Just Believe

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

One of my favorite authors: "Brene Brown" writes and talks about Gremlins.  These refer to the voices that play out in our heads when we want to do something that exposes our vulnerable self.   One of the Gremlin tapes is "You're not good enough."   The other Gremlin tape is "Who do you think you are"?

I know these Gremlins all too well.  I hear them when I work and I hear them when I try to meet up with men that I'm interested in.   At work - it had been easy to shut them up.   I guess - you can say that I've survived so many challenges at work - that I have learned to hustle my way through the situations which trigger the Gremlins' persistent nagging.

The challenge lies with my dating life.  You see - I've grown up being told that I am an ugly fart.  I've been told that I am not attractive.   I have also had pimples on my face - and every movie out there where the protagonist is portrayed as ugly - has portrayed ugly with "artificial" pimples planted on their face.   The thing is - it might be fake pimples for those actors and actresses - but that was my reality.

Just recently - when I asked someone "Why do you think I have not been in a relationship?"  The response I got, "I think because your standards are too high."   This response immediately hit my ego - and I retorted back, "But shouldn't I have standards?   Should I just settle for someone even if I'm not attracted to them?"   After the defensiveness faded - the Gremlins started talking and kept on telling me,  "You're not good enough for the men that you like."   And the other Gremlin kept on saying,  "Why do you even try hitting on those attractive men,   who you think you are?"

These voices - definitely torment me and can actually lead me to do stupid things.   The actions I take fall into three categories.   One - I numb the pain.  I numb it often by shopping and buying things that I don't need or things that I think attractive people use or endorse in their commercials or instagram accounts.   Two - I find validation from other people - usually by logging onto Grindr or other online dating apps and immersing myself in praises and adulation of men that I don't really like.  The worst thing that I can do is to go on a date with these men - just to counter the pain I feel from feeling unattractive.   Lastly - I do stupid things just to be noticed by the men that I find attractive - and making a fool of myself by pretending to be cool in front of them even if what I'm doing is clearly an awkward fit for how I'm perceived by most people.

But my dear friend - I want you to learn from my mistakes.   The three actions that I have written above - is not how you deal with the pain and the torment of the Gremlins in your head.   You must answer this question: "Whose voice do you think are the Gremlin voices coming from."   What I mean by this is that - who is telling you "Who do you think you are?"   Is it your Mom?   Is it your Dad?   Is it your best friend?   At the moment in time that you think of these thoughts - who is physically telling you this?   Isn't it that the answer to this is that - nobody but you?    So the Gremlin voices are not external voices.   They are voices coming from within.    You are the one who is telling yourself that you are not good enough.  To quiet those voices - you need to tell yourself to just shut up.

One too many times,  all of us will hear other people say, "You must believe in yourself."   It gets repeated so many times that we have actually thought that it's just something people say to make other people feel better - but it doesn't really mean anything.  Recently,  I have come to realize - that statement - as much as it is a cliche - has a lot of truth behind it.   This is the reason why I hear it over and over again - because it is the universe telling me that it is a fundamental truth.   To experience joy - true joy - in what we do in our careers and in what we do in our love life - we must believe in our self.   We must believe that we are lovable and stop second guessing other people when they say that you are a being worthy of love - because we are.   We are good enough.   The Gremlins can continue to say what they want to say - but our resolution is strong enough to overcome those voices - until they sound like comedic small voices that are to be laughed at.

My friend - you will find that there will be times that you will meet people who will actually flat out reject you.   The thing is the feedback that you get from those people is a reflection more of what they are thinking about the world that they live in and the world that they grew up in and it is not a reflection of you - you can be a magnificent beautiful unicorn - but someone who has been trampled on by unicorns when they were young may actually see you as a rhinoceros.

It may still take years for you to truly accept this universal truth that you are worthy of love.   That's okay.   It isn't important when you wake up from the bad dream that you're currently living.   What is important is that you do wake up eventually.   Listen to the universe as it sends messengers around you reinforcing the beauty that you possess.   And when you wake up from the bad dream - I promise you,  you will find the love that you have been searching for all your life.

With much Love,

The Forty Year Old You

Fall in Love More Often

Dear Thirty Year Old Me

You don't fall in love often.  You actually fall in love only when you decide that it's time to fall in love.  The problem of course that you encounter with that premise is that - because you are opent ot falling in love at that time - the poor soul that you direct that affection towards becomes the receipient of this longing energy.

Here's the thing - you are actually a very attractive man.  DOn't let all the rejections you have previously received fool you.   YOu are attractive - but everytime you fall in love - you become unattractive in the eyes of the person you fall in love with.

The unattractiveness is not physical.  It actually has something to do with the energy that you bring foth which makes you not whole.

YOu are not whole because you tend to communicate that you are unwhole unless you actually get the affection of the person of your affection.

SO - this is my advice to you.  The next time you fall in love.  Cherish the feeling.  But make sure that you understand that you don't need the object of your affection to return that feeling for you to cherish the beauty that you experiene from that feeling.

You are definitely more than the desire for that feeling to be returned towards you.

THe other advice I have for you - is that you must fall in love more often.  That's the only way you can practice the appropriate skills that should come your way when you fall in love.  The skill of expressing your affection.  The skill of reining in the feeling.  The skill of dealing with the rejection.

fall in love often - and one day - the object of your affection will return that affection your way.

With most love

The forty year old you

Jump Off a Cliff

Dear Thirty-Year-Old-Me,

You live in a lot of fear.   There's just so much of them that seems to drive your life.  It can be as catastrophic as the fear of getting on a plane ( which - congratulations - you still get on a plane even if it scares you ).  It can be as mundane as the fear of opening your e-mail and reading a customer complaining about the service that he/she received from your team.

You are one ball of fear - electrified so much that mostly - you just decide not to do anything that you think you don't need to.   Decisions are being made for you by other people or you actually just end up in a conundrum that you just have no choice but to do something.

The good news is that - you seem to have guardian angels that make your life still interesting even if you are not in charge of it.   So all is well and good for you.

Here's the thing - one day - in your forties - you will wake up that you finally want to explore being brave.

Most people actually think that your recent actions are just products of the mid-life crisis.  I bet you are being washed over by shame at the thought of you falling into the typical definition of someone in his middle age - and gallivanting around town with orange hair or an m&m colored Ferrari.   I have news for you kid - you are that guy.  You don't have orange hair - but your hair is styled like the teenager that you never were.

I don't know how it started - but I know when you actually realized that fear can be conquered.   It started when you jumped off a 20-foot cliff in Siquijor - the land of the witches.   That trip was magical.   You know that you don't like planning vacations - but in this particular case - you decided to book the trip and asked your best friend if she wanted to come.   You loved the trip ( and your best friend hated it ).   That trip transformed a lot of your perspectives about life.

So going back to the 20-foot-cliff jump.   You were scared to jump.   You actually jumped off a 10-foot water fall that morning - and that jump actually hurt and you felt stupid after that because it was kind of hard to swim back to shore after that jump.  So you thought to yourself that afternoon - do I really want to risk this jump?

When the time came for you to jump - you actually brought into your mind the following dialogue - inspired by one of your favorite authors: Elizabeth Gilbert - when she talks about fear.   This is what you told fear:

"Mr. Fear.  Thank you for coming with me in this journey.   Like most days - I really have to give it to you because you are doing an exceptional job of telling me that what I'm about to do is stupid.  Here's the thing - I am actually very much curious about the outcome of me jumping off this cliff.  That curiosity is so strong that I know I would forever regret this opportunity to jump if I listen to you.   So again - I thank you for coming along - but I got to say - I got this.   I will jump off this cliff."

After saying that in your head - you stepped off the ledge.  Nope - you didn't jump.  You just stepped off the ledge and let gravity do it's job.   When your body hit the water - it was still painful and you ended up with a sore shoulder for weeks.   But I tell you - the euphoric feeling that you experienced as you traveled on air and as you hit the water --- there's no other feeling that matches that.   It was a great feeling.

With the experience of jumping off the cliff - that became a metaphor for a lot of the things that you decided to do after that.   For example - you wanted to see how you will look with light brown hair.  So you decided to just do it.    You decided to ask that good looking guy out - so you did.    You wanted to go to a leadership training and ask your boss to sponsor the training - so you asked.

Maybe you are indeed going through mid-life crisis now in your forties.   I'm telling you - crisis it may be --- it's one helluva ride that you're going through.  If - you find this inspiration a lot earlier in your life - listen to that inspiration.   I'd be very much interested in what the outcome will be if you listen to it earlier.

With so Much Love,
The Forty Year Old You

Baggage

“You have so much baggage.”

“What?”  I exclaimed.

“Honey,  you have so much baggage - or luggage - or whatever the English language calls all of these bags in your attic.”

I can’t believe that the voice in my head is nagging me about the bags in my attic.  I admit - I have many bags - but I have an excuse - I travel a lot for business and each one of those bags have served me well in my  trips.   Of course - I’m lying - at most the sport trunk from Rimowa and the in-cabin trolley from Samsonite are the most utilized bags - and all the others are there in case I have a special trip that will require me to use it.

For example - for trips to the beach - the soft-side blue bag that I bought when I had too much stuff to carry in one of my trips to India - is the perfect bag.  It’s the lightest bag that I have and when I don’t want to have any checked luggage for those four day trips to Boracay - it’s the perfect bag.

The red clamshell Samsonite bag is perfect when I am traveling to Hong Kong, or Singapore, or Malaysia.  You see - the number of clothes that I take to my international trips is directly proportional to the number of miles that I will earn for that trip.  So the Rimowa trunk is the right size for US and European trips.  The Samsonite bag is the perfect size for trips around Asia.

“I don’t have too much baggage.  I just have enough for the demanding travel that I do for my job.”   I am now yelling at the disapproving voice in my head.  As if yelling at the voice will silence it.

“What about this green bag? Why do you keep this?” 

Oh.  That bag.  I can’t believe you spotted that, you sneaky voice-in-my-head.   I hid that behind all of these boxes because it’s a reminder of a temporary lapse in my judgment during a trip to KL.   I bought one too many skinny jeans in KL - and they would not fit in the Samsonite - so I bought that ugh-ly bag so I can carry all of my wonderful skinny jeans (which by the way are now too big for me because I lost a lot of weight since I bought them).

“Why hide it?   You can give that bag away.”

Give it away?  Oh no - I can’t - for two reasons.   I don’t need someone to suffer from my poor choices.  It’s an ugly color of puke-green.   Who would want such a bag? What will they think of me when I give it to them?  I don’t want to be judged as the guy with a poor taste in bags.   I can’t accept receiving judgment from people who I will be charitable to.

“But your sister asked to have it because she noticed you have not used it since you bought it.  So clearly - she wants it.”

That’s my second reason.   I’ve been too generous this year.   I have given to charity.  I’ve donated money to our  High School alumni association for that animal laboratory.  A large part of my salary is spent on paying for the debt that I have taken for my niece’s treatment two years ago.  So - I refuse to give more dole-outs this year because to be honest - I’m tired of giving.

Then there was silence.  A long one.  An uncomfortable one - which I just had to break.

“What?  Say something!”

“You have too much baggage.”   The tone of the voice is a lot softer now.

“I don’t have too much.  I just have enough.”  I screamed.

The voice seem to have let out a sigh.

“I’m not referring to the bags, honey.”

 Silence again.  This time,  I didn’t break it.  I just sat there.  I agreed with the voice.  

I have too much baggage.

So I picked up my phone.  Started texting.

“Hey.  Do you remember that olive green bag that you asked to borrow during your last visit?   I can give it to you.  I know you need it and it seems like you wanted it.”

I have too much baggage - and I needed to start letting go of the shitty baggage.  They no longer serve me.

What Happened?

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

Today - I decided to revisit this blog.  I laughed at the articles I wrote to you - but all in all I was actually impressed with the writing.  It was very personal and I realized that as much as I really wanted to help other people with the blog posts that I wrote,  I actually found that it helped me more than it helped others.  In fact I don't even know if other people read this blog.

So I read the posts from the beginning.  I enjoyed reading them and I don't know why - but I also learned from those ideas - even if I know I wrote them.

Then the blog posts stopped - and the weird thing is that the last blog post was written on December 22, 2015.   Today is December 22, 2016 - so it's exactly a year from the last time that I wrote anything for this blog.

Here's the thing - when I read the last letter - I realized that there was a lot of excitement and hope in that letter.  I was talking about my intention to publish a self-help blog which comes from conversations that I have with myself.   Those were really powerful pieces - and after reading the last letter that I had for you - I dug through my archives and wanted to see why I never really published those conversations.

Then - as I read the unpublished articles - I realized why I stopped writing them.   Those articles were scary.   They remind me of the Gremlins that I just read about from the books "The Gift of Imperfection"  and "Daring Greatly"  by my favorite author at the moment: Brene Brown.   When I wrote those articles - I have not even read any of Brene's work --- and the transcript of those conversations with the Gremlins were buried in my subconscious - and I think it's fortuitous for me to find them now that I just finished reading "Daring Greatly".

You see - there's a lot of shame that I bared in those transcripts.   I guess - you can say that frightened myself too much - that's why I never published them.   They were the manifestations of the "You're not Good Enough" and the "Who Do you think You are?" gremlins that Brene referred to.

But today - I have resolved - I will publish them and it may not be the best thing to do.   But I do know that I want to publish them because it helps me get through the fears that I have buried wiht regards to the topics I actually talked about.  To be honest - I won't call it bravery that I'm publishing it because I know that nobody reads these blogs --- at least nobody that I know.

So my dear young self --- I hope you're still there reading my letters.   I hope that you didn't grow tired of waiting.  I'm back and I do hope to correspond with you a lot more regularly from now on.

With much Love,

Your Forty Year Old Self

Writing with the Hibby Jibbies

Dear 30-Year-Old-Me,

The past two weeks,  I had been writing.  What I have written gives me the hibby jibbies.  The hair on my neck and my arms seem to stand on end from the writing that I do.

I am actually preparing to launch a blog. It is a self help blog.  Thing is - when I started writing instructions to what I thought would be my readers,  I realized that it's hard for me to give any instructions.

So I decided to call upon my inspiration and ask him to help me out.  There is a writer named Elizabeth Gilbert ( she wrote Eat, Pray, Love ).  She spoke in a TED Talk and she posited that the post-modern view of a writer being a tortured soul who needs to give birth to their creation is a departure from the ancient point of view of creation.  Creation is not the sole product of the self.  Creators partner with a spirit which the Greeks call Daemon and the Romans call the Genius.  So you see - in the ancient times,  a Genius is the inspiration who brings forth the creation.  In our times,  Genius is the person who brings forth the creation.  Imagine how big of a responsibility it is for the creator - and to be honest - any creative work is too much for a person to bear the responsibility to bring it forth.

So I called on to my Genius and asked for her help.

Then a voice seems to have spoken to me - and said - why don't you write about the conversations that you have with yourself when you face the difficult decisions in your life?

I played around with the voice - and said - sure - why not?   What am I going to lose by doing that?

Uhmm ... a lot?   You know what I mean.  The voices in our head can be evil.  I would never dare let anyone hear what I say to myself.

That voice is selfish,  jealous,  impatient,  judgmental.   I don't want people to see me in that  light.

But then --- they don't see me in that light.  Most people actually see me as the mild mannered one.

The voice said - that I should write about it because most people would want to find the courage to actually squash those voices in their head.

Ok then --- so write I did.

I have written three articles so far - and they give me the hibby jibbies.   It's inspired writing.  At least - if I see this in a book somewhere - I will buy the book.

I wish I will have the courage to publish it.

With Much Love,

The forty year old you

Practicing Down-Stays with The Dogs and How That Technique Helps us Get Stronger

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

We have two dogs.  The older dog is Midori - and she's a beagle.  The younger one is Char Siew - the Chinese Shar Pei.   We love both dogs.   They are our four legged children.   In fact,  our niece adorably calls them cousins.

Most people will say that we spoil our dogs.  Since we don't have human children - we tend to be generous with the material things for Char Siew and Midori --- treats, toys,  dog food.  The thing is - I think that what they appreciate most is when we spend time playing with them.

Last weekend,  I spent a lot of time with the two fur-babies.  I also had a lot of treats - from my recent trip to the US.  These are yummy treats - bacon, salmon, beef.  The time available - and the presence of the treats was the perfect opportunity to train the dogs.  Right now,   I'm trying to train them to do prolonged down-stays.  We are now able to do 45 second down stays.  In the past,  I've had longer - but it was not consistent.  I was actually very impatient with the progress --- and I ended up not being able to embed the behavior with the dogs - before moving on to tougher challenges.

This time - I know better.   I am progressing with the time - slowly.  I am also doing the training regularly.  Daily down-stay practice after our morning walk seems to actually work well.  This is our planned progress:

We started with 5 second down - stays last week - Tuesday.  We then progressed to 10 second down stays last Wednesday.  Then it progressed to 15, 20, 25, 30, and today 45.   Take note that even before we attempt the 20, 25, 30 and 45 - we actually warm up with many 10 second down stays.

I think that this experience is a good template for making progress in our other goals.   For example,  in my weight lifting program,   I have actually added reps and weights very slowly.   I realized that doing this reduces any risks of over-training.   For example - this is how I progressed with the weights for my bench press:   There are actually 3 main sets for the bench press and I started with 5 sets of 70 lbs each.   The week after that,   The first set - I increased to six but kept the same weight for all sets.   Then on week 3 - I kept 6 reps for the first set;  then increased the second set to 6 reps - and then kept the 3rd set to 5 reps.   So if you look at my training progress journal it looks like this:

Week 1:  Set 1: 5 reps, 75 lbs.   Set 2: 5 reps 75 lbs  Set 3: 5 reps, 75 lbs.

Week 2:  Set 1: 6 reps, 75 lbs.   Set 2: 5 reps 75 lbs  Set 3: 5 reps, 75 lbs.

Week 3:  Set 1: 6 reps, 75 lbs.   Set 2: 6 reps 75 lbs  Set 3: 5 reps, 75 lbs.

Week 4:  Set 1: 6 reps, 75 lbs.   Set 2: 6 reps 75 lbs  Set 3: 6 reps, 75 lbs.

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Week 10: Set 1: 8 reps, 75 lbs.   Set 2: 8 reps 75 lbs  Set 3: 8 reps, 75 lbs.

Week 11: Set 1: 5 reps, 80 lbs.   Set 2: 8 reps 75 lbs  Set 3: 8 reps, 75 lbs.

So with this plan - it took me more than 10 weeks before I increased the weight.   However - every week - I was getting stronger.  My muscles are learning how to do more work - and thus allows it to get bigger - with a much more reduced risk of getting injured.

When I showed this plan to one of my friends - he said that it will not give me the beach body that I would want to have for summer next year.   My response - is that my goal is not to have a beach body by summer of next year.   My goal is to progressively get stronger - and it if takes me years to get there - I am willing to wait.

So going back to the training activity that I'm doing with my dogs.   My goal is not to have the dogs stay for one hour by next year.   My goal is for them to learn that they will be rewarded for following the commands that I give them.  

My dear friend - in everything that you do - I would like you to keep this in mind.   Slow but sure beats fast and risky.   In a lot of your goals - you don't need to get there the fastest - your goal is to beat yourself.   Beat the records you set the previous week - and in the long haul - if you continue building your strength or building your dogs' ability to do a down-stay --- you will notice that you will be much stronger than a large part of the population who never even started lifting weights or who started but they got injured because they progressed too fast.

One thing that I keep on telling my team now is that the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago.  The next best time is to plant it today.

With much Love,

The Forty Year Old you.