I Seek

Hands hold Stick

Blindfold on eyes

A Game to Seek

The paper beast

Stuffed White, Blue, Pink

With hidden treats

A voice speaks:

"Be smart, turn to your right." 

Am I smart? To the right, I turn. 

"Hit it."

Swing the stick with all my might. 

Swoosh! No hit.

An idiot,

Am I?

A voice speaks:

"Turn Left, my Love"

Am I loved?  I go to the left. 

"Hit it."

Swing the stick with all my might. 

Swoosh! No hit.

Unloved, 

Am I?

A voice speaks:

"Turn around, pretty one"

Another one speaks:

"Forward, my dear."

Am I Pretty?

Am I dear?

More voices speak

I follow Each

To be pretty,

To be loved

To be right

But each voice

Leads to Defeat

My arms are weak. 

I ask "What do I seek?" 

My heart speaks.

"Freedom, you seek,

Let go of stick. 

Let your eyes see

See what you seek."

I drop the stick,

I let my eyes see.

The voices that jeer

They're not here.

Mere Phantoms

That lead to defeat. 

Heart's voice is real.

It knows what I seek.

I seek to see

I seek to be free

I love My Job ( Even on a Monday)

The office chime is blaring from the speakers signaling the end of today’s work day. It’s a Monday – and Ben thought that the end of the work day couldn’t have come sooner.

Ben packed his bags – and walked out of his office

“Good bye everyone, y’all have a good evening.” Ben said to the people who sit next to his office.

Ben got to his car – which like many times before – is being driven by his father. He gets teased a lot by his office mates for that. He's a forty year old Papa's boy.

Ben asked his father about his pain therapy – to which his father replied. “OK lang --- mukhang gumagana naman yung therapy” (It was ok – it seems to be working).

“That’s good.” Ben said.

“That’s good,” Ben repeated and like all other car rides before this, his thoughts were no longer inside the car.

“I love my job but …”

Yes – Ben loves his job but it does feel like there are days like this when he thinks, “I love my job but …” He loves his job – but he can’t seem to think that most days – it’s drudgery. He doesn’t like the days when his mailbox is full and with each e-mail screaming "answer me". Or those days when there are a gazillion invoices and expense reports to review.

“Ugh!"

Then he paused and said to himself, “But those e-mails are nothing compared to the blessing of being able to connect to the people I work with.”

This again is the truth – Ben loves his team. It’s the best part of his job.

“I love my team but …”

Again – that word – BUT. Today he spoke to George who set up a meeting with him because he needs to bounce off an idea with Ben. The meeting went too long - and by the end of it - both Ben and George were confused. Ben recalls saying to George when the latter was expressing his frustration, “I know what you are saying and I understand where you are coming from and if I were in your shoes – I will feel and think the same way.”

That’s a lie. He doesn’t know where George is coming from. Ben is a people pleaser and he has the gift of saying what seems to be the right thing to say to others. This is why people like him because he makes them feel better when they talk to him. Ben likes the thought that people like him and he thinks that if his team mates don’t like him – he is nothing.

“But I wish I can just tell them the truth ... when they need to hear it ... even if they can't handle the truth.”

He muses, "I wish I can tell someone to fuck off when he or she is being a pain in the ass"

The car stopped – which halted Ben’s contemplation about his job. Ben hears his three dogs barking. He is home. He got off the car and headed on to the door. He opened the door to be welcomed by his dogs who seem to have missed him so much. He smiled – this is the highlight of his day.

“I love my job and – I live a good life. I should just be thankful.”

As Ben thought about this – he knew that these were just affirmations – that most days they are true but today – it’s a Monday --- and today he wishes that all the words were true.

It Isn't About You

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

We have a big ego.  We attach our success and failure to everything that we do and to the things that we have accomplished and failed in.

This has caused us to drive for more success but this has also caused us to avoid failure - which means risk isn't really something that we like facing head on.

Here's the thing - what if everything that we accomplish and everything that we failed in - really isn't about us?   What if we were not the central character in the stories of our lives?   What if our actions cause the stories to develop but if we succeeded or failed --- it doesn't really make us successful and it also doesn't make it a failure?

I have to pose this question because in the recent months,  I've come to realize that a lot of my heartaches in life is caused by my attachment to the story in my head that everything that happens in my life is something that I caused.  For some events - this may be a healthy mindset ---- being proud of losing ten pounds because of the discipline we exercised in avoiding sugar in our diet.   But largely - this mindset - is not helpful.   It can start from:   My dogs doing a proper sit when I use the command.   It's our dog's ability being displayed here - so we can't take the credit for it.   It can be as ridiculous as thinking that it didn't rain today when we are wearing white pants - because we asked the Universe for it.

This mindset is actually perpetuated by a lot of our friends and family praising us for things that if you think about it really isn't because of our skill.   For example - getting into a scholarship in the Ateneo was not because we were smart.   It really was because the University's Admission and Aid - looked through a checklist of qualifications for our application and noted that we meet the criteria - which included submitting an income document from Papa - which said he earned a really small income for the year we were applying for the scholarship.   Therefore - we fit the criteria for someone who should be considered for financial aid.

Why am I bringing this up?  How does a mindset of not attaching ourselves to the outcome become helpful in our lives?   You see - when we call ourselves successful or we call ourselves a failure based on the outcomes of our actions --- that label of successful or failure gives a lot of pressure on us to always want to be the successful person.   This actually has been part of the reason why we tend not to do awesome things we are not good at doing because we don't want to be the failure.   Here's the thing --- what if we just say that every result we get from an action that we take is just feedback - and that feedback will allow us to think of the next action to take?  That result does not define you.  It just provides you information so you can choose how to live your life after that result.

Note --- It took me more than a month to complete this because - the truth is - I was not ready to hear the advice that I'm writing.   I wanted this article to be awesome - so that I can feel awesome.   But hey - I decided - that instead of wanting this to be awesome --- maybe I just need to have it done --- regardless of the outcome.

With Much Love
The Forty Year Old You

Practicing Down-Stays with The Dogs and How That Technique Helps us Get Stronger

Dear 30 Year Old Me,

We have two dogs.  The older dog is Midori - and she's a beagle.  The younger one is Char Siew - the Chinese Shar Pei.   We love both dogs.   They are our four legged children.   In fact,  our niece adorably calls them cousins.

Most people will say that we spoil our dogs.  Since we don't have human children - we tend to be generous with the material things for Char Siew and Midori --- treats, toys,  dog food.  The thing is - I think that what they appreciate most is when we spend time playing with them.

Last weekend,  I spent a lot of time with the two fur-babies.  I also had a lot of treats - from my recent trip to the US.  These are yummy treats - bacon, salmon, beef.  The time available - and the presence of the treats was the perfect opportunity to train the dogs.  Right now,   I'm trying to train them to do prolonged down-stays.  We are now able to do 45 second down stays.  In the past,  I've had longer - but it was not consistent.  I was actually very impatient with the progress --- and I ended up not being able to embed the behavior with the dogs - before moving on to tougher challenges.

This time - I know better.   I am progressing with the time - slowly.  I am also doing the training regularly.  Daily down-stay practice after our morning walk seems to actually work well.  This is our planned progress:

We started with 5 second down - stays last week - Tuesday.  We then progressed to 10 second down stays last Wednesday.  Then it progressed to 15, 20, 25, 30, and today 45.   Take note that even before we attempt the 20, 25, 30 and 45 - we actually warm up with many 10 second down stays.

I think that this experience is a good template for making progress in our other goals.   For example,  in my weight lifting program,   I have actually added reps and weights very slowly.   I realized that doing this reduces any risks of over-training.   For example - this is how I progressed with the weights for my bench press:   There are actually 3 main sets for the bench press and I started with 5 sets of 70 lbs each.   The week after that,   The first set - I increased to six but kept the same weight for all sets.   Then on week 3 - I kept 6 reps for the first set;  then increased the second set to 6 reps - and then kept the 3rd set to 5 reps.   So if you look at my training progress journal it looks like this:

Week 1:  Set 1: 5 reps, 75 lbs.   Set 2: 5 reps 75 lbs  Set 3: 5 reps, 75 lbs.

Week 2:  Set 1: 6 reps, 75 lbs.   Set 2: 5 reps 75 lbs  Set 3: 5 reps, 75 lbs.

Week 3:  Set 1: 6 reps, 75 lbs.   Set 2: 6 reps 75 lbs  Set 3: 5 reps, 75 lbs.

Week 4:  Set 1: 6 reps, 75 lbs.   Set 2: 6 reps 75 lbs  Set 3: 6 reps, 75 lbs.

.

.

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Week 10: Set 1: 8 reps, 75 lbs.   Set 2: 8 reps 75 lbs  Set 3: 8 reps, 75 lbs.

Week 11: Set 1: 5 reps, 80 lbs.   Set 2: 8 reps 75 lbs  Set 3: 8 reps, 75 lbs.

So with this plan - it took me more than 10 weeks before I increased the weight.   However - every week - I was getting stronger.  My muscles are learning how to do more work - and thus allows it to get bigger - with a much more reduced risk of getting injured.

When I showed this plan to one of my friends - he said that it will not give me the beach body that I would want to have for summer next year.   My response - is that my goal is not to have a beach body by summer of next year.   My goal is to progressively get stronger - and it if takes me years to get there - I am willing to wait.

So going back to the training activity that I'm doing with my dogs.   My goal is not to have the dogs stay for one hour by next year.   My goal is for them to learn that they will be rewarded for following the commands that I give them.  

My dear friend - in everything that you do - I would like you to keep this in mind.   Slow but sure beats fast and risky.   In a lot of your goals - you don't need to get there the fastest - your goal is to beat yourself.   Beat the records you set the previous week - and in the long haul - if you continue building your strength or building your dogs' ability to do a down-stay --- you will notice that you will be much stronger than a large part of the population who never even started lifting weights or who started but they got injured because they progressed too fast.

One thing that I keep on telling my team now is that the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago.  The next best time is to plant it today.

With much Love,

The Forty Year Old you.