The Spirit Likes Quiet

Breathe.

I am your spirit and I ask you to breathe. Just breathe.

I can feel your sadness. I am not here to stop that sadness but I am here to get you through it. Just let the sadness flow through you. I know that this sadness makes you feel like you are falling through a bottomless pit. I can also feel that you are struggling as you fall. You reach out your hand through the darkness - hoping to hold on to something that will stop the fall.

As you fall through this bottomless pit of sadness,  I also feel other emotions; but the most dominant one that I can feel is your fear. There is fear that you are soon going to reach the bottom of this pit and you will hit the ground.  As much as you are suffering through this fall, you are afraid that when you hit the ground; you will suffer more and feel the pain of shattering into a million pieces.

I ask you now - as your spirit - to just breathe and stop struggling and stop reaching out for anything to hold on to as you fall into this pit.

I am going to share with you a couple of secrets.

You see - as you fall , I your spirit am here with you. As you get close to the bottom of the pit, when you see the end - when you can feel the ground about to hit you, you will not shatter into a million pieces because that's when I can save you. That's when I will catch you. I will be here to protect you and spread our wings so we can stop the fall.

But there's another secret  that I need you to hear and understand. I have an alternative to coming to the rescue at the last moment of this fall. The alternative is for you to just breathe. And as you breathe - just be quiet. Be quiet - because I - your spirit likes quiet. I am most powerful in silence. If at this time in your sadness, you stop struggling and stop thinking and let quiet to take over, I can do my best work a lot sooner and way before we hit the bottom of this pit.

So please breathe my beloved self. Be quiet so I your spirit can help us through this sadness and so that I can use our wings to lift us up from this sadness.

Breathe and sink into the silence, into the quiet, into the peace of your spirit.

It Isn't About You

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

We have a big ego.  We attach our success and failure to everything that we do and to the things that we have accomplished and failed in.

This has caused us to drive for more success but this has also caused us to avoid failure - which means risk isn't really something that we like facing head on.

Here's the thing - what if everything that we accomplish and everything that we failed in - really isn't about us?   What if we were not the central character in the stories of our lives?   What if our actions cause the stories to develop but if we succeeded or failed --- it doesn't really make us successful and it also doesn't make it a failure?

I have to pose this question because in the recent months,  I've come to realize that a lot of my heartaches in life is caused by my attachment to the story in my head that everything that happens in my life is something that I caused.  For some events - this may be a healthy mindset ---- being proud of losing ten pounds because of the discipline we exercised in avoiding sugar in our diet.   But largely - this mindset - is not helpful.   It can start from:   My dogs doing a proper sit when I use the command.   It's our dog's ability being displayed here - so we can't take the credit for it.   It can be as ridiculous as thinking that it didn't rain today when we are wearing white pants - because we asked the Universe for it.

This mindset is actually perpetuated by a lot of our friends and family praising us for things that if you think about it really isn't because of our skill.   For example - getting into a scholarship in the Ateneo was not because we were smart.   It really was because the University's Admission and Aid - looked through a checklist of qualifications for our application and noted that we meet the criteria - which included submitting an income document from Papa - which said he earned a really small income for the year we were applying for the scholarship.   Therefore - we fit the criteria for someone who should be considered for financial aid.

Why am I bringing this up?  How does a mindset of not attaching ourselves to the outcome become helpful in our lives?   You see - when we call ourselves successful or we call ourselves a failure based on the outcomes of our actions --- that label of successful or failure gives a lot of pressure on us to always want to be the successful person.   This actually has been part of the reason why we tend not to do awesome things we are not good at doing because we don't want to be the failure.   Here's the thing --- what if we just say that every result we get from an action that we take is just feedback - and that feedback will allow us to think of the next action to take?  That result does not define you.  It just provides you information so you can choose how to live your life after that result.

Note --- It took me more than a month to complete this because - the truth is - I was not ready to hear the advice that I'm writing.   I wanted this article to be awesome - so that I can feel awesome.   But hey - I decided - that instead of wanting this to be awesome --- maybe I just need to have it done --- regardless of the outcome.

With Much Love
The Forty Year Old You

That Thing Called Compassion

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

It had been a month since I attended the facilitator's training for TeamUp.  With this training,   I have intentions of taking steps closer to living a mindful life and also helping others who choose to live a mindful life.  Note that when I started my mindfulness journey - compassion was not in my mind as a result of what I was doing. but as I went deeper into my mindfulness practice; it just became front and center of some of my practice.  So today - I'd like to talk about it and what I think about compassion.

During the TeamUp training,  I actually had - what Brene Brown called a breakdown/spiritual awakening.  It was the third day of training and I just found myself uncontrollably sobbing.   Finally,  I felt that I just had to share with everyone what I was feeling:

"I'm having a breakdown all by myself here - that I felt I just needed to share what I'm going through.  I am an openly gay man and I have experienced coming out years ago.   They say that someone gay can only come out once in his/her lifetime.  It's like being born - you can only be born once in a lifetime.  I remember that coming out experience and as much as I was afraid of expressing to the world that I was gay for fear of being rejected,  I would say that it was also a beautiful experience because it allowed me to release all of those bottled up feelings and ideas prior to coming out.

"Today - I feel that once again - I'm going through a coming out process.  This time,  it's no longer about my sexuality.   When I asked to speak to my voice of compassion during the Big Mind exercise,  I've come to realize that for so long,  I have tried to fit in to what I thought was how I should be.   The problem is - fitting in meant that I had to bottle up my big personality.   Today - I've realized that this big personality of mine wants to come out and be seen.   It is no longer taking the crap from my ego - and it just wants to proclaim it's bigness to all of you."

After saying that,  I felt so expanded.  It was as if I have emptied myself out and is actually experiencing love from the Universe pouring into the emptied vessel of my soul.

So what does this experience have anything to do with compassion?    

In response to what I have shared,  a woman named Laura gave me feedback and shared some of her own thoughts on the coming out process.

"She said - my Darling - I love you dearly and now I know why.   Having said that - I actually want to share with you what my Mom told me during my coming out process.   She said, 'Coming out is a horrible term to use for what you are going through.  Coming out somehow denotes being found out.   Revealing to the world a secret - or coming out of hiding.   I really think that when someone accepts who they really are in their sexuality,   instead of coming out,  one actually comes into herself/himself.'   So my Darling - my friend - I really think that what I will tell you now will resonate with you because you may find this as the truth.   What you are going through is that you have deeply come into yourself and recognized that part of you that you are ready to share with the whole world.   And this is a beautiful experience that I am so grateful to have experienced."

That feedback blew me away.   She is right - what I have actually been experiencing is this deep connection with that part of myself that until then - I have pushed away and denied.   And when I felt that compassion - I realized that instead of pushing away that part of me - and suffering through it - by being disconnected from it,   what will be most helpful for my growth is to embrace it.

Compassion - when you look it up in the web for it's definition is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for someone who experiences sorrow.   It is a also a feeling that comes with a strong feeling to alleviate that suffering. Compassion comes with the need to take action - even if that action comes with lending an ear towards someone else when they need to express what they are going through.   It comes from that deep truth that at the end of the day,  we're all one - with our lives.   We are connected to each other and therefore another person's suffering and cares in this life --- we share in that suffering and cares as well.   But one thing that I have come to realize is that compassion - like love - starts with oneself.

At the end of that training for TeamUp,  we had to share what we learned during those three days.   This is what I shared:

"I learned about compassion.  I also learned how we are connected to one another.   I realized that during those moments when I encounter people I don't like,  or I feel contraction towards my interaction with another person or his/her behavior,  more often than not - how I feel is a reflection of how I feel about parts of me that I don't like and have actually disowned."

So my dear friend,  I ask of you.   Start reflecting upon how you feel about yourself - by looking at how you feel about others.   Before you embark on trying to fix the world --- it is best to start looking at yourself and the things that need to be fixed.  Is there some part of you that you have disowned or have buried into oblivion because you didn't like it?   Talk to that part of you and deal with it with love.   Know that the part of you that you have denied is suffering - for acknowledgment.

Only when you have reconciled everything with love - and compassion - about yourself - can you truly start engaging with other people with deep love and compassion.

I am rambling - I am trying to express concepts now that I am struggling to express in the past month.   But alas - I don't feel that I am successful.  So I will stop for now.  But know this --- my promise in my life - and hopefully as you read this - you can start early.  I promise to feel love deep within us.  Love for who we are - so we can be beacons of love for the world around us.

With much Love,

The Forty Year Old you

Certainty and Faith

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

I am currently reading this book: The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein.  I love this book.  It actually puts into words all of the divine experiences that I've had in my life that I am starting to notice more everyday.   For me,  one of the things that is resonating well is the idea of certainty in the divine purpose of our lives - and that it is meant to be joyful and full of love.

So as you sit there reading this letter,  I want you to think of one of Gabrielle's exercises.  Think of what you will be doing if you are certain and that you don't have any doubt about your purpose and the life that you're meant to live filled with love and joy.   I have completed this exercise and here I share with you what I have come up with.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to honestly speak about how I feel.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to live a curious life.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to focus on gaining joyful and loving experiences instead of collecting material possessions.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to be grateful when I receive compliments.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to talk to strangers especially strangers I am attracted to.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to please myself and take care of my wants and needs before I take action to please others and take care of their wants and needs.  

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to identify my personal boundaries and communicate them to people I interact with.

Releasing doubt will give me the certainty and faith to act with spontaneity.

With Much Love,

The Forty Year Old You

Job Satisfaction

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

I want to share this exchange I had with one of our interns earlier this week. That meeting was actually profoundly satisfying but there was one question to which my answer I will share with you today.

The question - "What gives you the most satisfaction in your job? Is it the pay? The environment? The actual work?"

A tricky question to answer because I want to be as truthful as I can. Like many times in the past month since I learned of "Big Mind", I took 2 mindful breaths before I gave my response.

My response:

I would be lying if I tell you that I don't derive satisfaction from the compensation I have in my job but I can honestly say that it is not the primary source of my satisfaction. I would have to reflect and take an inventory of the days in a year when I experience extreme joy and satisfaction because of one facet of my job. For example - the other day, my boss was coaching me through a difficult decision that I have to make. My initial recommendation wasn't really a logical one so we ended up with a different proposal. All through out that interaction - he asked difficult questions. He listened to what I was saying. He made me felel important. After I hung up the phone - I felt a deep sense of gratitude for having the opportunity to work with a great boss like him.

I would also like to say that times like this one - when I am able to talk to people like you (referring to the interns) - gives me a great sense of satisfaction that I actually sometimes exclaim - I get paid to do this? I am so blessed.

The joy and the gratitude and the feeling of being blessed - I would say is equivalent to the joy and gratitude I feel when my boss hands me the letter once a year that declares - what my new compensation is for the year. Does this mean that I don't feel joyful when I see my payslip every payday? I do - but the deep joy is experienced only when I get that letter - after that - and I'm being honest here - I kinda expect that amount I get in the paycheck. So you see - I only experience extreme joy related to compensation - once a year.

Whereas the joy that gives me the experience of my hair standing on its end? I experience that a lot more often in the great interactions with my great colleagues. I experience that when I feel overwhelming satisfaction over a job well done or when I feel proud of my team's work.

So - for me - in conclusion - if I were to look at where I derive the satisfaction in my work that makes me want to get up in the morning excited - it is rare that I do it because of compensation. I do it most of the time because of the joy I get with working around people I respect and doing work that I love.

Feeling Blessed,
The Forty Year Old You

Do It For Yourself

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

I just dyed my hair gray.  Not blonde.   Not light brown.  Not black.  I dyed it gray.  You might be asking why I would do that when everyone who gets older - try to hide the silver gray hair that pops up as they age.  Firstly - this is not silver gray.   It's gray - without the silver.   It's actually en vogue in 2016 - and more and more younger people are trying it out.  Last weekend - I became one of those people.

The whole process took five hours.  The stylist had to strip away as much color as she could from my hair - which means I had to go through three bleaching processes.  After the bleaching process - my hair was white.   Then she applied the ash-gray color.   I could feel my hair screaming as we did this because it must have been a painful process for them.  The day after - some of my hair strands fell off - which - is good enough reason for me to tell myself - that now that I've experienced this - never again will I do it.

How do I find my gray hair look?   I love it.  It just gave me an edgy look that I've never really experienced even when I was young.   As you know - we've always tried trends but not to the extreme.  In fact - dyeing my hair gray,  I keep on telling myself that it still fits my overall look - unlike blonde - because everyone goes gray as they age.   Unlike blonde - which I've always thought will never fit my skin tone.

How do people find the look?   Almost everyone find it cool.  All I can say is that I feel so much love from a lot of our friends and family.   Them liking it is actually just extra for me because - in the end - I dyed my hair not to get people's approval.  I dyed my hair because I was curious about the look and how I would be able to carry it.

Of course - there will be a small number of people who don't like it - and there's one lady who expressed that it made me look old.   I've been reflecting on that comment - and as much as I try to say it doesn't bother me - I still want to give a tongue lashing at her.   In fact I kinda did,  I responded to her comment by saying, "It's a good thing that I am not doing this for you and I'm doing it for myself.  I'm very satisfied with it - and that is all there is to it."

Tongue lashing or not - I just want to make sure that you get that message.  In the end - the things that you want to do to yourself must be done from a place of curiosity and self compassion.  You must understand that you are doing it for yourself - and no matter what other people say - that you still love yourself despite what they say.   I'm starting to realize this as I age.  In the end - I am the only person I need to satisfy for my own look or what I wear.  Everyone else's opinion do not matter.

As I write this now - I've found a corollary to these words of wisdom.   As much as I should not care what other people say about how I look,  I should also not care about what other people do with their looks.   That's a great learning for me because - I am a very judgmental person.   I judge people based on their looks.  I thought it made me cool --- but now i realize it just makes me an ass$#)(*Q&.

So - the next time you want to do something crazy - ask yourself - can you live with yourself regardless of the consequences of those actions?  Don't care about what other people say - unless it actually has a direct impact on them.   What matters most is what you think and how you feel about it.   And - the corollary - mind your own business and if people make decisions that do not impact you or it does not cause injustice to another being --- you shouldn't care about it.

With Much Love,

The Forty Year Old You.

Just Believe

Dear Thirty Year Old Me,

One of my favorite authors: "Brene Brown" writes and talks about Gremlins.  These refer to the voices that play out in our heads when we want to do something that exposes our vulnerable self.   One of the Gremlin tapes is "You're not good enough."   The other Gremlin tape is "Who do you think you are"?

I know these Gremlins all too well.  I hear them when I work and I hear them when I try to meet up with men that I'm interested in.   At work - it had been easy to shut them up.   I guess - you can say that I've survived so many challenges at work - that I have learned to hustle my way through the situations which trigger the Gremlins' persistent nagging.

The challenge lies with my dating life.  You see - I've grown up being told that I am an ugly fart.  I've been told that I am not attractive.   I have also had pimples on my face - and every movie out there where the protagonist is portrayed as ugly - has portrayed ugly with "artificial" pimples planted on their face.   The thing is - it might be fake pimples for those actors and actresses - but that was my reality.

Just recently - when I asked someone "Why do you think I have not been in a relationship?"  The response I got, "I think because your standards are too high."   This response immediately hit my ego - and I retorted back, "But shouldn't I have standards?   Should I just settle for someone even if I'm not attracted to them?"   After the defensiveness faded - the Gremlins started talking and kept on telling me,  "You're not good enough for the men that you like."   And the other Gremlin kept on saying,  "Why do you even try hitting on those attractive men,   who you think you are?"

These voices - definitely torment me and can actually lead me to do stupid things.   The actions I take fall into three categories.   One - I numb the pain.  I numb it often by shopping and buying things that I don't need or things that I think attractive people use or endorse in their commercials or instagram accounts.   Two - I find validation from other people - usually by logging onto Grindr or other online dating apps and immersing myself in praises and adulation of men that I don't really like.  The worst thing that I can do is to go on a date with these men - just to counter the pain I feel from feeling unattractive.   Lastly - I do stupid things just to be noticed by the men that I find attractive - and making a fool of myself by pretending to be cool in front of them even if what I'm doing is clearly an awkward fit for how I'm perceived by most people.

But my dear friend - I want you to learn from my mistakes.   The three actions that I have written above - is not how you deal with the pain and the torment of the Gremlins in your head.   You must answer this question: "Whose voice do you think are the Gremlin voices coming from."   What I mean by this is that - who is telling you "Who do you think you are?"   Is it your Mom?   Is it your Dad?   Is it your best friend?   At the moment in time that you think of these thoughts - who is physically telling you this?   Isn't it that the answer to this is that - nobody but you?    So the Gremlin voices are not external voices.   They are voices coming from within.    You are the one who is telling yourself that you are not good enough.  To quiet those voices - you need to tell yourself to just shut up.

One too many times,  all of us will hear other people say, "You must believe in yourself."   It gets repeated so many times that we have actually thought that it's just something people say to make other people feel better - but it doesn't really mean anything.  Recently,  I have come to realize - that statement - as much as it is a cliche - has a lot of truth behind it.   This is the reason why I hear it over and over again - because it is the universe telling me that it is a fundamental truth.   To experience joy - true joy - in what we do in our careers and in what we do in our love life - we must believe in our self.   We must believe that we are lovable and stop second guessing other people when they say that you are a being worthy of love - because we are.   We are good enough.   The Gremlins can continue to say what they want to say - but our resolution is strong enough to overcome those voices - until they sound like comedic small voices that are to be laughed at.

My friend - you will find that there will be times that you will meet people who will actually flat out reject you.   The thing is the feedback that you get from those people is a reflection more of what they are thinking about the world that they live in and the world that they grew up in and it is not a reflection of you - you can be a magnificent beautiful unicorn - but someone who has been trampled on by unicorns when they were young may actually see you as a rhinoceros.

It may still take years for you to truly accept this universal truth that you are worthy of love.   That's okay.   It isn't important when you wake up from the bad dream that you're currently living.   What is important is that you do wake up eventually.   Listen to the universe as it sends messengers around you reinforcing the beauty that you possess.   And when you wake up from the bad dream - I promise you,  you will find the love that you have been searching for all your life.

With much Love,

The Forty Year Old You