of things that come in a can or box with ingredients that you don’t recognize or can’t even pronounce.   You didn’t eat animal meat – but you ate zombified food (that’s what I call it – because they should really be called food for the undead).   You weren’t vegetarian – you were a processed food junkie.  That diet made you fat and sick.

Here’s the thing – you have lost all that extra weight when you started eating meat again and following a tight exercise regimen.  You were not very good at being a vegetarian - so I'm happy you quit that nonsense.  Some people, those who who actually eat vegetables and enjoy it are meant to be vegetarian - not you.

Here’s the thing, before you reach your forties – you will gain weight again.  You will also be sickly.  Your allergic reactions will be tough to manage.   You continue to exercise and you will think – why am I still not healthy?  It’s not what you thought you will feel because you exercise a lot and go to the gym a lot.   You have a trainer that you hire – but you will still be fat.  The kicker here is the fact that you think that the good habit of working out compensates for the times that you will eat processed junk.

Fast forward to this year in your life (I’m 41).   I have discovered a new way of eating.  It’s called the Paleo diet (that’s pronounced Peyleyow – think of the word Paleonthology).   The premise of this diet is that man (or woman) should really be eating food that he can forage or hunt.  According to its proponents, the human physiology is not meant to consume large amount of food that comes in a box with a thousand ingredients.  Humans should really be eating food that is an ingredient (or what we will call whole food).   These are the examples of whole food – sweet potato – and chicken – and beef – and lettuce – and spinach – and nuts.  The Paleo diet means choosing to eat these food items and choosing not to eat processed food.

Paleo is not just about banning processed food in your diet.  Apart from processed food – according to the Paleo experts and practitioners – foraged food – also means not eating the grains that we farm.  This also means not eating animal meat that has been fed grains.  So if you eat beef - it better be beef that consumes grass and not corn feed.  Humans have lived millions of years foraging or hunting for food – and it is just in the last hundreds of years where we discovered agriculture and the convenience of planting and eating grains in large scale.   In this grains category – falls food items like rice, wheat, anything made of rice and wheat like bread and pasta and rice noodles.  So with the Paleo diet I stopped eating processed food and grains.  What are the results – you ask.  Not only did I get to a healthy weight level --- I can truly say that I've never been healthier (less sick) – in my life.

There are many people who are so opposed to this diet.  A lot of its critics take note that if the cave man’s diet is so healthy – why is it that their life expectancy is a lot shorter?  There are definitely other factors to be considered there – Science is one of them.  Mr. and Mrs. Caveman died of communicable diseases that science has not found a cure for yet.  But I doubt that many of them die of diseases that we have right now --- like diabetes (or its complications), heart disease, or allergies (or not being able to breathe because of extreme allergic reaction).   I bet they died of natural causes – or they died because a bear ate them, or they got poisoned or they may have fallen off a cliff or froze to death during the winters --- but not because they were unhealthy.   Hey – I know I’m reaching here – and this weird story about cavemen might not actually be convincing you to hear me out.    But hear me out with the  next thing I’m going to tell you that may actually convince you to try eating Paleo.

I have lost most of the weight that I gained in my late 30s – and I’m now back to wearing 30 inch waistline pants (from wearing 36 inch waistline pants size).   That got your attention didn’t it – Mr. Vanity?   I have also addressed one thing that you suffer from – HANGRY.  That’s a new word for you.  Hangry is that edginess or anger  that  you feel when you have not eaten your 10:00 am snack or your 3:00 pm snack even if you had a good breakfast or lunch.   You actually get hangrier and hangrier when you don’t eat (too bad you don’t turn into a hulk – he’s actually cuter and cuddlier than the monster you transform to when you get hangry).  Eating Paleo keeps you full for longer periods of time.  No more sugar crashing experience.  No more hangry.  For the sake of the people you love and work with – at least try Paleo so you don’t turn into the Hangry monster.

Eating Paleo has also eliminated the congestion that I used to feel in my sinus passageways in the morning.   This is a big thing my young self.  You actually eliminated a lot of things in your life because of your attempt to cure your sinusitis problems.   You quit smoking.   That didn’t help because you still have a clogged sinus in the morning every day after you quit smoking.   You quit coffee and switched to tea – no effect on your allergies.  You got LASIK – to quit – contact lens – but you still have a clogged sinus when you wake up.  Your doctor even told you to quit your dogs --- which you will never do because you love your dogs (that’s a whole story best to discuss in another letter).   Then you discovered Paleo and quit processed food and grains --- especially wheat --- and one day you will wake up and say, "Hey --- where did the allergy go?"

So my dear young one – listen to me.  Stop eating processed food.  Stop eating grains (especially wheat).  You can still have them once a week (but I warn you – the processed food hangover – can be as bad as an alcohol hangover – so moderation is the key to avoiding those terrible hangovers).   Monday to Saturday – eat whole foods.  Good healthful food will do wonders for you.

With  much love,

The 40-something Year old you

(Blogger's Note - this is advice number 2 for the 30 year old me and was written as part of a really long letter found here.)

Come out of the Closet

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

What!?!?  You’re still in the closet?  Honey , tsk, tsk, tsk (smh), you have wasted your 20s by not coming out.  As they say – youth is wasted on the young.  I know that you know that you like men.  I know that you can relate to Will Truman’s character.  I know that you can’t relate to Joey De Leon’s depiction of a gay character (and frankly you will look hideous in drag) but nonetheless you are gay. You like men and you must embrace this wonderful gayness that you are.

You are a successful man. You have learned how to lead people in your youth and because of that experience – you will continue to be successful and will continue to lead other people who trust in your capabilities.  This is why you need to learn how to lead yourself.  Tell yourself to stop being a whiner. Stop imagining that bad things will happen to you, and your friends, and your career if you come out.   Take your hand and open that proverbial gay closet door and come out.  Believe me when I say to you that admitting to yourself, and your friends, and your family, and your colleagues that you are gay is going to be fantastic.

Help me with this exercise by looking at your recent pictures.   Just look at maybe 10 of them.  Look closely at that face --- don’t you think you look constipated?  You do.  Honey, you look constipated because you have all these pent up feelings inside – of not being able to express how you feel.  

When you come out --- you will be able to express your love for fashion,  your love for everything Martha Stewart (even if at your time she just got convicted and is serving her sentence in jail),  your passion for everything beautiful ,  and last but not the least – you’re desire to be Papa Piolo’s husband.   Look at yourself in those pictures again – and see that constipated look.   Now grab a mirror and look at yourself and say these words to that reflection in the mirror: “I am gay.  You are gay.”   Wow! That’s the first step to coming out.  Admitting and accepting who you are is the first step to this liberating exercise.  Don’t you look less constipated now?

Now you can start telling a select set of your friends.  It is not going to be easy --- but listen to these wise words used for the gay youth like you: “It gets better”.

With Much Love,

The 40-something Year old you

(Blogger's Note - this is advice number 1 for the 30 year old me and was written as part of a really long letter found here.)

Dear 30 Year Old Me

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

I am writing this letter because I’m trying to think of writing something useful as a 40-something year old man for 40-something year old people but realized that it is actually very presumptive of me to think that I can write advice on how to live this fifth decade of my life when I’m just starting to live it.  Then it hit me that I've finished living through my 30s and learned a lot of things in those 10 years.   Of course, my 30 year old self will not benefit from it (unless time travel suddenly becomes a reality) – but it doesn't matter – I decided that I will still write this letter to you.  First I want to let you know that we turned out alright.  You didn't die of any debilitating disease.   You’re actually very happy and content.   Your confidence in your capabilities has continued to grow.   And one last thing; in your forties, you've never looked better than you did all your life.  But hey – you didn't get to this state without hard work, patience, good vibes, help, friends, family and faith.

I’m going to try to read your mind but I guess I don’t really need to because I am you and you are me.  I bet you want to ask me right now “Knowing what you know now – what should I have done or not done to make it better for me when I’m forty?”   Well, if I tell you about the things that I think I should have done or not done in my 30s; this exercise may turn out into an exercise on regret.   I will answer your question but not out of regret because if there’s one thing that I know now regret is a futile act.  You cannot turn back time and thinking of the wouldda-shouldda-couldda does not result in changing one’s life.  I will try to answer your question not in the spirit of regret but in the spirit of taking inventory of the lessons in life that I am grateful for.   

There are so many lessons but I would like to write about the five lessons that you must learn now.   The other lessons, my young Jedi self, you will learn in the future.  I am hoping that this strong inspiration that I feel right now will revisit me in the not so distant future and I end up sharing a lot more lessons than the five that I share now.

Let us start.  Read on my young self.

     1.  Come Out of the Closet

What!?!?  You’re still in the closet?  Honey , tsk, tsk, tsk (smh), you have wasted your 20s by not coming out.  As they say – youth is wasted on the young.  I know that you know you like men.  I know that you can relate to Will Truman’s character.  I know that you can’t relate to Joey De Leon’s depiction of a gay character (and frankly you will look hideous in drag) but nonetheless you are gay. You like men and you must embrace this wonderful gayness that you are.  (Read More. Follow this link)

2.  Stop Eating Processed Food

Look back at your life and think of when you were the fattest.   I’ll give you a hint – you lived in Houston.  You were supposed to be eating healthy and people admired you for supposedly eating healthy.   Yup – you got it!  You were fattest (and least healthy) – when you were vegetarian.  But the truth of the matter is as a vegetarian,  you were not really eating a lot of vegetables.  Remember when you said you can eat as many cookies as you want because there's no meat in those cookies?  You were less a vegetarian but more like a Processed Food addict.  Processed food makes you fat even if there's no animal product in that food. (Read More. Follow this link)

3.  Start Investing Now

“Money. Money. Money.  Lots of Money.  It’s a rich man’s world”

Abba

So much has been written about money and I think that as I write this letter – I will come up with more popular (and some might even be unpopular) notions about money.  If I recall correctly (and being 40-something does clog up my memories so I don’t always recall correctly) – at the age of 30 – you have made peace with money.  This is difficult for you to do because you grew up being educated by priests and nuns who made you think money is dirty. You also grew up not having a lot of money so your relationship with money in the past is as complicated as that mathematical equations you were solving in Calculus.  However, with all these complications,  you also realized that with the good money you earn, you are able to help out – not just yourself but your family.  You have made peace at the thought of appreciating the abundance that has followed you ever since you started earning money.  So I’d say, good for you and your healthy relationship with money.  You're earning good money.  Now - stop spending all of them and start saving and investing for the future.  (Read More.  Follow this link.)

4.  Listen to Your Dermatologist

You are vain.   You like looking at the mirror and wondering why you have not been coupled by now.  You like the compliments that you get from boys and girls – compliments that surprise you – but also makes you feel affirmed that other people actually think you are as beautiful as you think you are. However, every time you look at your face you see the pock marks left by very bad acne infestation when you were a teenager.  People told you to consult with a dermatologist to deal with the pimples, and blackheads, and whiteheads.  No use moping in one corner for not listening to that great advice however, you must listen to this advice now.  You must consult with a dermatologist now and listen to her so you can take better care of your skin to ensure that you continue to look youthful in your 40s and beyond.  (Read More. Follow this link.)

5.  Talk to Strangers

“This week I discovered a terrible disease called loneliness”

“You see, when children are young, they’re told not to talk to strangers.  When they go to school, they’re told not to talk to the person next to them.  Finally when they’re old, they’re told not to talk to themselves, who’s left?”

Mork of Mork and Mindy

I think you’re too young to recognize where this quote came from.  I only know about it because some people in my Facebook feed (a Social Networking site that will get really big) have posted it as one of the quotes from Mork and Mindy.  The actor who played Mork has just died.  That actor is Robin Williams and as you know he played the roles of many unforgettable characters. He touched so many of our lives in those roles. Thing is – as much as millions of people are mourning his death, I think that his death emphasizes a sad truth for all of us mortals – all of us die alone.  Hopefully though – even if you are alone in your death – you live a full life surrounded by people you love, people you adore, and people you care for.  In your 40s you are not alone but you like settling in with the people you are comfortable with. That's a shame because there are so many people out there to meet who could be your friends, or business partners or maybe even your life partner but right now they are strangers to you.  So one skill you need to start developing is how to talk to strangers.  Talk to these strangers because they will open possibilities for you.  (Read more.  Follow this link.)

That’s it – those are the key lessons you should learn right now.   Start with these five lessons and focus on them.  They are not easy lessons to act upon.  Some of them you might think are trivial.  Some of them might seem insane. You must however understand that I, your forty year old self, have the benefit of hindsight.  Hindsight is always 20-20.  So hopefully you will listen to me.

I wish the best of luck to you young lad.

Best Regards – and with much love,

The Forty Year Old You