Fighting The Signs of Aging

Dear Timmy,

I have been contemplating on this topic of aging.  It is often said that youth is wasted on the young.  I look back when I was young and I agree on this adage.  If I had the power to turn back time,  I will start a lot of habits that I am only starting now at the point in my life when some of the signs of aging are starting to be visible.  You know what I mean - the lines on my forehead that multiplies  every year.  The two strands of gray hair on my head which was not there before.  Speaking of hair - I've always had a great full head of hair but in the past two years - it has thinned and I wonder if the hot showers are to be blamed.

The funny thing is - strangers are usually surprised when I tell them that I am forty one years old. They tell me that I don't look forty one.  I ask them - what should forty one look like?  To this they respond - definitely not like you.  So - I look younger than my age - or younger than most people my age.  I thank these strangers for their kind words and feel good about myself for two minutes, look in the mirror and notice the two strands of gray hair and remind myself - that I should hold on to this youthful look for as long a I can.

You are familiar with the story of Dorian Grey.  He is a man who remained youthful for a long time - while his painting and/or photograph aged.  In the real world, someone who is able to keep his youthful looks is said to benefit from the Dorian Grey effect.  I am hoping that my friend Dorian keeps me company for a very long time.

So my friend,  today I will share with you three things that you should start taking care of right now - to help us retain our youthful look well into our 50s and hopefully even in our sixties.   Taking care of these three things will go a long way in ensuring that people will continue to be surprised when we reveal to them our chronological age.

1.  The Skin

Science has definitely come  a long way in artificially giving people youthful skin.  I have friends who started getting Botox injections as early as their mid-30s.   I'm happy to share with you that I have not gone that route.  I am not sure if I will in the future - but right now - our genes and our daily routines are helping us stay away from Botox.

To start with - we have natually oily skin.  This helps a lot because it keeps our skin from drying up.  Your friends actually tell you that you should moisturize --- and that may be true for parts of your body that dry up - like your hands,  your legs and the area around your eyes.   However - applying a moisturizer on your face will do you harm than good.  You will get pimple break outs from the moisturizers that your friends are using.  What I have realized works for me is this "miracle" cream that my dermatologist has prescribed for me.  I asked her what is in her concoction and she told me that it's got tretinoin, AHA and a whole lot of other secret ingredients.

The other items that are important for taking care of our skin is sunscreen.  Sun damage can really cause the lines on your face to develop fast.   Your face will also be lackluster when you have continuous sun exposure.  Thank God we don't like being outdoors.  However - even when we spend most of our time indoors - it is still important to wear sunscreen all the time.

2.  Hair

There are two important characteristics of hair that can lead to youthful look.  One is the absence of grey hair.  The other is how full your head of hair is.   For a very long time,  we are able to resist the onset of grey hair. I noticed that whenever we get into a stressful situation - for a long period of time, a strand of gray hair appears on our forehead.   So avoid stress - or I guess the better advice is to be able to manage stress.   In future letters,  I will tell you my secret in managing stress.  And no - avoiding the cause of stress is not the solution.  Let's just say that facing our problems and solving it and asking for help to solve it is the best way to reduce the effects of stress on our body and our hair.

The other problem that we are now encountering is thinning hair.  For the longest time,  Papa ( our father ) has advised us strongly against using hot water when we shower.  I disregarded that advice.  When we moved to Baguio - I continued to shower with hot water --- which would have been OK if it we were just using it for our body --- but to use it to wash our hair turned out to be a big mistake.   A year into our stay in Baguio - we noticed our hair continued to thin.   That's when we started to listen to Papa's advice.  It slowed down the hair fall but it continued.   Thank heavens our dermatologist also had a remedy for this.  Note that I will not mention the product name because I'm not a doctor.  It's best to consult with a physician for this problem.

I have also switched shampoo.  This brand I can mention.  I am now using Lauat.  I found it in the drugstore and it promised that it will help eliminate hair fall.  I have been using it for a month and I'm happy to say that I do feel that my hair is thicker ever since I started using it.

3.  Muscle

I know that you just started working out.  Good for you.  That will help a lot in developing your self confidence.  In fact --- beefing up in our early thirties helped us transition from the ugly duckling to the not so ugly duckling that we discover ourselves to be in our late thirties.  However - it is in our forties that we transformed into the beautiful swan that I am.   Have patience my dear - you will reach this state.

Anyways - going back to the topic of muscle.  We both know that we get attracted to men who have a good physique.  So it is just natural that if those muscular men are attractive - if we are to continue to look attractive and young - we need to keep our muscle well into our old age.   The only way to do this is through resistance training.  You like running - and there's no harm in that - but if you want to look great - you need to cut down on the long distance running and invest your time in weight lifting.

Recently - I have learned that all along in my thirties - I focused on the wrong thing when I was lifting weights.  My weight training session was all about the pump - that awesome look that I get when I look in front of the mirror.  The problem is - as the day progressed - the pump goes away.   The mistake lies in the fact that I didn't structure my workout to progressively get stronger.   Today - I'm following a program by a man called Anthony Mychall.  He has a blog and his weights workout encourages those who are following it to progressively try to get stronger.  For example - if you do three sets of bench presses this week with 40 lbs.for each set and 5 reps per set.  The week after,  he instructs you to do 45 lbs on the first set with 4 reps and continue with 40 lbs for the second and third set.

Big jumps in weights and reps are mesmerizing when you start lifting weights.  The key to keeping a good toned/muscular body is to lift weights that are heavy enough for you to develop those muscles.  Look for help in this aspect ( maybe a personal trainer or advice from the many online communities that are dedicated to helping people like you ).

So Mr. Timmy,  that's it.  Those are the holy trinity of youthful looks - take care of the three of them and you will go on for years and years of looking younger than your chronological age.

With much Love,

The Forty Year old you

The Practice of Mindfulness

Dear Timmy,

In a previous letter, I have revealed to you one of my problems.  I'm a chronic procrastinator.  I am actively trying to deal with this problem and I thought it would be good to share with you some of the remedies that I have stumbled upon that can help fix the problem.  Today,  I share with you the practice of mindfulness.  If you try to research what it is -- you find out that the concept of Mindfulness is something that is rooted in the teachings of Buddha and Enlightenment.  From the book: "Procrastination: Why you do it and What to Do About it Now" - one definition of Mindfulness that made a lot of sense in my mind is the following: 

Mindfulness refers to "paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non judgmentally."

In today's world, practicing mindfulness is especially difficult - given the many things that can get us distracted.  Growing up - I actually took pride over my supposed ability to study and watch TV at the same time.  As I became an adult,  I found myself thinking of that experience and I tell myself that if I can't get two things at the same time --- then I am not trying hard enough.  The problem of course is that when I try to do more than one thing at a time, I end up not doing any of them well.

The other problem that I encounter when I have to accomplish something is that I end up thinking about other things, while I do it.  So from the outside - it seems like I'm not multi-tasking.  But the truth is - for example - when I started to learn how to play golf,  in every stroke - I end up thinking of the tasks that I have not completed.  Or I daydream of the day that I would be good at golf.  When I do this - I end up not doing it well. 

Staying in the present - and practicing mindfulness requires focusing on the activity that you currently are doing.  If there are thoughts that come - you can let go of them and acknowledge them as just thoughts - don't dwell on it.   Instead - observe the input that your different senses feed your brain.  I tried practicing this - even for five minutes at a time - when I eat, while driving, while writing this blog.   The great thing about experiencing it even for five minutes - I realize that the food tastes better and I find that eating itself becomes enjoyable.  The same is true for driving and writing my blog.

One activity that this was especially helpful was when I picked up golf lessons.  I wrote earlier that my previous experience of trying to play golf is not that enjoyable because I could not concentrate on the task at hand and I end up not playing well.  While I was doing my lessons - I paid attention to everything.  I paid attention to how my hands grip the golf club.  I pay attention to my stance.  I pay attention to the instructions that my instructor was giving - then I execute.  There are moments I don't do it well - which is fine because I'm so tuned to the activity that I knew instinctively what adjustments I can make.  The great thing about this - apart from progressing well in my golf game is that I ended up enjoying it - unlike how I felt about it before.

Now,  I try to practice mindfulness in all the activities that I do.  I don't always succeed because I sometimes forget - but when I do remember I stay at the present moment.  I practice mindfulness while I'm eating - and I cherish the taste, the texture, and the aroma of the food.   I practice mindfulness while I write.  I don't watch TV while I blog - I just think of the things that I have to write - and the words just flow.  I practice mindfulness when I'm having conversations - and I end up understanding the people that I talk to - a lot better than when my mind is tentative.  And with this - I enjoy and maximize each experience.

It's really a neat trick to learn.  I encourage you to try it.  Be present in the moments that matter.  These days, one popular mantra is YOLO (You Only Live Once). Although I don't subscribe to the foolishness that is attached to the most popular manifestations of this mantra - I think that if you think of YOLO - it will be a shame to live this life without truly experiencing the beautiful moments that we encounter.

With much Love,

The Forty You.

Living with Our Parents

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

It's a Saturday morning.  I didn't have any Friday night plans - which is really good because I had a restful sleep.  I need that after the busy week that I just had.

Writing to you is an odd experience because I feel a lot of contradicting things inside as a write these letters.  Right now,  I tell myself, I ran out of ideas to write about.  As I type on my Macbook (yes - you became an Apple Fan boy), and the letters start to appear onscreen - a gazillion ideas just pop up in my mind and then I tell myself I don't know where to start.  In the past, when I feel these contradicting feelings, I just freeze and  stop what I'm doing and tell myself that it's not worth it. These days, I've learned how to fight it.  The confused feelings don't last long and when they are lifted from my mind, I get to focus and actually complete the task at hand.

I thought I would start today by reminding you that I'm your Forty year old self.  So I can see your future.  Quirky idea isn't it?  We are sci-fi fans so we know there's danger involved when the future person reveals details to their past persona.  That's just science fiction - so I will disregard it and still reveal this tiny bit of detail about my life now.  I am now living with Papa and Mama in the same house.  For almost 10 years, I lived on my own, but when I moved to Baguio for a job, I told Papa that I want him and Mama to move to Baguio with me.  If there's one thing that I learned from our brief stint in the US - I really can't live far away from my family.  I'm a drifter.  I don't like keeping in touch.  I don' like long phone calls.  I don't write e-mails.  And when I was in the US,  I realized that when I stop keeping in touch,  one day I wanted to talk to our folks and realize that I did not  know how to.  This time,  I didn't want to put myself and our parents in the same situation so I resolved to ask our folks to move with us.  They were very happy to do so - given that the destination will be good for them.   Papa, Mama and I all packed our bags - along with our two dogs then (the third one joined us when we were already in Baguio) - then we settled in the City of Pines.

Living together under one roof wasn't much of a challenge.  At this age, all of us already treat each other as adults.  You see, I find that in most dysfunctional parent and child relationships, the parents treat their sons and daughters as if the latter were children.  The children resent these interactions but they actually commit the same "crime" against their parents.  As the parents get older, and lose some of their faculties ( and we're lucky - Mama and Papa are strong physically and mentally ) - the children start treating their parents like the latter were children.   There's a lot of horror in those types of interactions and my advice to you - when you get to this time in your life.  Remind yourself - and your parents that you all are adults and treat each other as such.

I am sorry I don't have a list of three to five things that I want to share with you today.  I just thought that it was nice to just talk to you about our lives.   Wait - I lied - I don't have three pieces of advice but I have one.  When you start living with Mama and Papa - you will realize that you missed their home cooked meals.  This will lead you to gorge on every meal that your mom cooks for you.   May I remind you that you love every fattening and carb-full recipe that she can concoct.  Like many other things that you consume - please practice moderation.  Otherwise - you will end up a fatty with very high bad cholesterol levels in your blood.

I hope you're reading this on a weekend as I am writing it on a Saturday morning.  I don't have plans for today.  I just want to walk the dogs this morning.  Get some supplies for my week's salad and shakes downtown.  Then - maybe write more letters to you.

Before I end this - I was thinking it would be fun to give you a nickname.  I settled on Timmy (Thiry-Me contacted).  I'm being silly I know but it's a lot shorter than writing the full phrase - 30-year-old-me.

Anyways - Timmy - I love the ring of that - I will end this letter (like any conversations on the phone I don't know how to end letters).  I hope that you really have a great weekend.

With much love,

Forty Year Old You.

The Procrastinator

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

In this letter - I will give you a different name - because I'm going to reveal something about us/me that I've been trying to address but shamefully could not fully resolve.  Most of the time,  I take two steps forward and one step back.  The progress is very slow - and I thought it would be therapeutic to just openly admit it ( but still hide my true identity via a pseudonym ).

 Hi.  You can call me Joey.  I am a procrastinator.  

You will not be able to tell that I have a problem just by looking at me,  I seem to be a very successful guy,  I hold an important position in the company I work for.  I earn enough money to live a comfortable life and even help with my family's expenses (parents, siblings - I am not married and I don't have kids).  There are people who know me and can honestly say that they admire me.

The thing is,  I am not all that.  I have a deep seated problem that I am trying to overcome.  In the English language - you call it procrastination.  In our culture (being Filipino) - we call it the mañana habit.  Manana is the Spanish word for tomorrow.  Putting these English and Filipino concepts together,  we can then say that procrastination is the habit of putting off till tomorrow important activities that should be done today.  For most procrastinators like me,  tomorrow comes and we  will once again say "I will just do it tomorrow".

I am currently in the process of kicking the habit.  I woke up one day realizing that my life is a bit of a mess and all that I currently have: the good job, the respect of other people, the money that I use to support myself and my family - are in danger of just vanishing into thin air if I continue to procrastinate.

I know that I am not alone in trying to overcome the Mañana habit,  Millions of people are afflicted by this 'disease'.  You may be surprised that I use such a strong word,  If you are in my shoes you will understand why I call it a disease,  Procrastination is like cancer that eats up your insides every time you get into a situation when your procrastination causes stress in your life.  In fact,  it is not uncommon for me to whisper to myself "Kill me now," when I miss the many deadlines that I encounter in my life of procrastination,

I will continue to write in these letters this life of procrastination.  I am hoping that it will help me get the important things done once and for all.   I do hope that as you read this, you can help me by giving words of encouragement as I go through this difficult process.  If anything I say sounds familiar because you have gone through the same experience,  tell me about it.  Are you trying to overcome procrastination problems as well?  Let's try to help each other out.

Hi.  I'm Joey.  I am a Procrastinator.

With much love,

The 40 Year Old you.

How I Quit Smoking

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

Smoking was the habit that I had a hard time quitting.  I'm happy to report that in the end - I actually quit it.  I have not smoked for five years now.  To be honest - I've quit and picked up the habit for three times already in my lifetime.  I'm pretty sure - that this time it will stick.  Why?  I have actually reached that part of my life where the supposed benefit of smoking is already irrelevant.

I know you will scour the internet searching for nuggets of wisdom in your own quest for kicking the habit.  Different quitters have different techniques.  I'm sharing the techniques that worked for me:

1.  State the Reason for Quitting

When I started to think about quitting --- I listed down the many reasons why I would like to quit.  I was concerned about my health - so that's part of the list.  I remember being able to run for miles or play badminton without losing my breath when I wasn't smoking.  When I picked up the habit - doing any athletic activity is a struggle.   I also thought about my dogs - whose health and well being are very important to me.  They live a fraction of our lifetime.  Thinking of how they will suffer through second hand smoke in their lifetime was a pretty compelling argument to kick the habit.

Those were important reasons - but for me the most immediate reason why I wanted to quit is the smoker's hack that goes with smoking.  Every morning when I wake up and go to the shower --- I had phlegm in my throat that I had to expel  It's yucky, disgusting and INCONVENIENT.   For me - Convenience is actually something that I value - so if I had to get up in the morning going through this hacking - then I'd rather quit smoking.

2.  Just Quit - Cold Turkey

The three times that I actually quit smoking ( or stopped smoking long term ) - I just quit - cold turkey.  This last time wasn't different.   I started with day 1 - not picking up a stick of cigarette.  That 1 day turned into 2 days.  Then it became three - then a week - then a month - then a year.

The times that I actually tried to quit by cutting down wasn't that successful.  I used to smoke a pack and a half a day.  I said - I'll try to cut down gradually.   What I found is that after going down to a pack --- I will lose count and before I know it - I will be back to a pack and a half a day.

When I quit cold turkey --- the craving can be really strong.  But you know what?  The craving actually just stays for under a minute.  A good way to deal with this craving - is the next item that I will be talking about.

3.  When you Feel the Craving - Just Breathe

Cravings are very difficult to deal with.  You feel antsy.  You're mouth waters ( similar to my experience of seeing a New York Cheesecake in the pastry stand at Starbucks ).  What helps in dealing with the cravings is breathing - and focusing on one's breathing.   Breath in - count 1 - breath out - count 2.  Repeat that - until you feel that the craving is all gone.   For me it lasts from 10 seconds to sometimes a full two minutes before the craving goes away.

4.  Stay Away from people or situations that lead you to pick up the stick

My best friend smokes as heavily as I did.  She lived in the same house that I did.  We also worked for the same company.  So this advice was not easy to follow even for me.  So what I had to do to stay away is to make sure that I'm not in the same room during the first couple of weeks of my quitting routine whenever she smokes.   I also stopped hanging out with her during her smoking break.  She also understood that I was trying to quit - so she stopped asking me to go with her during those breaks.

Smoking - is a social habit for me.  I got a lot of good friends from hanging out with other people who smoke.  So being able to stay away from them - also removes the positive reinforcement that I get from smoking.  I realized - I can still hang out with them - even without joining them for their smoking break.

5.  Pick up a Healthy Habit that replaces Smoking

Since I quit smoking -- I found that I can actually breathe a lot better.  I also noticed that I can do physical activities with ease.   So I started to pick up my exercise routine.  Instead of doing it for just once a week,  I noticed that I can actually do it regularly ( at least every other day ).

These are the techniques that worked for me.  As I said - some people may not actually do the same things that I did to kick the habit.   Note that it's not easy - but once you get beyond a day of not smoking --- it would be good to think "I've made it through one day --- what's another day of being without a cigarette?".   You can repeat that to yourself everyday and soon enough you will find that you don't even have to think about smoking at all.

With Much Love,

The 40 Year Old You

Getting Lucky

A member of my/our team once asked me, "How did you create opportunities for yourself?"  I asked him what he meant by that question.   He said, "It seems like you've been fairly successful in your career,  how did you get to where you are right now?"

It's a point that I had to ponder upon.  I gave him my responses during our conversation and gave him key points.  After that meeting - I sat down and started to think of the best way to answer the original question:   How does one create opportunity?

My answer - sometimes you just need to get L.U.C.K.Y.

Learn - Where can you find opportunity?  What are the skills you need to succeed?

Undertake the necessary action.  Opportunity knocks - and you have to open the door for it.  Carry out what needs to be done to grab the opportunity

Create and Prepare the groundwork.  People don't build wealth overnight.  They start with savings (whether it's money, relationships, or emotional bank accounts) with the first step.  Over time the investment gets bigger.   

Kindness can bring good Karma.   Open yourself up to the needs of other people.

Yes is a powerful word.  How many opportunities have you turned down because you thought it was difficult?

Talk to Strangers

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

“This week I discovered a terrible disease called loneliness”

“You see, when children are young, they’re told not to talk strangers.  When they go to school, they’re told not to talk to the person next to them.  Finally when they’re old, they’re told not to talk to themselves, who’s left?”

Mork of Mork and Mindy

I think you’re too young to recognize where this quote came from.  I only know about it because some people in my Facebook feed (a Social Networking site that will get really big) have posted it as one of the quotes from Mork and Mindy.  The actor who played Mork has just died.  That actor is Robin Williams and as you know he played the roles of many unforgettable characters. He touched so many of our lives in those roles. Thing is – as much as millions of people are mourning his death, I think that his death emphasizes a sad truth – all of us die alone.  Hopefully though – if you are alone in your death – you live a full life surrounded by people you love, people you adore, and people you care for.

The difficult thing about writing this to you is that people who don’t really know you will think that this is like preaching to the choir. You look like someone who can just strike up a conversation with anyone. That is true. If a stranger starts talking to you, you don’t find it hard to converse with them – even engage them in a dialogue. People are comfortable with you – they like being around you. You, after all, are a charming man. However, your charms had been coupled with an extreme shyness that you sometimes disguise as snootiness.  If you want to improve your life in the next ten years, I must ask you to overcome that shyness and start talking to strangers.

I know what goes through your head.  It goes something like this. “That guy is cute.  I want to talk to him.  But what if he rejects me?”   That’s a scenario when you are in a bar.  Another event will sound something like this. “Oh – that’s Mr. Bigshot.  I need to talk to him to pitch my idea.  But he doesn’t know me.  What will I say?”   So your big idea doesn’t come into fruition.

Here’s the thing, many of the things that you will not be doing in your thirties has something to do with your fear of rejection when you have opportunities to approach a guy that you find attractive or approaching a possible business contact that can further help you in your career.  As I said – you are a charismatic guy and most of the time – you draw these people in.  However – you only draw those people who are drawn to you.  How about those people that you yourself are drawn too?  Will you be willing to sacrifice the opportunity to level up and meet those people?

Here’s the trick that I will share with you.  The ability to talk to the people you’re drawn to will only be developed if you get used to striking up a conversation with anyone.  Like any skill, this only comes up with practice.  You must practice striking a conversation with the everyday man.  Be genuinely interested with the strangers that you meet and start talking about a good thing that you notice about them.  People like hearing compliments, and everyone, even the ugliest or smelliest, or the nastiest looking person, will have something nice that you can bring up to them.  Maybe it’s their shirt.  Or maybe it’s their smile.  Or maybe it’s their well-groomed eyebrows.  Anything – give them a compliment and you will be able to strike up that conversation.

Do this every day.  Make it a habit.  Don’t think that you will only approach people you need something from.  Whenever you do that – you will notice that you’ll get tongue-tied.  You run out of things to say.  This anxiety of talking to people you need something from or from people you are attracted comes from you thinking of the high stakes involved.  In your mind, you are trying to make sure that you don’t get rejected and in the process of avoiding rejection, you lose your cool and you do get rejected. 

Now, think of the alternative mindset: you are talking to a stranger who is no different from the stranger that you spoke with yesterday.  In your mind, you think, “This is easy, I don’t need anything from this stranger.  I am giving him compliments because that’s what I do. I notice something nice about him similar to me noticing the lovely dress that the woman in the grocery store is wearing.”  

When you do this all the time – your charisma will be doubled.  You will really be deadly and may even be able to give Mr. Bond a run for his money for being suave and charismatic.

Talk to strangers.  Don’t be afraid of people.  The more people you interact with, the better you understand humanity.  The better you understand humanity, the better you understand yourself and that is golden.  When you understand yourself, everything that you can do you will do.

With  much love,

The 40-something Year old you

(Blogger's Note - this is 5th and last advice for the 30 year old me and was written as part of a really long letter found here.)

Listen to Your Dermatologist

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

You are vain.   You like looking at the mirror admiring the view.  You like the compliments that you get from boys and girls – compliments that surprise you – but also makes you feel affirmed that other people actually think you are as beautiful as you think you are.

You are beautiful but you really didn't take proper care of your skin when you were growing up.  So now you have big craters on your face that will put the man on the moon’s face to shame.  You also have regular break outs of pimples, black heads, white heads and even – ugh – warts.  Many times you think you’re 30 and you should be way past this pimple thing.  You are not.  A big part of the problem is the environment that you live in.  Manila is a dirty place.  The pollution in that city is horrible.  Another factor that prolongs your skin predicament is your diet.   Go back to item number two – eat healthful food and you will also clear up the pimple and the allergies.  Stop eating processed food!

Don’t protest to me and say that you’ve tried everything and it’s a lost cause.  It is not a lost cause – you are just too stubborn and you don’t listen to the many dermatologists you consult with.  How many times have you started going for diamond peel sessions and stop after five sessions?   Many times – right?   The thing is, like the investments that I talked about – the good results for your skin will only happen when you continue with the treatments.   Recognize that you have craters on your face the size of Texas and it will take multiple treatments for them to get better.  If you start with those treatments now  and continue on it for the next couple of years,  I will not have to photoshop those craters away from pictures I post on social networking sites.  

Listen to your dermatologist.  Work with her (they’re all female – at least the ones that I met).  Their magic potions can do wonders for your skin.   Stop listening to your friends when they recommend those moisturizing creams for you.  You are a complex individual and a specialist needs to take care of your skin for you.  Over the counter creams don’t work for you because your face produces so much oil that it may actually have been the Philippines’ answer to the energy crisis in the 80s.   The creams that finally have worked for you have contents like Tretinoin and AHA.   When you first start using these creams you will have really flaky skin.  Again, don’t listen to your friends who will tell you to stop using the cream.   After two weeks your face will normalize and you will start noticing the following:  better skin for you, tighter pores, and no pimple break out.

I am not sure if you have already encountered this song with a man talking to young graduating people convincing them to wear sunscreen.   You must listen to that man.  Sunscreen is your friend.   Sunscreen is your friend even if you don’t spend time outdoors.  You work with computers all day and those computer screens can progressively damage your skin from prolonged use because of the bad rays they emit.  So you must wear sunscreen.

Now I must tell you a secret. Thank the universe for making you Asian.  We have received a gift – which we will call the Dorian Grey effect.  You have met a guy named Dorian five years ago – and you know where this name comes from.  Dorian Grey is the man who didn’t age because he made a deal with Death.  So he looked young for a long time – while his picture (or painting) depicted his real age.  For someone like you – you will notice that you will stop aging.  People you meet will say – you don’t look a day over forty.  They are right.  Thank them for those comments.  You will look young for a long time – but I must warn you.  The Dorian Grey effect comes with an expiration date.  When you reach the age of sixty – if you are like most people who benefit from this gift – you will age fast after that.   I have not received the letter from my sixty your old self so I’m not sure if this will happen to me. But please, I ask you to help me slow that aging process down and start working with your dermatologist now.   Listen to her – continue with your monthly check-up, use her magic potions, and wear sunscreen.

With  much love,

The 40-something Year old you

(Blogger's Note - this is advice number 4 for the 30 year old me and was written as part of a really long letter found here.)

Start Investing Now

Dear 30 Year Old Me.

“Money. Money. Money.  Lots of Money.  It’s a rich man’s world”

Abba

So much has been written about money and I think that as I write this letter – I will come up with more popular (and some might even be unpopular) notions about money.  If I recall correctly (and being 41 does clog up my memories so I don’t always recall correctly) – at this age of 30 – you have made peace with money.  This is difficult for you to do because you grew up being educated by priests and nuns who made you think money is dirty. You also grew up not having a lot of money so your relationship with money in the past is as complicated as that mathematical equations you were solving in Calculus.  The thing is along with this notion of money being a taboo subject – you realized that with the good money you earn, you are able to help out – not just yourself but your family.  You have made peace at the thought of appreciating the abundance that has followed you ever since you started earning money.  So I’d say, good for you and your healthy relationship with money.

You will continue to earn good money in your job(s).  You’ve been blessed with so much talent that your bosses just recognize you by either giving you a raise or giving you a bonus.  Thing is – as much as money comes to you constantly – you’re not very good at keeping it.  I know that you want to be a millionaire – but at the rate you’re going with your expenses unchecked – it will take you a long time for you to be a millionaire.   Remember that a wise man once said – “It’s not about the money that you earn.  It’s all about the money that you keep.”   Start keeping some of that money – so you can use it for a rainy day (and I hope that the rainy day doesn’t come with you dancing topless in a club singing “It’s Raining Men!”).

For someone like you, investments must come with you not being able to touch those investments – no matter what.  So this can come in the form of real estate, retirement funds, stocks, bonds.  You will always be liquid because of your job --- so don’t worry about sinking your money in these investments because the returns – when you reach my age will just be awesome.

When you reach the age of 35 – you will meet this hot young real estate broker.  He used to do modeling but you will not recognize him – but when you meet him – google his name so you can find out that he’s a great catch.  You and he will not hook up.  You definitely like the way he looks but let’s just say that you wish you can have better conversations with him apart from him selling you the latest development that the company he works for is building.  Listen to him – while you gaze into those big brown eyes.   He will introduce you to two real estate investments that will make sense.  The reason it makes sense for you is the fact that the monthly payments are well within your budget.  There will be balloon payments every year – but it doesn’t matter because your bonuses will go to those balloon payments.   In the end – after five years – you will be fully paid.  No loans at all to take for these assets.  Because of these assets, you will be able to claim that you are a millionaire.  The key here is to never stop paying until you are fully paid.  You will hear your friends come up with dire predictions for the real estate market because of what will happen in the US real estate market --- don’t listen to them.  In the end – if you sink your money but you don’t get the property – that will be foolishness that will be too expensive to recover from.  Listen to Mr. Chinito and buy those pre-selling properties – and stick with the investment – five years of paying for them is a short time compared to the years ahead when you will actually own these pieces of real estate.

You are also getting yourself up nicely for retirement.  Thanks to your friends who introduce you to “Financial advisers”.   Every month – for the next ten years – you will pay for a retirement-cum-insurance package.  In fifteen years – that account will mature – and you will have a good sum of money for your nest egg.

Forced savings are also good for you.  Actually – if you look at the things that I just mentioned – a good investment for you is one where you feel trapped in making them.  You keep on writing the checks for it and when you budget your monthly expenses; you know that the money for those post-dated checks you have issued should not be touched.   So going back to forced savings – if your current employer has an employee cooperative – you must sign up and deposit to it regularly.

One last thing about money – there will be things in your life that will be unexpected.  Because of this, it will always be good to keep a healthy emergency fund.  The amount in that emergency fund should be equal to 6-months-worth of expenses including the amount that is written up in your investments as post-dated checks). Save that money – don’t touch that money – until you really hit an emergency (or if you’re lucky an opportunity to make more money).

But all in all – because you have been generous with the money you earn – the universe actually sees you in favorable light.  Invest for the future – but as much as you love money – don’t let your life revolve around it.  There are so many things that life has to offer – that goes beyond what money can buy.

With  much love,

The 40-something Year old you

(Blogger's Note - this is advice number 3 for the 30 year old me and was written as part of a really long letter found here.)

Stop Eating Processed Food

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

Look back at your life and think of when you were the fattest.   I’ll give you a hint – you lived in Houston – at least part of it was in Houston.  You were still young – so it’s not slowed down metabolism that made you fat.  You were supposed to be eating healthy and people admired you for supposedly eating healthy.   Yup – you got it!  You were fattest (and least healthy) – when you were vegetarian.  But the truth of the matter is as a vegetarian,  you were not really eating a lot of vegetables.  Remember when you said you can eat as many cookies as you want because there's no meat in those cookies?  You were less a vegetarian but more like a Processed Food addict.

It's hard to accept the truth but I want you to recall those times. Take note – you were eating plant-based food products (except for eggs and dairy – so you were Ovo-Lacto-Vegetarian).   Can you recall what you ate in that period of your life?   Kangkong (water spinach) – check!  Lettuce – check!  Nuts – check!  Fruits – check!   Those food items comprised 20% of what you ate – and those are really good things to eat.  You also ate rice – and pasta – and potatoes.  So that’s maybe an additional 10% of at least good food.   How about the remaining 70%?   You pigged out on Chips, 4-cheese Pizza,  Cookies, Donuts, Cakes,  and a lot of things that come in a can or box with ingredients that you don’t recognize or can’t even pronounce.   You didn’t eat animal meat – but you ate zombified food (that’s what I call it – because they should really be called food for the undead).   You weren’t vegetarian – you were a processed food junkie.  That diet made you fat and sick.

Here’s the thing – you have lost all that extra weight when you started eating meat again and following a tight exercise regimen.  You were not very good at being a vegetarian - so I'm happy you quit that nonsense.  Some people, those who who actually eat vegetables and enjoy it are meant to be vegetarian - not you.

Here’s the thing, before you reach your forties – you will gain weight again.  You will also be sickly.  Your allergic reactions will be tough to manage.   You continue to exercise and you will think – why am I still not healthy?  It’s not what you thought you will feel because you exercise a lot and go to the gym a lot.   You have a trainer that you hire – but you will still be fat.  The kicker here is the fact that you think that the good habit of working out compensates for the times that you will eat processed junk.

Fast forward to this year in your life (I’m 41).   I have discovered a new way of eating.  It’s called the Paleo diet (that’s pronounced Peyleyow – think of the word Paleonthology).   The premise of this diet is that man (or woman) should really be eating food that he can forage or hunt.  According to its proponents, the human physiology is not meant to consume large amount of food that comes in a box with a thousand ingredients.  Humans should really be eating food that is an ingredient (or what we will call whole food).   These are the examples of whole food – sweet potato – and chicken – and beef – and lettuce – and spinach – and nuts.  The Paleo diet means choosing to eat these food items and choosing not to eat processed food.

Paleo is not just about banning processed food in your diet.  Apart from processed food – according to the Paleo experts and practitioners – foraged food – also means not eating the grains that we farm.  This also means not eating animal meat that has been fed grains.  So if you eat beef - it better be beef that consumes grass and not corn feed.  Humans have lived millions of years foraging or hunting for food – and it is just in the last hundreds of years where we discovered agriculture and the convenience of planting and eating grains in large scale.   In this grains category – falls food items like rice, wheat, anything made of rice and wheat like bread and pasta and rice noodles.  So with the Paleo diet I stopped eating processed food and grains.  What are the results – you ask.  Not only did I get to a healthy weight level --- I can truly say that I've never been healthier (less sick) – in my life.

There are many people who are so opposed to this diet.  A lot of its critics take note that if the cave man’s diet is so healthy – why is it that their life expectancy is a lot shorter?  There are definitely other factors to be considered there – Science is one of them.  Mr. and Mrs. Caveman died of communicable diseases that science has not found a cure for yet.  But I doubt that many of them die of diseases that we have right now --- like diabetes (or its complications), heart disease, or allergies (or not being able to breathe because of extreme allergic reaction).   I bet they died of natural causes – or they died because a bear ate them, or they got poisoned or they may have fallen off a cliff or froze to death during the winters --- but not because they were unhealthy.   Hey – I know I’m reaching here – and this weird story about cavemen might not actually be convincing you to hear me out.    But hear me out with the  next thing I’m going to tell you that may actually convince you to try eating Paleo.

I have lost most of the weight that I gained in my late 30s – and I’m now back to wearing 30 inch waistline pants (from wearing 36 inch waistline pants size).   That got your attention didn’t it – Mr. Vanity?   I have also addressed one thing that you suffer from – HANGRY.  That’s a new word for you.  Hangry is that edginess or anger  that  you feel when you have not eaten your 10:00 am snack or your 3:00 pm snack even if you had a good breakfast or lunch.   You actually get hangrier and hangrier when you don’t eat (too bad you don’t turn into a hulk – he’s actually cuter and cuddlier than the monster you transform to when you get hangry).  Eating Paleo keeps you full for longer periods of time.  No more sugar crashing experience.  No more hangry.  For the sake of the people you love and work with – at least try Paleo so you don’t turn into the Hangry monster.

Eating Paleo has also eliminated the congestion that I used to feel in my sinus passageways in the morning.   This is a big thing my young self.  You actually eliminated a lot of things in your life because of your attempt to cure your sinusitis problems.   You quit smoking.   That didn’t help because you still have a clogged sinus in the morning every day after you quit smoking.   You quit coffee and switched to tea – no effect on your allergies.  You got LASIK – to quit – contact lens – but you still have a clogged sinus when you wake up.  Your doctor even told you to quit your dogs --- which you will never do because you love your dogs (that’s a whole story best to discuss in another letter).   Then you discovered Paleo and quit processed food and grains --- especially wheat --- and one day you will wake up and say, "Hey --- where did the allergy go?"

So my dear young one – listen to me.  Stop eating processed food.  Stop eating grains (especially wheat).  You can still have them once a week (but I warn you – the processed food hangover – can be as bad as an alcohol hangover – so moderation is the key to avoiding those terrible hangovers).   Monday to Saturday – eat whole foods.  Good healthful food will do wonders for you.

With  much love,

The 40-something Year old you

(Blogger's Note - this is advice number 2 for the 30 year old me and was written as part of a really long letter found here.)

Come out of the Closet

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

What!?!?  You’re still in the closet?  Honey , tsk, tsk, tsk (smh), you have wasted your 20s by not coming out.  As they say – youth is wasted on the young.  I know that you know that you like men.  I know that you can relate to Will Truman’s character.  I know that you can’t relate to Joey De Leon’s depiction of a gay character (and frankly you will look hideous in drag) but nonetheless you are gay. You like men and you must embrace this wonderful gayness that you are.

You are a successful man. You have learned how to lead people in your youth and because of that experience – you will continue to be successful and will continue to lead other people who trust in your capabilities.  This is why you need to learn how to lead yourself.  Tell yourself to stop being a whiner. Stop imagining that bad things will happen to you, and your friends, and your career if you come out.   Take your hand and open that proverbial gay closet door and come out.  Believe me when I say to you that admitting to yourself, and your friends, and your family, and your colleagues that you are gay is going to be fantastic.

Help me with this exercise by looking at your recent pictures.   Just look at maybe 10 of them.  Look closely at that face --- don’t you think you look constipated?  You do.  Honey, you look constipated because you have all these pent up feelings inside – of not being able to express how you feel.  

When you come out --- you will be able to express your love for fashion,  your love for everything Martha Stewart (even if at your time she just got convicted and is serving her sentence in jail),  your passion for everything beautiful ,  and last but not the least – you’re desire to be Papa Piolo’s husband.   Look at yourself in those pictures again – and see that constipated look.   Now grab a mirror and look at yourself and say these words to that reflection in the mirror: “I am gay.  You are gay.”   Wow! That’s the first step to coming out.  Admitting and accepting who you are is the first step to this liberating exercise.  Don’t you look less constipated now?

Now you can start telling a select set of your friends.  It is not going to be easy --- but listen to these wise words used for the gay youth like you: “It gets better”.

With Much Love,

The 40-something Year old you

(Blogger's Note - this is advice number 1 for the 30 year old me and was written as part of a really long letter found here.)

Dear 30 Year Old Me

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

I am writing this letter because I’m trying to think of writing something useful as a 40-something year old man for 40-something year old people but realized that it is actually very presumptive of me to think that I can write advice on how to live this fifth decade of my life when I’m just starting to live it.  Then it hit me that I've finished living through my 30s and learned a lot of things in those 10 years.   Of course, my 30 year old self will not benefit from it (unless time travel suddenly becomes a reality) – but it doesn't matter – I decided that I will still write this letter to you.  First I want to let you know that we turned out alright.  You didn't die of any debilitating disease.   You’re actually very happy and content.   Your confidence in your capabilities has continued to grow.   And one last thing; in your forties, you've never looked better than you did all your life.  But hey – you didn't get to this state without hard work, patience, good vibes, help, friends, family and faith.

I’m going to try to read your mind but I guess I don’t really need to because I am you and you are me.  I bet you want to ask me right now “Knowing what you know now – what should I have done or not done to make it better for me when I’m forty?”   Well, if I tell you about the things that I think I should have done or not done in my 30s; this exercise may turn out into an exercise on regret.   I will answer your question but not out of regret because if there’s one thing that I know now regret is a futile act.  You cannot turn back time and thinking of the wouldda-shouldda-couldda does not result in changing one’s life.  I will try to answer your question not in the spirit of regret but in the spirit of taking inventory of the lessons in life that I am grateful for.   

There are so many lessons but I would like to write about the five lessons that you must learn now.   The other lessons, my young Jedi self, you will learn in the future.  I am hoping that this strong inspiration that I feel right now will revisit me in the not so distant future and I end up sharing a lot more lessons than the five that I share now.

Let us start.  Read on my young self.

     1.  Come Out of the Closet

What!?!?  You’re still in the closet?  Honey , tsk, tsk, tsk (smh), you have wasted your 20s by not coming out.  As they say – youth is wasted on the young.  I know that you know you like men.  I know that you can relate to Will Truman’s character.  I know that you can’t relate to Joey De Leon’s depiction of a gay character (and frankly you will look hideous in drag) but nonetheless you are gay. You like men and you must embrace this wonderful gayness that you are.  (Read More. Follow this link)

2.  Stop Eating Processed Food

Look back at your life and think of when you were the fattest.   I’ll give you a hint – you lived in Houston.  You were supposed to be eating healthy and people admired you for supposedly eating healthy.   Yup – you got it!  You were fattest (and least healthy) – when you were vegetarian.  But the truth of the matter is as a vegetarian,  you were not really eating a lot of vegetables.  Remember when you said you can eat as many cookies as you want because there's no meat in those cookies?  You were less a vegetarian but more like a Processed Food addict.  Processed food makes you fat even if there's no animal product in that food. (Read More. Follow this link)

3.  Start Investing Now

“Money. Money. Money.  Lots of Money.  It’s a rich man’s world”

Abba

So much has been written about money and I think that as I write this letter – I will come up with more popular (and some might even be unpopular) notions about money.  If I recall correctly (and being 40-something does clog up my memories so I don’t always recall correctly) – at the age of 30 – you have made peace with money.  This is difficult for you to do because you grew up being educated by priests and nuns who made you think money is dirty. You also grew up not having a lot of money so your relationship with money in the past is as complicated as that mathematical equations you were solving in Calculus.  However, with all these complications,  you also realized that with the good money you earn, you are able to help out – not just yourself but your family.  You have made peace at the thought of appreciating the abundance that has followed you ever since you started earning money.  So I’d say, good for you and your healthy relationship with money.  You're earning good money.  Now - stop spending all of them and start saving and investing for the future.  (Read More.  Follow this link.)

4.  Listen to Your Dermatologist

You are vain.   You like looking at the mirror and wondering why you have not been coupled by now.  You like the compliments that you get from boys and girls – compliments that surprise you – but also makes you feel affirmed that other people actually think you are as beautiful as you think you are. However, every time you look at your face you see the pock marks left by very bad acne infestation when you were a teenager.  People told you to consult with a dermatologist to deal with the pimples, and blackheads, and whiteheads.  No use moping in one corner for not listening to that great advice however, you must listen to this advice now.  You must consult with a dermatologist now and listen to her so you can take better care of your skin to ensure that you continue to look youthful in your 40s and beyond.  (Read More. Follow this link.)

5.  Talk to Strangers

“This week I discovered a terrible disease called loneliness”

“You see, when children are young, they’re told not to talk to strangers.  When they go to school, they’re told not to talk to the person next to them.  Finally when they’re old, they’re told not to talk to themselves, who’s left?”

Mork of Mork and Mindy

I think you’re too young to recognize where this quote came from.  I only know about it because some people in my Facebook feed (a Social Networking site that will get really big) have posted it as one of the quotes from Mork and Mindy.  The actor who played Mork has just died.  That actor is Robin Williams and as you know he played the roles of many unforgettable characters. He touched so many of our lives in those roles. Thing is – as much as millions of people are mourning his death, I think that his death emphasizes a sad truth for all of us mortals – all of us die alone.  Hopefully though – even if you are alone in your death – you live a full life surrounded by people you love, people you adore, and people you care for.  In your 40s you are not alone but you like settling in with the people you are comfortable with. That's a shame because there are so many people out there to meet who could be your friends, or business partners or maybe even your life partner but right now they are strangers to you.  So one skill you need to start developing is how to talk to strangers.  Talk to these strangers because they will open possibilities for you.  (Read more.  Follow this link.)

That’s it – those are the key lessons you should learn right now.   Start with these five lessons and focus on them.  They are not easy lessons to act upon.  Some of them you might think are trivial.  Some of them might seem insane. You must however understand that I, your forty year old self, have the benefit of hindsight.  Hindsight is always 20-20.  So hopefully you will listen to me.

I wish the best of luck to you young lad.

Best Regards – and with much love,

The Forty Year Old You