The Practice of Mindfulness

Dear Timmy,

In a previous letter, I have revealed to you one of my problems.  I'm a chronic procrastinator.  I am actively trying to deal with this problem and I thought it would be good to share with you some of the remedies that I have stumbled upon that can help fix the problem.  Today,  I share with you the practice of mindfulness.  If you try to research what it is -- you find out that the concept of Mindfulness is something that is rooted in the teachings of Buddha and Enlightenment.  From the book: "Procrastination: Why you do it and What to Do About it Now" - one definition of Mindfulness that made a lot of sense in my mind is the following: 

Mindfulness refers to "paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non judgmentally."

In today's world, practicing mindfulness is especially difficult - given the many things that can get us distracted.  Growing up - I actually took pride over my supposed ability to study and watch TV at the same time.  As I became an adult,  I found myself thinking of that experience and I tell myself that if I can't get two things at the same time --- then I am not trying hard enough.  The problem of course is that when I try to do more than one thing at a time, I end up not doing any of them well.

The other problem that I encounter when I have to accomplish something is that I end up thinking about other things, while I do it.  So from the outside - it seems like I'm not multi-tasking.  But the truth is - for example - when I started to learn how to play golf,  in every stroke - I end up thinking of the tasks that I have not completed.  Or I daydream of the day that I would be good at golf.  When I do this - I end up not doing it well. 

Staying in the present - and practicing mindfulness requires focusing on the activity that you currently are doing.  If there are thoughts that come - you can let go of them and acknowledge them as just thoughts - don't dwell on it.   Instead - observe the input that your different senses feed your brain.  I tried practicing this - even for five minutes at a time - when I eat, while driving, while writing this blog.   The great thing about experiencing it even for five minutes - I realize that the food tastes better and I find that eating itself becomes enjoyable.  The same is true for driving and writing my blog.

One activity that this was especially helpful was when I picked up golf lessons.  I wrote earlier that my previous experience of trying to play golf is not that enjoyable because I could not concentrate on the task at hand and I end up not playing well.  While I was doing my lessons - I paid attention to everything.  I paid attention to how my hands grip the golf club.  I pay attention to my stance.  I pay attention to the instructions that my instructor was giving - then I execute.  There are moments I don't do it well - which is fine because I'm so tuned to the activity that I knew instinctively what adjustments I can make.  The great thing about this - apart from progressing well in my golf game is that I ended up enjoying it - unlike how I felt about it before.

Now,  I try to practice mindfulness in all the activities that I do.  I don't always succeed because I sometimes forget - but when I do remember I stay at the present moment.  I practice mindfulness while I'm eating - and I cherish the taste, the texture, and the aroma of the food.   I practice mindfulness while I write.  I don't watch TV while I blog - I just think of the things that I have to write - and the words just flow.  I practice mindfulness when I'm having conversations - and I end up understanding the people that I talk to - a lot better than when my mind is tentative.  And with this - I enjoy and maximize each experience.

It's really a neat trick to learn.  I encourage you to try it.  Be present in the moments that matter.  These days, one popular mantra is YOLO (You Only Live Once). Although I don't subscribe to the foolishness that is attached to the most popular manifestations of this mantra - I think that if you think of YOLO - it will be a shame to live this life without truly experiencing the beautiful moments that we encounter.

With much Love,

The Forty You.

Living with Our Parents

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

It's a Saturday morning.  I didn't have any Friday night plans - which is really good because I had a restful sleep.  I need that after the busy week that I just had.

Writing to you is an odd experience because I feel a lot of contradicting things inside as a write these letters.  Right now,  I tell myself, I ran out of ideas to write about.  As I type on my Macbook (yes - you became an Apple Fan boy), and the letters start to appear onscreen - a gazillion ideas just pop up in my mind and then I tell myself I don't know where to start.  In the past, when I feel these contradicting feelings, I just freeze and  stop what I'm doing and tell myself that it's not worth it. These days, I've learned how to fight it.  The confused feelings don't last long and when they are lifted from my mind, I get to focus and actually complete the task at hand.

I thought I would start today by reminding you that I'm your Forty year old self.  So I can see your future.  Quirky idea isn't it?  We are sci-fi fans so we know there's danger involved when the future person reveals details to their past persona.  That's just science fiction - so I will disregard it and still reveal this tiny bit of detail about my life now.  I am now living with Papa and Mama in the same house.  For almost 10 years, I lived on my own, but when I moved to Baguio for a job, I told Papa that I want him and Mama to move to Baguio with me.  If there's one thing that I learned from our brief stint in the US - I really can't live far away from my family.  I'm a drifter.  I don't like keeping in touch.  I don' like long phone calls.  I don't write e-mails.  And when I was in the US,  I realized that when I stop keeping in touch,  one day I wanted to talk to our folks and realize that I did not  know how to.  This time,  I didn't want to put myself and our parents in the same situation so I resolved to ask our folks to move with us.  They were very happy to do so - given that the destination will be good for them.   Papa, Mama and I all packed our bags - along with our two dogs then (the third one joined us when we were already in Baguio) - then we settled in the City of Pines.

Living together under one roof wasn't much of a challenge.  At this age, all of us already treat each other as adults.  You see, I find that in most dysfunctional parent and child relationships, the parents treat their sons and daughters as if the latter were children.  The children resent these interactions but they actually commit the same "crime" against their parents.  As the parents get older, and lose some of their faculties ( and we're lucky - Mama and Papa are strong physically and mentally ) - the children start treating their parents like the latter were children.   There's a lot of horror in those types of interactions and my advice to you - when you get to this time in your life.  Remind yourself - and your parents that you all are adults and treat each other as such.

I am sorry I don't have a list of three to five things that I want to share with you today.  I just thought that it was nice to just talk to you about our lives.   Wait - I lied - I don't have three pieces of advice but I have one.  When you start living with Mama and Papa - you will realize that you missed their home cooked meals.  This will lead you to gorge on every meal that your mom cooks for you.   May I remind you that you love every fattening and carb-full recipe that she can concoct.  Like many other things that you consume - please practice moderation.  Otherwise - you will end up a fatty with very high bad cholesterol levels in your blood.

I hope you're reading this on a weekend as I am writing it on a Saturday morning.  I don't have plans for today.  I just want to walk the dogs this morning.  Get some supplies for my week's salad and shakes downtown.  Then - maybe write more letters to you.

Before I end this - I was thinking it would be fun to give you a nickname.  I settled on Timmy (Thiry-Me contacted).  I'm being silly I know but it's a lot shorter than writing the full phrase - 30-year-old-me.

Anyways - Timmy - I love the ring of that - I will end this letter (like any conversations on the phone I don't know how to end letters).  I hope that you really have a great weekend.

With much love,

Forty Year Old You.

The Procrastinator

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

In this letter - I will give you a different name - because I'm going to reveal something about us/me that I've been trying to address but shamefully could not fully resolve.  Most of the time,  I take two steps forward and one step back.  The progress is very slow - and I thought it would be therapeutic to just openly admit it ( but still hide my true identity via a pseudonym ).

 Hi.  You can call me Joey.  I am a procrastinator.  

You will not be able to tell that I have a problem just by looking at me,  I seem to be a very successful guy,  I hold an important position in the company I work for.  I earn enough money to live a comfortable life and even help with my family's expenses (parents, siblings - I am not married and I don't have kids).  There are people who know me and can honestly say that they admire me.

The thing is,  I am not all that.  I have a deep seated problem that I am trying to overcome.  In the English language - you call it procrastination.  In our culture (being Filipino) - we call it the mañana habit.  Manana is the Spanish word for tomorrow.  Putting these English and Filipino concepts together,  we can then say that procrastination is the habit of putting off till tomorrow important activities that should be done today.  For most procrastinators like me,  tomorrow comes and we  will once again say "I will just do it tomorrow".

I am currently in the process of kicking the habit.  I woke up one day realizing that my life is a bit of a mess and all that I currently have: the good job, the respect of other people, the money that I use to support myself and my family - are in danger of just vanishing into thin air if I continue to procrastinate.

I know that I am not alone in trying to overcome the Mañana habit,  Millions of people are afflicted by this 'disease'.  You may be surprised that I use such a strong word,  If you are in my shoes you will understand why I call it a disease,  Procrastination is like cancer that eats up your insides every time you get into a situation when your procrastination causes stress in your life.  In fact,  it is not uncommon for me to whisper to myself "Kill me now," when I miss the many deadlines that I encounter in my life of procrastination,

I will continue to write in these letters this life of procrastination.  I am hoping that it will help me get the important things done once and for all.   I do hope that as you read this, you can help me by giving words of encouragement as I go through this difficult process.  If anything I say sounds familiar because you have gone through the same experience,  tell me about it.  Are you trying to overcome procrastination problems as well?  Let's try to help each other out.

Hi.  I'm Joey.  I am a Procrastinator.

With much love,

The 40 Year Old you.

How I Quit Smoking

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

Smoking was the habit that I had a hard time quitting.  I'm happy to report that in the end - I actually quit it.  I have not smoked for five years now.  To be honest - I've quit and picked up the habit for three times already in my lifetime.  I'm pretty sure - that this time it will stick.  Why?  I have actually reached that part of my life where the supposed benefit of smoking is already irrelevant.

I know you will scour the internet searching for nuggets of wisdom in your own quest for kicking the habit.  Different quitters have different techniques.  I'm sharing the techniques that worked for me:

1.  State the Reason for Quitting

When I started to think about quitting --- I listed down the many reasons why I would like to quit.  I was concerned about my health - so that's part of the list.  I remember being able to run for miles or play badminton without losing my breath when I wasn't smoking.  When I picked up the habit - doing any athletic activity is a struggle.   I also thought about my dogs - whose health and well being are very important to me.  They live a fraction of our lifetime.  Thinking of how they will suffer through second hand smoke in their lifetime was a pretty compelling argument to kick the habit.

Those were important reasons - but for me the most immediate reason why I wanted to quit is the smoker's hack that goes with smoking.  Every morning when I wake up and go to the shower --- I had phlegm in my throat that I had to expel  It's yucky, disgusting and INCONVENIENT.   For me - Convenience is actually something that I value - so if I had to get up in the morning going through this hacking - then I'd rather quit smoking.

2.  Just Quit - Cold Turkey

The three times that I actually quit smoking ( or stopped smoking long term ) - I just quit - cold turkey.  This last time wasn't different.   I started with day 1 - not picking up a stick of cigarette.  That 1 day turned into 2 days.  Then it became three - then a week - then a month - then a year.

The times that I actually tried to quit by cutting down wasn't that successful.  I used to smoke a pack and a half a day.  I said - I'll try to cut down gradually.   What I found is that after going down to a pack --- I will lose count and before I know it - I will be back to a pack and a half a day.

When I quit cold turkey --- the craving can be really strong.  But you know what?  The craving actually just stays for under a minute.  A good way to deal with this craving - is the next item that I will be talking about.

3.  When you Feel the Craving - Just Breathe

Cravings are very difficult to deal with.  You feel antsy.  You're mouth waters ( similar to my experience of seeing a New York Cheesecake in the pastry stand at Starbucks ).  What helps in dealing with the cravings is breathing - and focusing on one's breathing.   Breath in - count 1 - breath out - count 2.  Repeat that - until you feel that the craving is all gone.   For me it lasts from 10 seconds to sometimes a full two minutes before the craving goes away.

4.  Stay Away from people or situations that lead you to pick up the stick

My best friend smokes as heavily as I did.  She lived in the same house that I did.  We also worked for the same company.  So this advice was not easy to follow even for me.  So what I had to do to stay away is to make sure that I'm not in the same room during the first couple of weeks of my quitting routine whenever she smokes.   I also stopped hanging out with her during her smoking break.  She also understood that I was trying to quit - so she stopped asking me to go with her during those breaks.

Smoking - is a social habit for me.  I got a lot of good friends from hanging out with other people who smoke.  So being able to stay away from them - also removes the positive reinforcement that I get from smoking.  I realized - I can still hang out with them - even without joining them for their smoking break.

5.  Pick up a Healthy Habit that replaces Smoking

Since I quit smoking -- I found that I can actually breathe a lot better.  I also noticed that I can do physical activities with ease.   So I started to pick up my exercise routine.  Instead of doing it for just once a week,  I noticed that I can actually do it regularly ( at least every other day ).

These are the techniques that worked for me.  As I said - some people may not actually do the same things that I did to kick the habit.   Note that it's not easy - but once you get beyond a day of not smoking --- it would be good to think "I've made it through one day --- what's another day of being without a cigarette?".   You can repeat that to yourself everyday and soon enough you will find that you don't even have to think about smoking at all.

With Much Love,

The 40 Year Old You

Getting Lucky

A member of my/our team once asked me, "How did you create opportunities for yourself?"  I asked him what he meant by that question.   He said, "It seems like you've been fairly successful in your career,  how did you get to where you are right now?"

It's a point that I had to ponder upon.  I gave him my responses during our conversation and gave him key points.  After that meeting - I sat down and started to think of the best way to answer the original question:   How does one create opportunity?

My answer - sometimes you just need to get L.U.C.K.Y.

Learn - Where can you find opportunity?  What are the skills you need to succeed?

Undertake the necessary action.  Opportunity knocks - and you have to open the door for it.  Carry out what needs to be done to grab the opportunity

Create and Prepare the groundwork.  People don't build wealth overnight.  They start with savings (whether it's money, relationships, or emotional bank accounts) with the first step.  Over time the investment gets bigger.   

Kindness can bring good Karma.   Open yourself up to the needs of other people.

Yes is a powerful word.  How many opportunities have you turned down because you thought it was difficult?